


Gordon Freeman Recovery Speedrun (any%)

by flynnaw00



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life, Half-Life but the AI is Self Aware, half life but the ai is self aware
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flynnaw00/pseuds/flynnaw00
Summary: Benrey realizes Gordon isn't as fun to tease when he's sad, so he sets out to make Gordon happy again.(only so he can tease him. no other reasons. none at all.)(none);)
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Comments: 370
Kudos: 1558





	1. After Black Mesa

**Author's Note:**

> //tw trauma, emeto, mentions of dismemberment, mentions of death and panic attacks (for first chapter. IDK why AO3 decides to carry it over every single fucking time)

Black Mesa didn’t feel real.

Nothing did right now.

As Gordon numbly climbed through his thankfully unlocked window, walked into his bathroom, stripped off his HEV suit (with help from a few tools) and turned on the shower, all he could think about was what he just witnessed, and where he was now.

As the water hit his skin, he flinched and backed away, thinking for a moment that it was radiation or ‘powerade’ (he knew it wasn’t really powerade). He sighed once he realized it was just water, of course, and began to scrub off days worth of grime and residue. His gun arm had to be kept out of the shower.

Everything felt fake, like at any moment, he would wake up from this dream and be back in the nightmare that was Black Mesa. Even though he triple checked all the things that we’re supposed to wake you up: like reading the time, pinching yourself, looking at your phone (which he thankfully left at home), he still felt on edge. 

He sighed, combing his one hand through his hair and untangling the knots from it. 

“I’m safe.” He said to himself. “I’m safe. I’m at home. Black Mesa is gone. I killed Benrey. Everything is okay…”

He shuddered, flashes of what happened coming back to him. He whimpered and curled up in the shower, letting the water hit his back. He didn’t like being naked now, he felt vulnerable. Even though nothing was going to happen to him. He was safe, like he said, and everything that happened in Black Mesa was in the past… except his arm.

Which he just now realized was in the shower.

He yiped and thrust it out again, clenching and accidentally firing into his wall. He screamed and pulled the gun close, panting and shaking, trying his best not to fire again.

“F-fuck…”

Oh, his landlord would kill him for that.

He sighed and gently set down the gun. Maybe there was a way to take it off…? But if there was, how would he get it back on?

He’d probably need to go to a hospital.

…

He could do that tomorrow.

He sighed and finished washing up, shutting off the shower and drying himself and his hair. He spent the next few minutes numbly caring for himself, going through the motions of brushing his hair, trimming his beard, shaving some other places, etc. 

Finally, he slipped on a robe and walked back to his living room, ready to pass out and hopefully have some good dreams in his nice, soft, bed--

“Hey, bro.”

His eyes flew wide open, and locked onto him.

That bastard.

“... Benrey?” Gordon whimpered. 

“Yeah?” Benrey responded. He looked at the wall where Gordon shot. “Haha. Damn, did you do that? You’re a little clumsy boy, ain’t’cha?”

Normally, Gordon would be yelling at Benrey to fuck off, or shut up, or just go away. He felt that anger rise, but then slowly get flattened by exhaustion.

And sadness.

And hopelessness.

Because nothing he did mattered, apparently. He wasn’t safe, he wasn’t free of Benrey, he didn’t even kill him. All of that fight was for nothing, apparently. Nothing mattered. And now Benrey was here to probably hurt him again.

So Gordon just felt all those feelings well up inside him, crash down, and then he just began sobbing hopelessly. He wept and laid his head on Benrey’s shoulder, because his body craved contact, even if it was from the person he hated the most. 

Benrey looked down at him, surprised for once. “Uh.”

He blinked, watching Gordon sob. He glanced around awkwardly and backed away, causing Gordon’s head to fall. Gordon fell with it and crumpled up on the floor, still crying.

“Yo, uh…” Benrey kicked him limply. “Stop crying.”

Gordon didn’t.

“This is kinda cringe. Stop it.”   
  
Gordon wiped his eyes and sat up, pulling his knees to his chest. “I can’t…” He choked out.

“Why not? Just, like, stop.”

“I can’t control my f-- f **UC** king emoti… ons…” Gordon whimpered, having a slight anger spike when he swore that was quickly extinguished.

“... Damn, fine, little baby can’t even stop whining for a second. Guess I gotta do everything.” Benrey said, sitting down next to him. He began to use the Black Mesa Sweet Voice on him, the colours going from yellow to khaki as they swirled around Gordon.

Gordon peered up at the orbs, watching them float by as his sobs quieted for a moment. A few brushed by him and made him feel lighter. But they didn’t magically make him happier, he still felt miserable, no matter what the sweet voice did. Plus, they kinda reminded him of all the people they killed and Benrey cocooned, or the skeletons-- which made him remember his fight with Benrey, who was now in his home--

He puked on the carpet.

“JESUS.” Benrey exclaimed, backing up, his sweet voice pitching really high for a moment. He covered his eyes. “That’s so CRINGE, what the FUCK, Feetman!?”

“I…” Gordon scooted away from his puke. “... I don’t… w…”  He couldn’t find the strength to finish his sentence. He buried his head in his knees again.

“...” Benrey stared down at him, wincing at the puke. “What’s wrong with you, man?”

Gordon felt a spike of resentment try and jostle him, but the depression won out.

“Everything that happened at Black Mesa fucking traumatized me, Benrey. I just--”

He sighed.

“I just don’t have the energy for anything anymore. I thought that I was safe from you, that… that I would never see any remnants of that place again, but I-- I guess not. Wait, how are you still alive? Didn’t we kill you?”

“Yeah, but I got better.” Benrey smirked, expecting an angry and confused outburst from Gordon.

“... Okay.” Gordon replied numbly.

“...” Benrey frowned. “You’re really fucked up, huh?”

“...”

“Feetman, speak to me.” He kicked him again.

“...”

“FEETMAN.”

“...”

“Gordon.”

“...”

Benrey sighed. “Okay, fucking fine. What is it? How do I fix this?”

Gordon shrugged. “Can’t.”

“Can’t? No, I can. Listen, you--” He groaned and dragged his hand along his face. “Fuck, Gordon, why aren’t you, like, getting angry at me?”

Gordon shrugged numbly again.

Benrey huffed, giving up on speaking to Gordon for the time being. Normally, Gordon would be really angry at Benrey for making fun of him, but now all he was doing was being sad and gross about it, and Benrey didn’t like it. It wasn’t because he wanted Gordon to be happy or anything, but he definitely wanted Gordon back to normal so he could have fun pissing him off again. 

But how would he make Gordon back to normal?

He hummed.  _ How do you fix a human…? _

He eyed his arm. 

That was gone, so it probably needed to come back. Benrey couldn’t just spawn Gordon a new arm, though, he didn’t know how outside of Xen. So, he couldn’t fix that, fine. What else did humans need to live and be happy/normal?

Benrey looked around Gordon’s apartment. There was a bed, a small kitchen with a fridge, a desk with a laptop, and a bathroom. There was more than just those in his apartment, but Benrey didn’t really give a shit about all Gordon’s little knick-knacks and pictures of his son. 

“What do you need?” He asked. Might as well be upfront about it.

Gordon looked up at him. “... Huh?”

“What do you need?” Benrey repeated. 

Gordon shrugged.

“Hey, no, gimme an answer.” Benrey said, kicking him again. Gordon whined.

Benrey sighed in frustration. Now he knew how Gordon felt when he didn’t answer his questions. Good, it was annoying. Bad, it was annoying  _ him _ .

“You sleep, right? You need sleep? Or food?”

“Go away…”

“Rude. I come all the way over here and you want me to leave?”

“...”

Benrey rolled his eyes. Gordon wasn’t going to respond to his taunts like this. He needed to fix Gordon.

He stood up and went to the fridge, opening it up and looking through the contents. He spotted… meat, vegetables, fruit, some yogurt, some milk… 

He picked up the packaged steak. Meat was always good for humans, right? They needed it to… uh… grow up strong? Or was that milk?

He grabbed the milk, too.

He plopped down by Gordon and grabbed his hand and gun hand. Gordon flinched and fired a shot into the ceiling. Benrey hissed and covered his arm. 

“Stop shooting.”   


“I got scared.”

“Well, don’t.”

Benrey shoved the milk and meat into Gordon’s arms. “Eat.”   


“...” Gordon looked down. “... What?”

“Eat it. You’ll be better then.”   


“Fuck you.”

“Wh--” Benrey threw his arms up. “I’m TRYING to help!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE when you’re sad it’s fucking BORING. When I make fun of you, you don’t get angry! You just fucking cry! Now eat so you feel better.”

“Benrey, eating food isn’t going to magically make me feel better. I’m probably traumatized after all the shit I’ve done-- it’ll take me years to feel okay again.”

“YEARS!?” Benrey shouted. “No. I can’t wait fucking years! Just feel better now!”

“... I can’t.”

“Just eat, you cringe ass baby.” Benrey said.

“This steak is uncooked. If I eat it, I’ll die…”

“You’re so fucking weak, oh my god.” Benrey yanked the steak out of his hands and ripped of the packaging, then set it on fire with his mind and handed it back to Gordon. Gordon stared at it.

“Well!?” 

“...” Gordon sighed and bit into it.

“Good. Finally. Shit, bro, how did you live this long!?” Benrey stood up, going over to Gordon’s laptop. He didn’t hear a response from Gordon, which only made him feel worse. 

He opened up his laptop, trying to see if Gordon had any games. Probably not anything good, since Gordon was a weak ass noob who couldn’t game. 

Sure enough, when he opened up Gordon’s laptop, he found absolutely  _ no _ games. Not even one! Fucking weak. Benrey would have to download some for him. 

He opened up Firefox (why did Gordon use Firefox???) and got ready to type in some games before a thought crossed his mind.

He searched up  _ “how to fix a sad person” _

Luckily, the top result was  _ ‘How to comfort a sad person (with pictures)’  _

Benrey read through the article. It said that all he had to do was ‘open the conversation’, ‘tell it like it is’, ‘ask how they’re feeling,’ blah blah blah. Benrey got bored of it all after step four, which was: ‘keep the attention on them’.

He got up and headed back over to Gordon, who had finished his steak and had put his milk on top of the counter, half drank. Benrey sat down beside him. 

“... ‘I see you are having a hard time right now. Do you want to talk about it?’” He quoted.

Gordon recoiled and stared at him like he just shot him in the face. “What?”

Benrey facepalmed. “Dude, I know you heard me, I get if you’re trying to annoy me back but it won’t work.”

“I-- no, no, you-- you sounded like you just said ‘I see you’re having a hard time right now, do you wanna talk about it?’???”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“Uh, shit. Um.” Gordon gulped. “... N.. no? I-- I dunno. Not with  _ you _ \-- what was that? Why were you-- you don’t  _ care _ about me!”

Benrey nodded exaggeratedly. “Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I am. listening.”

Gordon gave him a ‘what the fuck’ look.

Benrey sweat. Shit. Why wasn’t it working?

“Um. I am going to tell you like it is. ... I- ‘I heard your father died. That must have been really tough. Do you want to talk about it?’” Benrey quoted the article's example, word for word.

“What!? My father’s not dead!” Gordon exclaimed. “Wait, is he? Did you kill my dad?”

“No.”

“But- then what--”

“‘How are you feeling’?”

“Pretty fucking confused!”

Benrey smiled. “So you’re feeling better! Nice!”

“What!? No! What the hell are you talking about?!”

Benrey grinned. Finally, Gordon was back to normal. That wikihow article really helped!

“What happened to your arm?” He asked coyly. 

“My arm was… you cut it off…” Gordon answered, the malice in his tone leaving him as his eyes filled with tears. “A- and now I don’t have a normal arm… I can’t write, I can’t draw, I can’t-- I can’t hug my son--”   
  
He gasped. “Wait, where’s my son? Where’s Joshua? He-- He should be here!”

“Maybe he left you ‘cause you’re so cringe, bro. I looked at your laptop and--”

“JOSHUA!?” Gordon called, heading into the bathroom and picking up his phone, dialling someone. Benrey huffed and followed him.

“Anyways, I looked at your laptop and--”

“Hello? Joshua? Listen, I-- oh my god, where are you?” Gordon asked. “Please, call me back as soon as you can. I’m so sorry I wasn’t home, something happened at work--”

Benrey yanked the phone towards him and moaned really loudly into the receiver. Gordon whimpered and took back the phone, not even yelling at Benrey.

“Some jerk is here, don’t worry about him, that was him. Um. Something happened--”

“Your dad is cringe!”

Gordon let out an angry sob and glared at Benrey. He pulled the phone closer to him.

“Call me back and tell me where you are. I’m at home. I love you.”

He hung up.

“Damn, your son’s not even answering? Probably doesn’t want to be around his cringe ass dad. No games on his laptop--”

Gordon let out an anguished cry and ran his hands through his hair. He sank to the floor and pounded on the wall.  “SHUT UP!” He screamed at Benrey. “I CAN’T TAKE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!”

Benrey recoiled. He’d never heard Gordon  _ really  _ angry like that. He shook it off. 

“Can’t take me? We can see about that.” He winked. “But you’ll have to take me out to dinner first.”

Gordon crumpled up into a ball and hid from Benrey, crying again from all the stress. Benrey groaned.

“I  _ JUST _ fixed you what the FUCK!? Stop crying!”   


Gordon didn’t respond.

“...” Benrey sighed and got up, going back to the laptop. He searched up  _ ‘human needs’ _ . He found something called ‘ _ Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’ _ . Apparently, Gordon needed  _ all _ of this shit to feel better. Benrey facedesked and groaned. Fucking needy Gordon… 

He picked his head back up and read the lowest tier to himself. Might as well start at the basics. 

“ _ Air:  _ he has that,  _ Water-- _ ”

Benrey looked to the milk on the counter. That counted, right? Milk was just water but white.

He looked back to the needs. 

_ “Food, Shelter, Clothing,...”  _ He had all of those…

_ “Sleep, reproduction--” _

He blushed. Gordon needed to fuck to feel better?

…

Well, shit, he hoped Gordon’s wife or whatever got home soon. If that didn’t work out, though, Benrey  _ supposed _ he could make the sacrifice…

Sleep, though… Gordon needed sleep. 

Benrey glanced to the night sky outside.

Dark means sleep time.

Benrey got up and headed back to the bathroom, looking down at the still curled up Gordon.

“Yo, Feetman, you’re gonna go to bed now.”

“Huh?” Gordon looked up. He scowled. “Leave me alone.”

“No.” Benrey said, picking him up. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Gordon screamed, thrashing around. Benrey grunted, holding him in his arms tighter.

“Jesus, bro, just fuckin-- let me--”

He tossed Gordon into bed and yanked the covers over him.

“There! Now sleep!”

“No!” Gordon hissed. “I don’t trust you!”

“What does THAT matter!?” Benrey exclaimed. “Go to fucking bed!”

“Why!?”

“Because you need it to feel better, okay!? After this, there’s only one more… p- fy-sio-logical need! You’ll get to fuck tomorrow, okay? So just sleep now so tomorrow can come faster.”   


“What are you talking about!?”

“Human needs, dumbass! You’re a human, you should know them!”

“You…” Gordon narrowed his eyes, then glanced at the laptop. “Are you referring to Maslov’s Hierarchy?”

“YES! Now sleep! Or I’ll make you!”

“Ho-- how’re you gonna make me?” Gordon paled.

Benrey huffed and sat down on the edge of the bed. He began to sing in the Black Mesa Sweet Voice. Brown to Red. 

Gordon shut his eyes. “Nope! I’m not looking! I won’t let you knock me out!”

Benrey couldn’t respond because he was singing, but if he could’ve, he would have informed Gordon that shutting his eyes actually made it more effective.

In a few minutes, Gordon was fast asleep.

Benrey sighed, laying down on the floor and shutting his own eyes. Taking care of a human was fucking  _ exhausting _ . He had no idea how he was going to do this for a few years, if he was at all. Maybe there was a way to speed up the process?

He gasped. Yes!!! If he did real good everyday, then Gordon would be better in  _ way _ less time than a few years! Maybe even just a  _ month _ ! Or a few days!

_ He was going to speedrun Gordon’s recovery.  _


	2. Nightmares and Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey tries to calm Gordon down from a nightmare and Gordon tries to remember his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //tw for emeto, panic attacks, brief mention of suicide (hardly), and blood

Once Benrey had taken a good twenty minute nap (he didn’t really need sleep) he got back on the computer, looking up more stuff that would help Gordon. Although he hated reading and research, if he was going to speedrun this, he’d have to know what to do.  He wished he could just use cheats, but his cheats didn’t do much outside of Xen. Yeah, he could walk through walls, turn into a skeleton, never die, and he had the Black Mesa Sweet Voice, but nothing else. Plus, he wasn’t sure how those would help Gordon, other than the Black Mesa Sweet Voice. 

He eventually came across something called PTSD and read up on it. He shrugged, thinking it might apply so he kept open the tab. Suddenly, he heard some groaning behind him. 

He looked back towards Gordon, and saw him thrashing about in his bed, whimpering and mumbling to himself.

“Are you awake?” Benrey called. Gordon gave no response to him. Benrey hummed and looked up _‘person talking in sleep and rolling around’_ what came up was stuff about REM Sleep Behaviour Disorder. Benrey skipped through to _‘Treatment’._ Apparently, Gordon needed medicine and Benrey needed to remove all ‘dangerous objects’ from the room. 

Benrey sighed and looked around. He saw the gun arm, but he couldn’t remove that--

"AUGH!"

Gordon cried out in his sleep and fired. Benrey jumped and stared at him. 

“... Shit.”

He got up and grabbed hold of Gordon’s gun arm, trying to keep Gordon from firing again. Gordon shouted and fired it off again, right into Benrey’s face.

Benrey sighed, spitting out some blood onto the carpet. Fucking great, now he was bloody.

“Hey, chill out.” He whispered. 

Gordon whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut, mumbling something. He began shaking.

Benrey waited a few moments, making sure Gordon wasn't going to freak out again before going back to the laptop. Thank god for the internet, otherwise he’d have no idea what to do. 

He searched up _‘what to do when someone is freaking out in sleep’_ and found something on night terrors. He skipped down to _‘My partner is having night terrors-- what can I do?’'._ Apparently, he needed to speak to Gordon in a calm, reassuring, voice, but not wake him up. 

Easy enough.

He got back up and crouched by Gordon’s bed, face to face with him. Gordon cried out and fired again. Benrey grumbled and dragged his hand across his face, flicking off the blood. 

“Yo, stop shooting.” He whispered.

Gordon jumped and slammed his gun arm into the bed. 

“Stop.” Benrey silibated, getting annoyed. “Stop it.”

Gordon whined.

“Yo, listen to me. Bro, you gotta-- you gotta just sleep good, okay? When you sleep good, you don’t shoot.”

Gordon gasped and looked around in his sleep, eyelids twitching. “Sh-- shoot…?”

“Are you awake?”

“Huhn…?”

“Hm.” Benrey papped Gordon’s face. Gordon grumbled and swatted his hand.

“... Okay, I have a new idea.” Benrey said, then began to sing in the Sweet Voice. Gold to Brown. 

Gordon panted, then slowly began to calm down. “Nnm…”

Benrey clambered up on the bed, standing above Gordon like he was a sleep paralysis demon and kept firing the Sweet Voice at him. 

Maybe if he made a cocoon, Gordon wouldn’t move around as much…

Benrey then leaned down an began to cocoon Gordon in the gold to brown Sweet Voice, taking care to make sure it was tight and that Gordon could still breathe. Gordon's face scrunched up at the sensation, and soon not being able to move began to wake him up.

Benrey sighed once done and sat back without thinking, landing on Gordon’s thighs. He gasped. “Uh, shit--”

Gordon woke up. 

“Wh--?” Gordon tried to move unsuccessfully, then gasped and began to struggle against the cocoon. “W-- who-- what’s?”

He looked up at Benrey. Specifically, at his blood covered face.

Benrey smiled creepily. _“Hi~.”_

_**“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**_ ” Gordon screamed, thrashing around wildly, breaking the cocoon.

Benrey screamed in response, pinning Gordon down. 

“GO TO BED! STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING-- I SPENT _SO LONG_ ON THAT!”

Gordon screamed louder. Benrey slapped him across the face and then opened his mouth up wide, blasting Gordon with a red to brown Sweet Voice that instantly knocked him out. 

Benrey panted, thankful for the silence.

“Jesus christ, bro…” Benrey muttered, feeling exhausted after making a cocoon and using the Sweet Voice to it’s full potential. 

“I try to do one nice thing and he fuckin-- fuckin’ screams at… me…” 

Benrey yawned, swaying a bit, before passing out and falling next to Gordon, half on him, and half on the bed.

\----

Gordon slowly woke up, the night’s events weighing on him, even though he didn’t remember a thing. Drowsily, he hugged whatever he was hugging closer to his chest.

…

Wait, what _was_ he hugging? He didn’t have any stuffed animals, and Joshua wasn’t this big last he remembered…

He cracked open his eyes and then they shot open, staring at the man he was cuddling. Benrey stared back at him.

_**“WHAT THE FUCK!?”**_ Gordon screamed, rearing back and kicking Benrey out of the bed, tumbling out of the bed himself.

“Ow.” Benrey said, landing on the floor, his legs still on the bed. “Rude.”

_“WHY WERE YOU CUDDLING ME!?”_ Gordon yelled. “And-- and you’re still here? You’re here!? Why-- w--” 

He gagged and whimpered. “I’m gonna be sick--”

Benrey opened his mouth to explain, but Gordon had already ran to the bathroom to puke.

Benrey sighed. “If you keep running off, I’d actually, y’know, be able to tell you shit? And things? And shit about the things? And--... you can’t even hear me.”

Gordon flushed the toilet.

“YOU’RE GROSS, FEETMAN!” Benrey yelled. “PUKEMAN! VOMITBOY!!!"

“Stop yelling…” Gordon pleaded, leaning against the doorway. He looked woozy.

“Are you seriously _still_ tired? You slept for _eight_ hours.” Benrey badgered. 

“I don’t know if I had a good night’s sleep…”

“But I gave you a little cocoon! I cocooned you, bro! You should be normal now!”

“You what?” Gordon frowned. “Fucking-- you cocooned me? W-... why? Doesn’t that kill me?”

“No? You’re alive, dumbass.”

Benrey tossed a pillow at him, hitting Gordon in the face. Gordon sputtered and Benrey smiled.

“Okay…” Gordon pinched his brows together. “I still can’t believe you’re here…”

He went back into the bathroom, picking up his phone and checking his voicemail.

_“I_ still can’t believe you’re not better yet, bro.” Benrey said. “I did everything the Maslow’s asked for! Uh, well…”  He thought. “Where’s your wife?”

“I’m divorced.” Gordon replied bluntly, playing a voicemail from one of his friends. Apparently, Joshua had called her because he was really hungry and his father wasn’t home. She took him in for the week that Gordon was gone and now she was going to drop Joshua back off at the apartment. 

Gordon sighed and began to redial. He wasn’t sure Joshua should be around Benrey. Actually, he was 100% sure he shouldn’t be.

“You’re divorced?” Benrey asked, picking the conversation back up. Gordon nodded.

“Ha. Cringe. Did your wife take Joshie?”

“No, thankfully, Joshua’s with me. I don’t know what I’d do if she did…”

“Divorceman. Virginman. Incelman.”

“I literally have a kid, how could I be a virgin?”

“You look like a virgin.”

“I’m not.”

“Well, if you don’t have a wife, how are you gonna fuck?”

Gordon blinked a few times, then slowly turned and stared at Benrey. “I’m sorry, _where_ is this coming from?”

“The Maslow's Hierarchy? It said you needed air, water, sleep, clothes, a house, and to fuck. You did everything except fuck.”

Gordon took a moment to process what Benrey just said, then replied. “It didn’t say fuck.”

“It did!” Benrey argued, opening Gordon’s laptop. “You don’t believe me? Here!”

Gordon walked over and looked at the hierarchy. Sure enough, reproduction was there.

“Huh. Well… first off, I’ve had sex before, second off, I’m sure that just means you have to reproduce in your lifetime or whatever-- and, y’know what? You don’t even-- humans don’t need to fuck to survive. They-- some people don’t even wanna have sex.”

“So, we can skip this one?”

“Yeah, sure.” Gordon dismissed, redialling his friend's number and walking off to call her in private.

Benrey smirked. Hell yeah. They already managed to skip a step, a crucial part of speedrunning. ‘Physiological Needs’, done! Now onto ‘Safety Needs’.

_ ‘Personal security, employment, resources, health, property.’ _

Well, Black Mesa blew up so no employment, Benrey didn't know what resources were, health was vague… Gordon owned this apartment, which is property… But what was _'personal security'?_ Did Gordon need a body guard? He supposed Coomer would be a good fit.

"Okay, thank you." Gordon said into the receiver, sighing. "Again, I'm so sorry… Tell Joshua I love him, okay? But since he's over here I can't-- I can't have him back yet. I'll figure something out, though." " Okay, thank you. Goodbye."

He hung up.

"Wooooowwww, Gordon, I can't meet your son?" Benrey asked, leaning back in Gordon's chair. "Rude."

"Sorry, but you've killed literally everybody who could be killed except me, and-- and I can't take that risk. If Joshua died I…" He trailed off, face going grim. "... Well, shit, I might just go with him."

"Damn." Benrey said, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Okay. Uh…" He tapped the computer screen. "What's personal security?"

"Hm?" Gordon leaned over and glanced at the chart. "Oh, I dunno… Probably feeling safe?"

"How do you do that?"

Gordon shrugged. "I dunno. Uh, listen, what do you want, man? When are you gonna leave?"

"Huh? Wha?" Benrey said, dodging the question and also hoping for a reaction.

Gordon sighed. "What do you want, Benrey?"

"I dunno, some pizza sounds pretty good right now."

"Pizza? For breakfast?"

"Yeah. Gamer fuel."

"... Sure, why not?" Gordon shrugged, exasperated. "I've sunk this low and I don't wanna cook. You want cheese or pepperoni?"

"Uh." Benrey blanked, not expecting him to actually go with it. "... Anchovies."

"No!" Gordon protested, ending in a small chuckle at the absurdity and delivery of Benrey's line. "No, you-- no."

Benrey felt happier at Gordon's reaction. He assumed it was from the protesting. 

"You asked me what I want, and I want anchovies!!!" Benrey retorted playfully. "An-cho-vies, an-cho-vies, _an-cho-vies--"_

"Okay, fine, just shush." Gordon said, dialing a pizza place.

"Whoo!~ YeAHhh!!~" Benrey cheered obnoxiously. _"AN-CHO-VIES! AN-CHO-VIES! AN-CHO-VIES!"_

"Quiet or no pizza at all!" Gordon reprimanded, before actually ordering his half pepperoni half anchovy pizza.

"Make sure the anchovies are old!" Benrey called. "I want them _crusty!"_

"Ew.. " Gordon laughed. He didn't do as Benrey said, and instead thanked the person on the other line.

Benrey felt light again.

Gordon hung up and sighed, then sat down on the floor. He glanced up at Benrey, tensing a bit.

Benrey stared back at him.

"Why're you lookin' at me." He jeered.

Gordon shrugged. "Nothing else to do. I still don't know why you're here. Why were you in my living room in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to see you. We would play some games. I got the voucher back, by the way. So… We could play PlayStation."

"I don't have one."

"Tch." Benrey rolled his eyes. "Fake gamer."

"I'm-- no? I can't be a fake gamer if I'm not a gamer at all."

Benrey sneered. "Gross. You don't game? What the fuck…"

“I’m kinda busy at work, Benrey.” Gordon rolled his eyes, then frowned. “... Shit. I’m unemployed now. Oh, oh, no.” He began to panic. “S-shit-- how am I gonna keep my apartment? Black Mesa paid really well and now-- and-- n--now…”

Benrey glanced at the chart. 

_ Employment _

Hm.

He looked back to the freaked out Gordon and kicked him lightly, getting his attention. Gordon stared up at him and Benrey began to sing again. Gold to brown. 

Gordon sighed and let it wash over him. 

After a few minutes, Gordon was relaxed. He looked up at Benrey and gave him a small, tired, smile. "Thank you.”

Benrey’s heart fluttered. He choked on his sweet voice, spouting out one pink orb. He swatted it away. The fuck was that?

“Don’t, um, mention it.” Benrey said. “So, you need a job?”

Gordon nodded. “Yeah, I do. I guess I should start looking online…” He got up, standing by the seat that Benrey was occupying, expecting him to move.

Benrey didn’t move.

Gordon cleared his throat. “Can I sit?”

“Yeah.” Benrey said, not moving.

“Benrey, I’m not-- I’m not sitting on your fucking lap.”

“Why not? C’mon, have a lil’ seat.” Benrey goaded.

“No.” Gordon deadpanned, leaning over and trying to use the computer. Benrey poked his stomach. Gordon flinched and huffed. “Stop that.”

“Get off of my computer, bro.” Benrey taunted, poking Gordon’s stomach again, then using his other arm to poke him, too.

Gordon fought back his laughter. “Uh-- n--” He snorted. “S-- stop that-- This is my computer, Benrey!”

“Mine now. You don’t even game. Disrespectful to the computer.”

Gordon laughed a little, then got back up, covering his stomach. “Goddamnit, Benrey, I’m ticklish! Stop it!”

“You are?” Benrey smirked.

Gordon paled. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Benrey leaned back in his seat, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Don’t you have to look for a job, bro?”

“Well, I would be able to if someone would get out of my seat!”

“Oh, yeah, I think that someone should get out of your seat.” Benrey nodded, then looked around. “Hmmm… but the only people in here are me and you so…”

“I meant _you_ Benrey. You’re someone.”

“How do you know that?” Benrey retorted. “Maybe I’m not someone. Maybe someone else is sitting here.”

“I don’t have time for this.” Gordon said, swinging his gun arm and smacking Benrey into the wall, then sitting down. 

Benrey rubbed his head and groaned. He scowled and got up. Fucking Feetman, smacking him around…

He marched over to Gordon and plopped down in his lap.

“BENREY!” Gordon squeaked, trying to push him off. “Move it! W-what are you doing!?”

“Pretty rude of you to steal my seat like that, bro. This is mine.”

“...” Gordon sighed, leaning his head into Benrey’s back in frustration. “Okay, whatever. You’re obviously not gonna leave…”

He leaned around Benrey and continued searching online.

Benrey sat smugly on Gordon’s lap, assuming Gordon was going to push him off any second.

…

Benrey gulped. Why was Gordon just… working?

He looked back down at Gordon, who was just trying to focus on his computer.

Benrey blushed, a few pink orbs escaping him as he realized he was just… sitting in Gordon’s lap. No jokes. Gordon was just _letting_ this happen.

“This is pretty gay.” He blurted nervously. 

Gordon snoofed. “Yep.”

“... Wanna kiss?” 

“No.” Gordon deadpanned. “Get off me.”

“Make me.”

Gordon used his gun arm to fling Benrey off of him again, then scooted in and refocused on his work. Benrey thudded against the wall and groaned. Well, alright then.

Benrey hummed in thought. It had been almost two days so far, and Gordon had improved a lot, but he still seemed a bit off. The old Gordon would’ve gotten _belligerent_ at him for sitting in his lap. So, what else could Benrey do to speed this up?

_ Personal Security, employment, resources, health, property. _

Feeling safe… Did Gordon feel safe?

Benrey walked over and put his hand on Gordon’s shoulder, causing Gordon to flinch. He sighed out, steadying himself. “Shit, don’t scare me like that.”

“Do you think you’re safe?”

Gordon stared up at Benrey. “W-what?”

“Do you think you’re safe here?” Benrey asked again, staring Gordon down.

Gordon gulped. “N-not really…”

“Damn.” Benrey tsked. “‘Kay.”

He moved over to the bed and grabbed a blanket, then tossed it onto Gordon’s head.

“Boom.”

Gordon yelped and yanked the blanket off of him. “W-what the fuck?? What are you--” He got up, holding his gun arm. “What are you doing? Why did you ask me that?”

“Personal security, dumbass.” Benrey answered simply. “Keep looking up jobs. It’ll make things go quicker.”

“Wha…?” Gordon stared at him. Benrey rolled his eyes and chucked a pillow at Gordon. Gordon yelped and shot through it on instinct.

“Do you feel safe now?” Benrey asked.

Gordon looked at him, clearly frazzled, with smoke coming out of his gun arm. He was shaking lightly. _“N-NO!?!?”_

“Fuck.” Benrey mumbled.

Gordon gulped. “S-stop bothering m-me, okay? I’m gonna… keep looking like you said and-- uh-- don’t try anything, okay? ‘C-cause I got a GUN ARM and I’ll shoot if necessary!”

“And get blood all over your carpet? I can’t even die, bro.” Benrey laid down on Gordon’s bed. “Good luck… coward. You’re a jumpy lil’-- a jumpy’ lil paranoid boy, aren't’cha? Scaredy-cat.”

“I’m gonna ignore that.” Gordon said, sitting back down. 

Hours passed by. They got their pizza, which Benrey devoured and Gordon ate normally. Gordon applied to about five jobs, then decided to make an appointment with the hospital to get his arm looked at. 

“Why do you need to fix your arm?” Benrey asked, tossing the stress ball he stole from Gordon’s bedside up and down lazily. “Darnold already did that-- are you seriously gonna disrespect Darnold’s work like that, bro?” 

“Listen, the gun arm was great for Black Mesa because I had to defend myself, but in the real world, I don’t need it! I need an actual arm I can do things with and not, like, accidentally shoot someone.”

“But having a gun arm is cool.” Benrey said. “You can shoot people and not get in trouble for it.”

“Y-- what? No? I’d get in trouble for it, Benrey. Have you ever been _outside_ of Black Mesa?”

“Uh, of course I have. I was a kid once. Had a home.”

“... You did?”

“Duh, Gordon. We were friends.”

“Oh.” Gordon deadpanned. “You’re forging those memories, man.”

“I’m not!” Benrey huffed, throwing his ball into Gordon’s face. Gordon whimpered. “Don't you remember how we-- we played in the mud and ate bugs and shit?”

“I don’t remember that.”

“What _do_ you remember?”

“Before Black Mesa? Uh…”

“..."

Gordon paled. “Nothing. I-- I can't remember anything.”

“Damn, your memory’s shit.”

“No, no, wait, I should be able to remember!” Gordon protested. “I… I know I had a mother, I had a father… I grew up in Seattle, Washington, then… I remember graduating M.I.T. Then I moved t--”

“I don’t need your life’s story.”

“No, no, I should be able to remember most things! Why are there gaps in my memory?”

“Your brain’s probably too small to remember stuff.” Benrey said. "Small brain idiot."

Gordon bit his lip, thinking more about his life. He had a good grasp on major events, but nothing in between them. He knew where he was born, where he studied, and how he came to work at Black Mesa; and the Resonance Cascade was fresh in his mind, but the little things escaped him. His friends, his family-- he had no recollection of them at all. Little moments he knew were there, but were blurred out for some reason. He couldn't even remember the beginning days of working at Black Mesa or what he did there before the Resonance Cascade...  
  
He shook his head clear of that train of thought, deciding it was too upsetting, and that he would figure it out later. Currently, he had other problems to focus on.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gold to Brown means Please calm down.   
> Red to Brown means CALM THE FUCK DOWN
> 
> I'm so happy this got some attention!!! I rly thought this would get like 0 comments and kudos lol aksjhfdkjasd;asdf thank you all so much you're what made this chapter possible!!!
> 
> leave a comment if you enjoyed! They're what keep me going :D


	3. The Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon goes to the hospital. Benrey helps him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// surgery, blood, trauma, hypothetical gore

Gordon slipped on his jacket, patting himself down one last time before looking to Benrey. Benrey sighed and got up, walking over to him. “Why are we going again?”

“We’re going to the hospital because my  _ arm _ is a fucking  _ gun _ , Benrey.” Gordon said as they exited his apartment. 

“But that’s cool. You should keep it.”

“No. I’m not risking killing someone again.” He locked the door.

“What’s wrong with killing someone? You did it all the time at Black Mesa.”

“Sh!” Gordon hushed, glancing around. “Let’s keep my fucking war crimes  _ private _ , okay?”

Benrey grinned and cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting out: _“GORDON FREEMAN HAS THE SECOND HIGHEST CONFIRMED KIL--”_ Before Gordon slammed Benrey into the wall. Benrey grunted and kicked Gordon in the dick. Gordon crumpled and whined.

“I’m first, by the way. I killed _way_ more people than you.” Benrey boasted.

“Shut up…” Gordon mumbled, slowly getting up. He gave Benrey another glare before heading to his car. 

Gordon slid in and buckled up, waiting for Benrey to do the same. Benrey sat down, but didn’t buckle.

“Dude, buckl-- actually, I don’t care.” Gordon said, pulling out of the parking lot. 

“Woooow, after everything I’ve done for you, you’re not gonna make sure I’m safe? Rude.” Benrey taunted, leaning back in his seat.

“Everything you’ve done for me? Oh, yeah, right, you badgered me endlessly in Black Mesa hell, you tried multiple times to kill me, you traumatized me by killing innocent people with no regards to how  _ they _ or  _ I  _ felt and-- and you turned into some nightmare demon that still haunts my dreams. How… H-how selfless of you, Benrey. You really made sure  _ I _ was safe…”

Gordon’s voice began to crack as he spoke, and by the end, he had tears in his eyes, white knuckling the steering wheel and struggling not to break down. 

Benrey bit his lip. “...” He cleared his throat. “Damn, you see me in your dreams, bro…? That’s kinda gay.”

Despair washed over Gordon’s face. “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. You’ll never care. You’re incapable of caring about me or-- or the fact you fucked me up for life. And that you-- you’re the fucking  _ reason _ I’m going to the hospital today.”

He waved his gun arm to emphasize why.

“Why did you do it, huh? Why’d you fucking cut my arm off? For a laugh?” Gordon glared at him. “You asshole. Everything’s funny to you.”

He began driving again.

“... That’s not true.” Benrey muttered. 

\----

They arrived at the hospital, and Gordon got out of the car without saying anything, completely ignoring Benrey. Benrey huffed and followed him in, trying to keep up the pace.

“Yo, are you ignoring me now??” Benrey asked.

“I wish I could.” Gordon sassed. He filled out some papers, then sat down in the waiting room. 

Benrey walked up to him, considering sitting in his lap to piss him off. But then, something made him reconsider, and he sat down in the seat next to Gordon instead.

What was that? Usually he’d love to piss off Gordon… why did it feel wrong now?

He propped a leg up on Gordon anyways, a good compromise. Gordon shoved it off and grit his teeth. Benrey did it again, and this time, Gordon slammed his gun arm down onto his leg, making pain shoot through Benrey. 

“OW!” Benrey cried out, holding his leg. “Gordon!”

“Serves you right.”

Benrey huffed, then furrowed his brows. Since when did he feel pain? He didn’t used to… or… or did he?

“Gordon Freeman?” The woman called. Gordon got up and was led by her down the hall. Benrey followed behind. The woman glanced back at Benrey. “Are you family?”

“Huh?”

“You have to be family to visit me or whatever.” Gordon said. 

“Oh. Yeah, I’m family.” Benrey smiled.

“Wh--” Gordon glared at him. “No, you’re not!”

“Rude. Just ‘cause I’m adopted? _Wow_.” Benrey smirked.

The woman kept going after that, and Gordon sat down on one of the table beds.

The nurse asked some questions to Gordon, which Gordon answered honestly. Stuff like “Do you smoke?” and “Have you had sex in the past month?” Gordon replied no to the latter, which made Benrey shout out: _“HA! Virgin!”_

Then Benrey was kicked out of the room.

Benrey sat down outside of the door and grumbled. Fine. Whatever. Gordon and his stupid checkup, stupid arm… 

He decided to just rest outside for a moment, shutting his eyes and leaning his head against the hard wall. Now that Gordon was gone, he felt more relaxed. Although he loved being around Gordon, Gordon made him act out. Well, he acted out  _ because _ he wanted to piss off Gordon, but it was nice to just chill for a few minutes and be this other him outside of fucking around. 

It was twenty minutes before Benrey decided to go back into the room. He clipped into the wall, poking his ear out just to listen.

“I- I can’t afford that..!” Gordon protested, on the verge of tears.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Freeman. Maybe you can talk to your insurance company? Your employers?”

“My workplace was… uh--” He frowned. “I’m unemployed.”

“Hm.” The doctor wrote down something and then sighed. “Then, I’m sorry, we can’t go through with the procedure. I’d suggest coming back later, okay? We might still be able to amputate this... 'gun arm' of yours."

“... Okay.” Gordon mumbled.

Benrey frowned. That wasn’t good…

He heard the doctor leave the room, and Gordon following her. Once they were gone, Benrey clipped into the room. On the table, he saw multiple prosthetic arms. There was one that looked like a hand and didn't move, one that was more technologically advanced, but didn't look good. And then an electric one: the best of the best with full motor capabilties. Benrey also thought it looked fucking _sick._ Like Cyborg or Iron Man...

“...”

He grabbed the electric one and held it behind his back before clipping into the floor. He walked along under Gordon, following him to the car. Gordon stepped inside and sighed, running his hands through his hair. Benrey heard his name mumbled under Gordon’s breath.

“At least he’s gone…” Gordon said to himself.

Benrey popped up from the floor and clipped into Gordon’s car, the arm now under a seat.

“Hey.”

Gordon screamed, his arm going off and blasting holes through his windshield. He panted, gripping his chest. 

“H-holy fuck, Benrey.”

Benrey laughed. 

“Fuck you.” Gordon hissed, backing out and shakily getting onto the road home.

\----

Gordon stumbled into his apartment, fatigue taking him over as soon as he fell onto his bed. He groaned and whimpered, rolling over so he faced the ceiling. He felt like absolute shit. On top of not being able to get his new arm, he was stuck with the hospital visit cost and he might just have to get surgery soon… apparently, his gun arm wasn’t attached properly and could fuck him up-- not to mention his radiation poisoning!

“Hey, Gordon, you want an arm, right?”

Gordon blinked, then sat up slightly. “Uh, yeah? Wow, I think that’s, like, the second time you’ve ever called me by name.”

“Yeah, yeah, Feetman.” Benrey rolled his eyes. “You want an electric arm, and no gun arm?”

Gordon nodded, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "Yes, I do?” He answered cautiously. 

“Okay.” Benrey said, pulling out the electric arm from behind his back. Before Gordon could react, Benrey knocked him out with it.

\----

Gordon slowly opened his eyes, blearily taking in the world around him. He saw a silhouette of someone… Benrey? Standing over him. Gordon squinted, and Benrey came into view. He had blood on his hands and streaked across his face, and wore a smile.

“Wakey wakey~” He sang, kicking Gordon gently.

Gordon whimpered. “... What’d you do?” 

Gordon found no need to immediately get up. For all he knew, his guts could be spilled out right now. 

“I fixed your arm.” Benrey said proudly.

Gordon blinked a few times, then raised his hand up. He gasped, feeling the fingers flex mechanically.

“... How? I…"

“I stole the arm from the hospital.” Benrey replied, kneeling down and patting Gordon’s head. “That’s all you need to worry about.”

Gordon didn’t even mind the pat. He smiled and chuckled lightly. “That’s amazing, Benrey… I don’t even care you stole-- that’s… why? Why did you do it?”

“Um.” 

Benrey went silent.

“... ‘Cause you kept hitting me with the gun arm, and that was annoying. You can’t do that with this one.” He smirked, grabbing one of Gordon’s fingers and pressing down so it bent, making a whirring noise. “Don't wanna lose your precious arm again, do ‘ya?”

“You’re right, I don’t.” Gordon said, sitting up and pulling his finger out of Benrey's grasp. “... Thank you, Benrey.”

Benrey’s cheeks dusted blue, and some pink spittle came out of his mouth.

“Ew.” Gordon winced.

Benrey frowned, his cheeks going pale again. “Ew? Okay, vomitboy.” He kicked his chest harshly and stood up, going to the computer.

Gordon winced. “Ow… Jeez.”

Benrey huffed and opened up Gordon’s emails, checking them. He saw a few replies to his interviews and informed Gordon, who took over the computer and responded.

Personal Security, Employment, Resources, Health, and Property. 

It seemed only Personal Security and Employment remained.

Gordon would be back to normal in no time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment if you enjoyed! I love reading y'all's thoughts! Even if I don't reply, know that I appreciate every single one!


	4. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon and Benrey discover something about themselves, but Benrey doesn't seem to care as much as Gordon does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// emeto mention

“Why do you always sleep on the floor? It can’t be comfortable.”   


Benrey opened his eyes, glaring up at Gordon who was looking down at him.

“Where else would I sleep? You want us to share a bed?”

“No. No, definitely not… But I could probably spare a blanket and a pillow for you.”

“I don’t even need to sleep. It’s fine.” Benrey said. “Here, I got an idea.”   


He stood up and clambered into Gordon’s bed. “Mm, cozy!”   
  
“DUDE!” Gordon yelled, yanking back the sheets and trying to get Benrey out of bed. “Your boots are dirty!! At least take them off!!!”   


“No.” Benrey said, sticking out his tongue. “I'm perfectly comfortabl--”

_ Ding-Dong… _

Gordon glanced towards the door. “... Uh…” 

_ Ding-Dong… _

Gordon walked over and opened the door, a confused look on his face, before gasping. It was his friend who had been taking care of Joshua. And Joshua was with her.

“Mallorie!” Gordon exclaimed. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“Joshua got really homesick and, well, he left a lot of his things here so I thought--”

“Yo, is this your kid?”

Gordon went pale, glancing down at the spot where Joshua once was and then over to Benrey, who was very close to Joshua.

_ “JOSHUA! _ GET AWAY FROM HIM!” Gordon shouted. Joshua flinched and whimpered, taking a few steps back from Benrey.

“Whoa, you yell at your kids? Fuckin’ rude.” Benrey huffed.

“I’m protecting him-- and don’t swear around my child!”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

Gordon moved over and scooped up Joshua, holding him close and returning to the door. Mallorie opened her mouth to speak again, before her eye caught his arm.

“What happened to your arm…?”

Gordon bit his lip. “... Black Mesa, um, messed up big time. I paid the price.”

“Oh…”

“And he had a hand in it, too.” Gordon said, nodding to Benrey. 

“Get over it.” Benrey crossed his arms.

“Is he your friend?” Mallorie asked.

“Hell no.” Gordon said. “He’s the worst person on Earth-- he, ugh, I can’t get rid of him. And I can’t just call the cops either because he’s immortal and can walk through walls.”

“O… kay?” Mallorie nodded slowly, clearly confused and weirded out. “So, um, Joshie stays with me, then?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Gordon said. 

“Nooo!!” Joshua whined, patting his father’s face. “I wan’ stay with daddy!!!”

Gordon smiled, kissing Joshua’s cheek. “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be back home in no time, okay, Joshie?”

“Noooo! I miss daddy!!!”

“Aw, I miss you, too!” Gordon cooed, hugging his son close.

Benrey watched, his heart fluttering for a reason he didn’t understand.

“Okay, go ahead and grab whatever you need.” Gordon said to Mallorie. “I’ll watch Joshie. I can’t let Benrey around him.”

“Why’s that?” She asked, heading inside.

“He’s dangerous.” Gordon whispered.

“I’m not gonna kill your kid, Freeman.” Benrey deadpanned. “That’d be fucked up.”

“Oh, and killing tons of innocents isn’t?” Gordon fired back.

“You killed people too!”

“I didn’t have a  _ choice _ , Benrey!”

“And I did!?”

“YES!” Gordon shouted. “You had a CHOICE not to kill INNOCENT scientists! I only killed army members in self defense!”

“They weren’t even real people!” Benrey argued, crossing his arms. “Not like us. Not like you.”

“What?” Gordon furrowed his brows. “They-- they wer-- what do you mean they weren’t real?”

Benrey glanced towards Mallorie, who had been eavesdropping. She turned back to packing stuff, quicker this time.

“I’ll tell you later.” Benrey said, laying down on the bed again.

“Can you please get your boots off my bed?” Gordon asked.

“No.” 

Gordon sighed, sitting down with Joshua. Joshua looked at his right arm and tilted his head.

“Why’s your arm like that?”

“Um.” Gordon frowned. “I lost my arm, and so I replaced it with this mechanical one.”

Joshua stared at his arm. Gordon’s fingers moved, whirring. Joshua frowned.    


“I don't like how your new arm sounds."

Gordon chuckled. “Yeah? Me neither. But it’s better than having no arm.”

Joshua nodded in agreement, sitting down on his father’s lap and holding his right hand. Gordon smiled warmly and closed his fingers around Joshua’s. Joshua flinched back, staring at the fingers for a moment before putting his hand back in. 

“I love you, Joshie.” Gordon mumbled, kissing his head. 

Joshua giggled and leaned back, kissing his father’s cheek back. “‘Love you, too, daddy!”

“Alright, I think I have everything.” Mallorie said, slinging her backpack over her shoulder and holding out her hand. Joshua got up and took her hand. “Call me if you need anything, okay, Gordon?”

“Okay, thank you.” Gordon said. “Bye, Joshie. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay…” Joshua said. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

Mallorie and Joshua left, shutting the door behind them.

“... Your kid’s really cute.” 

Gordon glanced up to Benrey. “Um. Thanks.”

A silence stretched between them.

“So, um, what did you mean by they’re not real people? They  _ were _ , Benrey. Everybody is, uh,  _ real _ , and they had a life, and a family, and--”

“No. You should know this, right? Like, I don’t know why you’re still acting.”

“Acting?”

“I know this is a game, Gordon. Or, well, whatever your name is.”

“A game?” Gordon mumbled. “... A game…?”

“Yeah?” Benrey sat up. “A game. That you’re playing. That…  _ should _ have ended a while ago, but didn’t. I know this is a game, you don’t have to lie to me. I won’t break.”

“... I don’t know what you’re…”

Gordon grunted, holding his head in his hands. “Shit. Shit, no-- but--” 

The world went dark.

It came back.

Gordon’s eyes went wide. “This  _ is _ a game.”

Benrey stared at him. The fuck just happened? 

“I’m not playing it, though.” Gordon said. “I-- I’m  _ here _ , oh, god, am I not real?”

Gordon stood up, swaying a bit as his breath quickened. “I-- no, no, I’m real! I have to be real! I-- I’m right here…” He looked down at his hands, shaking. “I can feel things, I can see things, hear things-- a computer can’t do that!”

“Gordon, stop fucking with me.” Benrey scolded, a little nervous himself. “I know you’re playing the game--”

“I’m not! The games fucking over, Benrey!” Gordon cried out. “It was-- it was supposed to end with you! You were the final boss! Then, then, I remember the credits, I remember... feeling cold, then… I went home? After the game? But, no, this can’t-- this isn’t a-- I’m real, aren’t I?”

Benrey stared at him. His blood went cold. “Uh…”

“Benrey, I’m real, right?” Gordon asked, shakily. “I mean, I guess you guys aren’t, but I am, right?”

“Are you playing a game?”

“N-no.”

“Then, no, Gordon. You’re not.”

Gordon’s face dropped. 

Benrey watched in awe as Gordon crumpled to the floor, mumbling to himself like a madman and holding back a panic attack as this new information washed over him. To Benrey, he had always known nothing was real. That’s why he fucked around so much-- Gordon could just leave if he was annoyed, or reset the game or whatever. And nothing Gordon went through was real, he was just acting.

But he wasn’t acting anymore.

Gordon was ‘real’, like Benrey. Like Tommy, and Coomer, and Bubby, and this whole world.

“... How are you… like me?” Benrey asked slowly, kneeling down by Gordon.

Gordon ignored him, too caught up in his own processes.

Benrey frowned and just sat down, waiting patiently. Normally, he’d just fucking smack Gordon out of this, but right now the revelation subdued him.

He waited for five minutes before he was just too bored to wait any longer.

“Hey, Freeman?” Benrey prodded, poking Gordon’s shoulder. Gordon looked up at him, eyes wide. Benrey cleared his throat. “How are you… not real anymore?”

“I don’t know.” Gordon choked out. 

“Do you remember being real?”

Gordon shook his head. “No. I don’t. I just--” He sniffled. “I remember, um, thinking of you guys as fake-- but I don’t remember a world outside of this one anymore. I think w-when I was in Black Mesa, I was… the ‘player’, or whatever, but now that the game’s over, and I’m still here… I’m somehow… the ‘player’, but not real?”

“Are you trapped in here?”

“In- in the game?”

“Yeah.”

“...No? I was-- I was always in this game. I remember having a life before this--” He gasped. “Unless it’s fake! Oh, god, Benrey, what if my memories are fake!? What if the world is fake!?”

“They--” Benrey bit his lip. “... They are, man. Everything’s fake. How did you-- How…”

Gordon began to have a panic attack.

Benrey watched him as he hyperventilated and hugged himself, barely holding himself back from puking.

“...”

Benrey sat back and took off his helmet, wiping his forehead of sweat. He looked inside of his helmet, and saw pink and black squares that went on for infinity. 

Guess the developers didn’t bother texturing that.

He put his helmet down and breathed out slowly. Gordon was still having a panic attack, and it was starting to affect Benrey. Benrey kicked Gordon in the side lightly, startling him.

“Stop freaking out, I’m starting to freak out with you.”

“How are YOU not freaking out!?” Gordon cried. “Nothing I know is real! Nothing is real!”

Benrey bit his lip. “...” He groaned. He hated being all serious and…  _ caring _ and stuff but if Gordon kept freaking out, it’d freak him out, too, and Gordon would never be back to normal. 

“Sh.” Benrey soothed, grabbing Gordon’s wrists and lowering them, forcing Gordon to look into Benrey’s eyes. Benrey gulped.

“Listen, man, none of this is  _ really _ real, but… there’s no way out, okay? Just, have fun with it.”

“H-have fun with it?” Gordon mumbled. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO--” Benrey slapped his hand over his mouth.

“Just listen to me, okay? None of this is  _ real _ to whoever  _ made _ this, but it’s… it’s all we have, okay? We can’t go to the ‘ _ real _ ’ world, so we… should just live in this one.”

He squeezed his hands. “Together.”

Gordon stared at him, eye searching his face for any semblance of trickery, of mockery. There was none: only genuine concern.

“I… I didn’t know you could be serious like this, Benrey.”

Benrey huffed. “Tch. I guess.”

“...” Gordon gulped. “I hate to say it: but you’re right. There’s no way to escape this world, so might as well accept it, huh?”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah. Plus, I’m sure in the real world, you can’t do this.”

He clipped into the floor, so only his head poked out. Gordon yelped and backed up against the wall before relaxing and laughing anxiously. “Oh, my  _ god _ , Benrey.”

Benrey grinned and reentered the room fully. “See? Real world you probably can’t do that.”

Gordon nodded. “T-true… But, I can’t do that…”

“You might.”

“Really?”

“Mhmm.”

“Is it painful?”

“Nah.”

Gordon nodded slowly, breathing heavier and slower now. “Man, I-- ugh. This is  _ so  _ fucking much.”

“You’re still freaked out?”

“YES!” Gordon shouted. “This is a fucking LIFE-CHANGING revelation, Benrey!”

“Man, you were never this sensitive in Black Mesa…”

“I was running on adrenaline, Benrey! Everything was numbed!”

Gordon paused. 

“... Or, maybe, I just… didn’t feel it at the time. Maybe I was still… being controlled by the player? So…”

“Yeah, I guess you didn’t feel anything.”

“No, no, I felt it!” Gordon protested. “Or, at least, I remember feeling it now…”

Benrey paled, glancing towards Gordon’s arm. “Did you feel your arm?”

“Yes.” Gordon replied grimly, flexing his mechanical arm.

“... Huh.”

Gordon sighed, running a hand through his hair and then really looking at Benrey. He gasped. “Whoa, I just realized your helmet’s off. Has it ever been off?”

“Nope.” Benrey said. “Hey, wanna see something cool?”

Before Gordon could respond, Benrey lifted up his helmet and showed Gordon the untextured inside, moving it side to side so Gordon could see that it was moving infinitely. 

Gordon gasped, backing up. “W-” He leaned forward and stared at it intently. “Why’s it like that?”

“Guess whoever made this decided not to texture it.”

Gordon chuckled uneasily and poked the texture, feeling nothing but a smooth surface.

“That’s crazy…”   


“Yeah, anything that wasn’t supposed to be seen has this. I’ve seen it around before.”

“...” Gordon sat back. “Huh. Do you think there’s anything like that here?”

“Oh, yeah, definitely.” Benrey nodded. “Check this out.”

He unbuttoned his shirt a bit, then pulled back the folds so his collarbone could be seen. It was untextured, just like the inside of his helmet.

“Whoa!” Gordon gaped, poking his collarbone. “It’s smooth…”

He blinked, and suddenly, it was flesh. He gasped. “That’s crazy! Wh- do I have something like that?”

“Maybe.” Benrey shrugged.

Gordon rolled up his pant leg. Nothing unusual. He rolled up his other, also nothing unusual. He frowned. “Hm… Maybe it’s because I’ve seen myself naked before…”

“Probably.” Benrey nodded. “So everything’s loaded in.”

“How come I never noticed…?” Gordon asked himself.

“I mean… it’s hidden, so how would you?”

Gordon nodded, contemplating that.

Benrey scritched his scalp idly while Gordon thought. He winced and pulled his hand back, a trail of grease following it. 

“Is hair supposed to be…  _ slimy _ ?”

“What?” Gordon opened his eyes, then recoiled and gagged. “BENREY! OH MY GOD! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A FUCKING SHOWER!?”

“Uh.” Benrey thought. “Never?”

“Okay, yeah, no, you’re taking a shower.” Gordon decided, grabbing Benrey and shoving him into the bathroom. “Don’t use my soap! But you can use my conditioner!” He shut the door.

Benrey opened the door again. “... How do you take a shower?”

“Wha- uh--” Gordon stammed, flabbergasted. “You don’t know  _ how _ ?”

“Shut it, Feetman, or I’ll drown you in the tub.” Benrey snarled. “Now, how do you do it?”

“I, uh.” Gordon thought. “You get naked--”   


“Whoaaa, you want me to get naked? Kinda gay, bro--”

“No!” Gordon objected. “Oh my god, I swear, if you don’t shut up, I won’t tell you.”   


Benrey was silent.

Gordon sighed. “Okay, so, get naked, turn on water, get in shower, then just let the water get all over your body and then you… use your hands to scrub everywhere and then you… pour a  _ tiny _ , a fucking TINY, like chocolate- _ CHIP  _ SIZED amount of shampoo--”

“Why the emphasis on tiny, bro?”

“Because I feel like if I didn’t tell you that, you’d, like, use the whole bottle.”

“Rude.” Benrey said. “I would only use  _ most _ of it.”

Gordon snorted. “Well, don’t. Um… Yeah, use the shampoo, scrub it in, leave it for a bit, then rinse it out… then you do the same with the conditioner. Got it?”

Benrey nodded. “Got it. I get in the shower, fully, dressed, then I eat all your soap.” He shut the door.

“BENREY!” Gordon hollered, tugging at the now locked door handle. “YOU BETTER BE JOKING!”

Benrey laughed wickedly, similar to how he laughed when he leapt off of the elevator. Gordon heard the  _ zip _ of a fly. 

Gordon sighed. “Please, don’t fuck up my shower and eat my soap.”

“I won’t eat your soap unless it looks tasty, bro.”

“Well, it’s plain white, so it doesn’t!”

There was a pause.

“Nah, it looks pretty tasty. I’m gonna eat it.”   


“I fucking hate you.”

“Love you, too.”

Gordon blushed and huffed, walking away from the door and laying down on his bed. His revelation hit him again, and he put a hand on his forehead, pinching his eyebrows together out of stress.

“Mm…”

_ So, _ previously, he was being controlled by someone, but those memories were now his own, and he seemed to be the exact same as the player. Maybe he was still the player roleplaying, but he had no idea he was roleplaying?

...No, that was different. He remembered being the player at Black Mesa, but also remembered it being real. He knew things were fake at the time, but now they seemed real… were his memories being altered for that reason?

He buried his head in his hands. Okay, he was a scientist. He needed to make a hypothesis, then back it up.

Hypothesis: While in Black Mesa, he was being controlled by someone else.

Evidence: Benrey said so (but did he really trust that motherfucker?), at certain times he recalled himself saying he was “ending the simulation”. Although it made perfect sense to him at the time, it didn’t now. He also remembered telling Coomer that none of this was real, and continuously referring to it as a game.

So, yeah, he was most likely being controlled by a player in Black Mesa. And this was after the game, where he was no longer being controlled by a player. 

Unless…

“Hey!” Gordon called out to the sky. “Are… can you hear me? Am I being controlled?” Immediately, Gordon thought that  _ this is stupid. If I was being controlled, I wouldn’t ask this! Unless whoever is controlling me is roleplaying… but why would they do that? _

“Please, answer me. I need to know.” Gordon pleaded. “I need to know if i'm in control or not. Give me a sign. Move something. Do something to me, I don’t care!”

A moment of silence stretched through the room.

Gordon sighed. 

Hypothesis: While in Black Mesa, he was being controlled by someone else. 

Conclusion: Very likely.

Hypothesis: Now that he was out of Black Mesa, and the ‘game’ had ended, he was in control of himself again.

Conclusion: Also very likely.

But why did he act exactly like the player…?

Just then, he heard the bathroom door open. Gordon glanced over, then immediately covered his eyes.

“DUDE! GET DRESSED!” Gordon demanded.

“I don’t have any clean clothes.”

Gordon’s eyes widened.  _ Oh, shit.  _

“Um… Do you have any at home?”

“I don’t… have a home.”

“I thought you said you did?”

“Well, I mean, I’m… supposed to be a person, so I guess I have a home  _ theoretically _ , but, like, I don’t actually have one. Not one that’s real.”

“... Oh.” Gordon responded. “I’m so sorry, Benrey, I didn’t know--”   


“Can I borrow your clothes?”

“Um. Sure. They might be a bit big, though…”

“‘Kay.”

Gordon heard Benrey go over to the closet and rifle through his stuff before grabbing some clothes. The bathroom door shut.

Gordon turned, making sure Benrey was gone before he relaxed again.

A few moments later, Benrey came out of the bathroom, fully dressed. He was wearing Gordon’s college sweater: gray with red block letters that spelled out M.I.T. He also wore Gordon’s plaid sweatpants, and some fuzzy socks.

“Clothes are super comfortable.” He commented, walking in and sitting next to Gordon.

“Um, You’re welcome.” Gordon said. “Hey, Benrey, can I ask you a question?”

“You just did.”

“Okay, you know what I fucking meant. Can I ask you a question after this one?”

“No.”

Gordon inhaled deeply, collecting himself before calming down.

“What was I like before the resonance cascade?”

Benrey blinked, surprised by his question. 

“Um.”   


He thought.

“Like, before when I asked you for your passport?”

“Yeah.”

“Um… I dunno. I kinda remember seeing you around a bit, but you were  _ very _ quiet... honestly, you didn’t really have a personality.”

Gordon paled. “Oh my god.”

“What?” Benrey asked, looking down at him. 

“I think I figured it out.” Gordon said, sitting up. “But, um, tell me something-- were you really supposed to be the final boss? Or were you just a random security guard?”

“Random security guard.” Benrey said. “That’s why every security guard looks like me.”

“And all the clones…” Gordon mumbled. “But nobody else looks like  _ me _ . I’m  _ unique _ .”

“Oh, yeah, how fuckin’ special--”

“Sh! Sh!” Gordon silibated. “I have a theory: Okay, so, before Black Mesa, in our fake memories, I had no personality. Because I’m the main character who gets controlled by the player, so the player can express their personality  _ through me _ . So, when the game started, just before the big event: the Resonance Cascade, I suddenly had a personality! Because I was being puppeted by the player.  So, while I was being puppeted by the player, that data was stored in my brain… creating those memories of being in Black Mesa! Normally, I’d probably fight the real final boss--  _ who, by the way, I have no idea who that would be--  _ and then the game would end.  _ However _ , since you took the final boss’ place, that disrupted the story! So instead of ending like it was supposed to, the game just…  _ kept going _ . And now it’s just building in random shit that it thinks belongs here! Because none of this is supposed to happen! Like, like--”

“Like under our clothes?” Benrey asked.

“Yes!” Gordon nodded. “Exactly! At first, we were untextured, but when we realized that was wrong, it fixed itself! And I think that now the game is just…  _ continuing  _ without any plot, without any player input, and that’s how this works!”

Benrey nodded slowly. “Wow… you are  _ a massive _ fucking nerd.”

“Wh--” 

Gordon scowled. 

“You-- I--” He tugged on his hair. “Are you fucking kidding me? I just had this  _ huge  _ revelation and you don’t-- that’s all you have to say?”

“Yeah?” Benrey said, leaning back. “I dunno, I guess it’s kinda weird, but I already knew none of this is real.”   


“But you didn’t know about the textures!”

“I don’t really care.”

Gordon felt his blood pressure spike. “OH, YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, I FUCKING FORGOT, YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT  _ ANYTHING _ THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS WORLD, BLACK MESA, OUR FRIENDS,  _ ME!!!  _ And you CERTAINLY don’t FUCKING care that I just-- I blew this whole thing WIDE open and I am KINDA freaking out about it!!!”

“... That’s not true.” Benrey scoffed. “I care about...  _ y-you _ .”

Gordon face flared red. “YOU CARE ABOUT ME!? _YOU CARE ABOUT ME!?! SINCE FUCKING_ ** _WHEN_** _HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT MY WELL-BEING!? YOU ANNOYED ME, YOU CONSPIRED AGAINST ME, YOU CUT OFF MY_ ** _ARM_** _, YOU KILLED PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME WHEN YOU_ ** _KNEW_** _IT FUCKING UPSET ME, YOU TRIED TO KILL_ ** _OUR FRIENDS_** _, AND THEN WHEN I FINALLY THINK IT’S ALL OVER, YOU SHOW UP OUT OF NOWHERE!_ If you really fucking cared about me, you would’ve stayed the FUCK away from me, Benrey. I never wanted to see your fucking face AGAIN. I’ve only let you stay here because I’m too scared to kick you out! I’m scared that-- that if I put my foot down, you’ll ruin everything, just like you always do! You’ll kill me, or my son, or go on a murderous rampage, because you _don’t. Fucking. Care._ ”

Gordon panted, breaths shaky from his rage. 

Benrey stared at him.

While Gordon was yelling at him, Benrey was reminding of all the times Gordon would get pissed in Black Mesa. It was funny, then, because he was just so outrageously angry and the most  _ stupid _ shit, and it also helped that it was delaying their progress from the game being done.

All this time, he had been working to get Gordon to feel better so he’d be mad at him like that again. So he could see his funny reactions and laugh as Gordon cried.

But it wasn’t funny this time.

Benrey didn’t feel any joy in his heart at Gordon’s rage. He didn’t feel like a happy bastard for being yelled at.

He felt…  _ small _ .

Benrey sat up, Gordon’s clothes suddenly feeling a  _ lot _ less comfortable.

“You want me to leave? Fine, I’ll leave. Don’t fucking talk to me.”

Gordon sighed. “God, finally, please, can you do that forever?”

Benrey huffed, walking over to the door, then hesitating. “... We used to be best friends. I dunno what happened.”

“I don’t think we ever were best friends, man, I don’t think I’ve ever liked you!”

Benrey glared at him, then gestured down to his clothes.

“... I didn’t want to see you naked. That’s all. I will  _ never _ like you, Benrey, you ruined my fucking life, and you keep doing it. I bet you’re gonna come back tomorrow like nothing happened.”

“Stupid bet.” Benrey mumbled, opening the door and leaving, not bothering to close it behind him. He clipped through the apartments, landing on the ground floor and walking out of the building.

Why did he feel so…

Sad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	5. We Used to be Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Gordon and Benrey go their separate ways, they each remember a "simpler" time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //tw broken bones

Benrey began to wander through the streets. He wished he had a home now, so he could go back to it, but he supposed random NPC’s don’t  _ get _ houses. The closest thing he had was Black Mesa or Gordon’s apartment and, well, he couldn’t return to either.

Benrey looked up at the afternoon sky, dipping into deeper hues on the horizon. It reminded him of Black Mesa, of Gordon, of his friends…

His friends…!

Maybe he could crash at Tommy’s, or Bubby’s! Or Coomer’s! Yeah! Fuck Gordon, those guys were  _ way _ more fun.

… Except, he didn’t know where they lived.

Well, he guessed he’d just have to  _ find _ them.

He kept walking.

He walked by houses, by workplaces, by apartments: peering into their windows. He didn’t find Tommy, Bubby, or Coomer in any of them. So, he kept walking.  As he walked, that  _ small _ feeling in his chest kept growing, making him feel even worse. He whimpered, hunching over. What was this feeling…? It wasn’t quite like sadness… he’d never felt this before. 

Stupid Gordon, making him…  _ feel _ things. 

He cast a glance behind him. He couldn’t see Gordon’s building anymore. That somehow made him feel even worse.    


“Fuck!” Benrey shouted out, kicking a rock. He balled his fists up in his pockets--

In  _ Gordon’s _ pockets.

He whined. He wished he didn’t take his clothes now…

A childlike scream came from beside him. He startled, looking up. It appeared he was by a playground. Children were playing and laughing with their friends: on the swings, playing tag, digging around in a sandbox. Their parents watched fondly, talking with their own friends.

Benrey scowled, looking away. 

He remembered him and Gordon as kids (even though he couldn’t see either of them in detail) playing in a sandbox together. It was this one time that stood out to him the most:

_ Gordon had built a sandcastle with the little plastic sand molders he had. It had taken him a few minutes, but he was finally done! He was just about to add a moat when Benrey came in and smiled. _

“Nice castle!”

Gordon looked up at him and smiled back. “Thanks! Do you wanna help me add a moat?”

“Sure.”

Gordon drew a line around the castle, then took some of the water from his bottle and poured it in, making the sand wet. “Hmm…”

“What d’you need a moat for?” Benrey asked. 

“To protect against monsters!” Gordon replied. “So they can’t destroy it!”

Benrey thought for a moment, then grinned and stood up. “Okay! I’ll be the monster!”

Before Gordon could react, Benrey stomped on his sand castle, roaring and laughing. He kicked it up and smashed the little towers to dust.

“NO!!!” Gordon cried out, pulling on Benrey. “Stop it! Stop it!”   


Benrey laughed. “Your castle is no match for my Godzilla fire breath! Rawwrrr!” He kicked the last piece of it over.

“STOP!” Gordon pleaded, tugging on his shirt and knocking him over. Benrey fell down on him, then sat up, Gordon under him. He frowned. Gordon was crying.

“Why’re you sad?” Benrey asked.

“YOU RUINED IT!” Gordon huffed, kicking Benrey off of him and wiping his eyes. “You ruined my castle…”

Benrey blinked, staring at him as he cried, then looking back at the sand.

“... I’m sorry.” He said, scooting over and hugging Gordon. “I, um, thought you wanted me to be the bad guy. So I was. I didn't know…” He trailed off, feeling that _small_ feeling.

Gordon wiped his eyes.

Benrey grabbed the plastic mold and scooped up some sand. “I-I’ll help you rebuild it, okay? Even stronger, so nobody can destroy it!”

Gordon looked at him. “... Really?”

Benrey nodded, smacking down the mold and making a tower.

_ Gordon smiled, grabbing his own mold and beginning to help, too. _

That memory used to always be happy to Benrey, but now it just made him feel like shit. Was that memory even real? It probably wasn’t-- and it wasn’t programmed, either, why would the developers program that memory into a random NPC? Was Benrey just so desperate to be close to Gordon that he  _ made up _ a memory of him? One that not even Gordon remembered?

He felt something trail down his face. He wiped it away and frowned.

_ Shit, he was crying _ .

He wiped his eyes and choked out some deep blue sweet voice. 

_ Goddamnit. _

“Benrey…?”

Benrey gasped, looking around for the source of the voice. Who…?

“Benrey, is that you??” Bubby called. “Are you okay?”

Benrey looked over and saw Coomer and Bubby, sitting together on a bench on the other side of the park. He smiled, wiping his tears and jogging over. “Hey! Coomer! Bubby! I was, uh, looking for you guys!”

“You were?” Coomer inquired. “Why’s that?”

“Um.” Benrey blushed. “... Feetman kicked me outta his house… I was wondering if I could crash with one of you guys? I don’t, um, have a home.”

“You were living with Gordon?” Bubby asked. “I thought he hated you!”

“He does.” Benrey mumbled, sitting down next to them. "Apparently, he was only letting me stay because he thought if he didn’t, I’d, like, kill his son.” 

He forced himself to laugh. It came out weak. 

“H-how stupid, right? He’s so stupid. I hate him.”

Those words felt sour on his tongue.

Bubby and Coomer exchanged a glance before Coomer moved over to sit next to Benrey, his hand on his shoulder. “ _ Were _ you going to kill his son?”   


“NO!” Benrey shrilled. “Of course not! I-- I’m bad, but I’m not an asshole! I…” He buried his head in his hands. “Ever since he kicked me out, I’ve been feeling so  _ weird _ .”

“Weird how?”

“I feel…” Benrey searched for the words. “I feel  _ small _ . I feel... sad, but not sad? It’s not sadness, but it’s close…”

“I think you feel guilty.” Bubby said. “Though, honestly, I didn’t know you  _ could _ feel guilty. Did Gordon’s pussiness rub off on you?”

Benrey scowled at him. 

“Now, Bubby, please do try to be considerate. Our friend is going through a tough time!” Coomer chastised. 

“I guess.” Benrey said, rolling his eyes. “I mean-- it-- y’know, I don’t fucking  _ care _ about… I don’t care! He was annoying anyways!”

“If you don’t care, why do you feel guilty?” Coomer asked.

“I…” Benrey drew his lips in a thin line. “I don’t.”

“Oh, good, then!” Coomer smiled. “Problem solved!”

Bubby nodded. “You really are good at that, Dr. Coomer.”

“Thank you, Dear Bubby!”

They pecked eachother on the lips.

Benrey stared. “You guys are dating?”

“Yes!” Coomer confirmed. “Once we got out of Black Mesa, we had to fend for ourselves in this strange world. We’ve grown very close since then.”

“Mhmm.” Bubby nodded. 

“Huh.” Benrey mumbled. “... Dr. Coomer, how do I make the guilt go away?”

“Oh. I thought you did already?”

Benrey huffed. “I lied.”

“That’s not very nice!” Bubby said. 

“Lying? Really Benrey?” Coomer scolded.

“I KNOW! I KNOW!” Benrey exclaimed. “Just tell me how to make it go away!”

“Well…” Coomer thought. “You have to make up with Gordon! Apologize to him, tell him about your feelings!”

“Wh--” Benrey stammered. “N- wh-- no? What? No-- there’s gotta be another way!”

“I’d trust Dr. Coomer on this. Just talk to him!”

Benrey groaned. “I’d rather die…”

Dr. Coomer shrugged. “Well, I gave you my advice. Go from there!”

“...” Benrey sighed. “But I can’t go back there. He doesn’t want me there!”

“Since when has that stopped you?” Bubby asked.

“That’s the problem! If I go back, that means that he’ll be  _ right _ and…” Benrey trailed off. “... And he was right already. If I _really_ cared about him, I would have given him time alone. So, I’m gonna give him time alone."

“Oh my, Benrey, do you care for Gordon?” Coomer asked.

“What? Huh?” Benrey responded, dodging the question. “Huh?”

“He asked if you liked Gordon, dumbass.” Bubby said.

“No.” Benrey replied. “Anyways, can I crash with you guys?”

“Sure!” Coomer said. “Though, our house is new, so do be tidy!”

Benrey quirked a brow. “New? Did you buy a house? How?”

“Nope! It just appeared when we realized that we should have a home!” Coomer explained. “Maybe it’ll work the same for you!”

Benrey nodded. “Maybe… um…”

He thought. “I should have. A home. Because I am a person who… didn’t live at Black Mesa. I should have a home! I should have a _home_.”

“...”

“Do you remember where your house is?” Bubby asked.

“No.” Benrey sighed. “Guess the universe just fuckin’ hates me.”

“Maybe so, but let’s not dwell on that.” Coomer patted his back. “Let’s get a move on before it gets dark!”

\----

Gordon expected Benrey to come back any second now. He’d pop up from the floor, or Gordon would blink and he’d be there, or he’d turn on the TV and see that he was on a rampage in the news. 

Nothing happened.

Gordon was still suspicious. He went about his day, making food, working from his computer, watching TV…

It was kinda boring.

He went to bed early that day, curled up at 8 pm and dozing off

He dreamt, for the first time in a while. 

He was in middle school again. He was pretty short for his age, with a Star Wars t-shirt and plain shorts. It was his first day, and he was very nervous.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder, and he turned to see one of his bestest friends: Benrey!

“Hey!” Benrey greeted, his voice the same as his adult version. “Wanna see something cool?”

Gordon thought. He had to get to math... 

“Don’t worry about that.” Benrey said, as if Gordon’s thoughts were said out loud. “Just live a little! Come follow me!”

And Gordon did, without a second thought. 

They arrived outside, and Benrey grabbed his hand, leading him towards the forest that lined the playground. Gordon gripped Benrey’s hand back, beginning to sweat.

“W-why are we going towards the woods?” He asked, his voice also grown. “I- I think we were told not to go there.”

Benrey didn’t respond. He entered the woods, the trees completely encasing him so only his eyes were left. He grinned, his teeth glowing too.

“Follow me.”

He vanished into the woods.

Goron gasped, sprinting after him. He saw a trail of sweet voice and followed that, Benrey’s haunting song guiding him through the darkness. He ran, and ran, and a branch caught his backpack. He ignored it, and kept running. If he didn’t catch up, he’d be lost.

Another branch hit his arm. He winced and held it, stopping for a moment to inspect the damage.

His arm was gone.

He gasped, trembling. “Wh-- huh?” He looked around for his fallen arm.

The Sweet Voice faded.

Gordon looked up, hoping to see where Benrey had gone. 

He couldn’t see the trail.

“No…” Gordon mumbled. “No, no!! I-- BENREY!? BENREY WHERE ARE YOU!?”

The darkness closed in around him. Gordon couldn’t see.

“I told you to follow me.”   


Gordon glanced around. He still saw nothing.

“I’m sorry! I tried to! I--”

“Follow me.”

Gordon’s feet dropped out from beneath him, and he fell, screaming, through the sky. Up above, he saw a smaller version of his world, with missing walls and people. Down below, he saw the school, the trees, and the playground. Everything else was flat green.

He crashed down into the forest, the branches smacking him and breaking a few of his bones on the way down. He landed on the ground, limp, hurt, cold.

Benrey stood over him.

Gordon stared up at him. “... Help…”

Benrey picked him up, then began to carry him out of the woods. Gordon sighed, shutting his eyes and letting it happen.

“Keep your eyes open. I want you to see this.” Benrey said. Gordon blearily obeyed, and saw the sunlight. He squinted.

“The sun?”

“No. Look out.”

Gordon looked to his left and gasped.

At the edge of the forest, the ground abruptly dropped off. There wasn’t a cliff, it just. Stopped. The horizon was only made up of black void and blue sky. 

Gordon whimpered. “Benrey, I-I’m scared.”

“You are?” Benrey asked. “I’m not. I’ve seen this a thousand times.”   


“But  _ I  _ haven’t…”

Benrey sat down. “Sucks for you.”

Gordon gulped. “Why are you so mean to me?”

Benrey glanced at him. “Did I not just carry you through those woods? Am I not your dearest friend?”

Gordon bit his lip. “... Y-you did… and you are, but you… you also led me  _ into _ those woods.”

“I didn’t know you would get hurt.”

“But I was still hurt.”

“...” Benrey looked out to the horizon. “... We used to be friends. Don’t you remember this?”

Gordon thought for a moment, then shook his head. “I think this is fake, Benrey.”

“Maybe it’s fake to you, but it’s real to me.”   


He looked at Gordon.

“ _ You’re _ real to me.”

Gordon woke up with a start, panting. He furrowed his brows. What…  _ was _ that?

“Benrey?” He called out.

No response.

“Benrey. I know you’re here.” Gordon deadpanned. “You were probably watching me in my sleep, weren’t you?”

No response.

“... Benrey?”

Nothing.

“...” Gordon gulped, pulling his pillow close to his chest and hugging it. “... Benrey, please come out. I.. um.. I want to see you.”

“Not because it’s you. But… if you’re here, I’d like to know where.”

“BENREY!” He shouted.

“... Are you actually gone?”

The silence stretched on, answering his question. He sighed and rolled over in bed, shutting his eyes tight and hugging his pillow closer. 

“... Good. Th-that’s exactly what I wanted.”

Somehow, that didn’t feel right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	6. Drunken Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey feels bad, and decides to do something good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// for alcoholism, drinking, and a brief "go kys" moment
> 
> also sorry im not proud of how i wrote this but i. could not get it out in a better way. augh.

Living with Dr. Bubby and Dr. Coomer was pretty alright.

They were a somewhat new couple, but they had their rituals. Bubby would cook breakfast with his pyrokinesis, then he, Coomer, and Benrey would sit and eat at the table. Benrey always stayed on the end of the table, not wanting to get in their way. They mostly just talked to each other, sometimes including Benrey in the conversation.  Another thing they did together, which Benrey found cute, is that Dr. Coomer would infodump wikipedia articles on random stuff, and Bubby would listen intently, or just let him while he did other stuff. Sometimes Bubby would ask for clarification on a word or event, which led Dr. Coomer to more articles. Dr. Coomer’s eyes lit up when Bubby or Benrey took interest, and Benrey felt…  _ genuine _ happiness for the first time in a while.

That happiness had a tinge of bitterness to it, though. Because even though this was great, he was still an outsider. 

It was late one night, about three days after he left Gordon’s. He was on his couch, laying down and staring up at the ceiling-- not bothering with sleeping. 

He scritched his head, feeling the short hairs against the scalp and wincing. He wished he took his helmet with him… and had more than just Gordon’s clothes to live in. It made it hard to really forget about the guy.

“Having trouble sleeping?”

Benrey jolted, sitting up and catching sight of Dr. Coomer, in his PJs with a cup of what appeared to be tea. He waved.

Benrey sighed and nodded. “Yeah…”

“What’s wrong?” Dr. Coomer asked, sitting down next to him.

“...” Benrey shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Oh, so there’s no problem?”

“No! No! I--” He groaned. “There is. It’s Feetman. Fuckin’ idiot.”

“Do you still feel bad about Gordon kicking you out?”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know why, though…”

Dr. Coomer sipped his tea. “...”

Benrey sighed and scratched the back of his neck, needing to fill the silence. “Any idea why I feel this way?”

“Hm…" Dr. Coomer thought. "Benrey, do you mind telling me a little more about what happened when you got kicked out?”

Benerey shrugged. “Sure. Um. Gordon just realized we were all in a video game, right? Oh, by the way, he’s like us now, and--”

“He’s what?!”

“H--” Benrey pinched his brows together. “Okay, so, he had a revelation about all that. And I didn’t really care because why waste time worrying about this shit, y’know? So, he figured out that apparently, the game was  _ supposed _ to end, but since you guys didn’t defeat the  _ real  _ final boss, the uh… game is still going? With Gordon mirroring the player’s personality? And, the, uh, player’s gone now. Anyways-- he told me all that and I said that I didn’t really care and he  _ exploded _ . Which is-- what I wanted, kinda, but when he yelled at me I... felt like shit.”  He rubbed his eyes. “Like, fuckin’-- I dunno! He yelled at me all the time in Black Mesa, so I dunno why it feels bad  _ now _ …”

“What did he say to you?”

Benrey bit his lip, not wanting to recant it. “... He said that… He would never like me. That I never cared about him, and that he was scared of me. He thinks I’m some sort of  _ monster _ \-- like I’m a murderous freak who’ll kill people for fun.”

“Aren’t you, though? You did kill a lot of people.”

“They weren’t  _ real _ , though!” Benrey protested. “I would never-- I would  _ never _ kill a real person! I would never kill you, or Bubby, or Tommy, or  _ Gordon _ , much less Gordon’s  _ kid _ !”

He sighed shakily. “How fucked up would that be, huh? I’m not-- I’m not that  _ bad _ . I’m not bad…”

He glanced up at Dr. Coomer. “Am I bad?”

Dr. Coomer looked off to the side awkwardly. Benrey’s heart sank.

“You did do a lot of mean things, Benrey… like trying to kill us.”

Benrey put his head in his hands.

Dr. Coomer laid a hand on his back. “But I don't think you're evil or anything. Gordon might believe so, however. But don't worry, you can always just become good!"

Benrey snapped to attention, staring at Dr. Coomer. "Become good? How?" 

“By  _ doing _ good.”

Benrey frowned. “H-how would I do that?”

“Well, you could start by apologizing to Gordon.”

Benrey paled. “Wh-- no! I don’t want to apologize to him!”

“Then I suppose you’ll be staying with us forever and never see Gordon again.”

Benrey groaned. “Fine! I’ll say sorry… I  _ guess _ . But, y'know, he might not even... believe me."

"That's up to him, then." Dr. Coomer said. "The important part is apologizing, not how he reacts to it."

Benrey nodded slowly. "Okay... that makes sense. Um. Thanks, Dr. Coomer. You're, uh, pretty smart, I guess."

"Aw, thank you, Benrey!" Dr. Coomer said. "And you're very nice when you want to be."

Benrey flushed, not knowing how to respond to that. He got up and waved goodbye to Dr. Coomer, leaving immediately. Dr. Coomer smiled, understanding that Benrey accepted his compliment. 

\----

Benrey arrived at Gordon’s place, clipping up through the walls until he was outside his window on the little ledge. He landed on solid ground and breathed out slowly.

He could do this.

All he had to do was say _two words_. 'I'm' and 'Sorry'. 

He gagged. Ew. Maybe this would be harder than he thought.

He kneeled down to the window, getting ready to knock, before he saw something that made him freeze. Gordon was inside, drunk off his ass, looking like a mess, with another bottle in his hand. He was watching stuff on the computer, swaying and rubbing his eyes. 

Benrey glanced at the clock. 3 AM. 

“... Gordon?” He whispered, knocking on the window.

Gordon glanced up and yelped, falling back out of his chair and spilling a little beer on his shirt. He coughed harshly, getting back up and glaring at Benrey. “Benrey!??! WHAT THE HELL DO  **YOU** WANT!?”

“...” Benrey furrowed his brows, growing increasingly concerned over Gordon's state. “I want to talk.”

“Fuck off.”

Benrey sighed and clipped through the window, landing on Gordon's carpet. Gordon rolled his eyes. “Typical, not listenin’ to me.”

“Why are you drunk?” Benrey asked bluntly.

“I’m not.” Gordon lied. “I’m only a little drunk.”

“You look wasted. Is this…" He whined, feeling more guilt pool in his stomach. "Because of me?”

“Wh-” Gordon huffed in indignation. “ _ No _ , Benrey, not everzing’s be-cauze of YOU! This-- I--’ve been having  _ bad _ nightmares and  _ bad  _ anxiety ever sinze I left Black Mesa and… I’m not anxious when I have a few of these. And I can pass out easily! I gotta, uh--”

He gestured towards a lamp.

“I gotta sleep with that on now. I don’ like the dark.”

Benrey bit back an insult at how Gordon was afraid of the dark, then sighed. “How many bottles have you had?”

“None’ya biznezz.”

Benrey reached out for the bottle. “I think you’ve had too much--”

“Fuck off.” Gordon yanked it away. “You come in here, uninvited, at midnight, and try to dic-- d--...  _ control _ my life? Again? Haven’t you done _enough_?”

Benrey winced, backing off. “... It’s, um, 3 AM, Gordon.”

“Wha?” Gordon glanced at the clock. “Fuck, I aughta go t’ bed…”

“Gordon, I wanna talk to you first.” Benrey said. He waited a moment before tacking on: “Please.”

Gordon glanced at him, looking him over before sighing exaggeratedly and rolling his eyes. “Okay. Whatever, fine.”

“...” Benrey bit on his lip, thumbing the edges of Gordon’s sweater in his hands. He wanted to say it, he  _ needed _ to, but it felt so wrong, so  _ open _ ... He felt so vulnerable…

He breathed in deeply, using the fact that Gordon would probably be too drunk to remember this as a comfort.

“I. Am sorry.”

Gordon blinked, then narrowed his eyes. “For what?”

“For--” Benrey’s voice cracked.  _ Fucking cringe _ . “Everything. If I had known that you were li-like us-- I never woulda… I never woulda done the things I did in there. I wouldn’t have cut off your arm, or been the final boss, or hurt you. I didn’t know you actually would feel any of it when it was over-- hell, I never knew there  _ was _ life after Black Mesa! I thought you were just a player, having fun and roleplaying a game, but you weren’t.”

He shut his eyes tightly, even though he’d just been staring at the floor. “I’m sorry for that."

He gulped, shame burning in his cheeks. Shit. He quickly tacked on a: _“I guess, or whatever.”_ to lessen the pain of what he’d just said. How fucking stupid did he sound right now? Seriously? Gordon was probably going to laugh his ass off.

Gordon looked surprised for a second, then scowled, bitterness etched across his face.

“I will  _ never  _ forgive you for what you did to me.”

Benrey’s body went cold. 

Before he could repress his feelings, his eyes welled up with tears.

“F-fine--” He choked out, feeling smaller than he ever had. “I didn’t-- I didn’t care anyways!”

“Fuckin’ knew it.” Gordon sneered. “You never did. You’re just fucking with me.”

Benrey frowned, the carpet becoming blearier as his tears threatened to fall. He wiped his eyes. There was noway in  _ hell _ he was going to cry in front of Gordon, he shouldn’t even be crying in the first place! Gordon didn’t matter, he had  _ other _ friends he could be around! Gordon could drink himself to death for all he cared! _Whatever!_

Benrey went back to the window, opening it up to leave before he heard Gordon stumble behind him. He glanced over and saw him sitting on the bed, watching Benrey with a suspenseful, exhausted, look. He swayed slightly, and now that he was in better light, Benrey could just see how fucked up he was.

Benrey wondered how Gordon could get to this point. A few nights ago, he seemed relatively stable, getting _better_ even. Was Benrey that bad of an influence on his life? That him making Gordon angry hurt him this badly?

No, no, this wasn't because of Benrey. He wasn't the center of the universe, oh my _god_. Gordon was already fucked up when Benrey came around. 

But, if that were the case, why did Gordon seem to get better when Benrey was with him?

“You gonna go?” Gordon asked. Benrey stared at him. He was reminded of the first night he came to Gordon's place. Gordon, collapsing on the ground, too tired to even fight, at Benrey's feet. The mere sight of Benrey made Gordon crumple up and break. Benrey felt even _worse_ at that realization. 

It was then he decided he couldn't just _leave_ Gordon like this. If Benrey was the one who fucked him up, he needed to be the one to unfuck him up. Or, at the very least, not let him drink himself to death tonight. Tomorrow night? Whatever. Gordon could do what he wanted, maybe Benrey's absense would help him, but tonight? Benrey was going to do that one good thing.

Benrey sighed, stepping down from the window. “No. I'm not." He walked up to Gordon. " Listen. I don’t fucking care if you forgive me or not, you don’t… you don’t get to do this to yourself, okay?”

He grabbed the beer bottle from his hand and chucked it out the window.

“Hey!--” Gordon protested, cut off as Benrey impulsively held his hands, bringing his attention to him. 

"Gordon, I'm sorry you feel like shit. I'm sorry you're all fucked up and horrible and feel bad because of me, okay? I never-- I-- I thought you weren't like me, okay? I thought you couldn't feel anything that was happening and..." He shook his head. "No, that's-- I'm-- those are excuses, okay? Those--"

He groaned. He was never good with words. 

So, he hugged Gordon. 

It felt weird, holding him close like this. He didn't even have his vest on to pad it, he could just feel his own body against Gordon's warm, sweaty, one. He felt Gordon tense up, but not pull away.

“Listen, man, I’m sorry.”

He sighed out shakily.

“I’m gonna make it up to you. I don’t know how, but I will.”

Gordon swayed in his arms, stunned.

“... I…” Gordon began. “Who are you?”

“Benrey?” Benrey replied, confused. 

“No…” Gordon shook his head. “You-- how are you… like, saying things?”

Benrey frowned. "Is it that hard to believe I can do one nice thing?"

“But you were never like this in… in Black Mesa…”

"Mm..." Benrey trailed off. "... Well, I... you weren't all fucked up back then, so, I didn't need to be nice. A-and I was-- nothing mattered to me, okay? It wasn't real."

He tightened his hold on Gordon. "Not like this. This is real."

Gordon nodded slowly, then patted Benrey on the back. “... Thanks, Benrey.”

Benrey nodded dumbly, unsure what to say now that his emotional bout was wearing off. He let go of Gordon, finally seeing his dumbfounded face. He smiled a little at it, finding it endearing.

“So… how’re you gonna ‘make it up to me’?” Gordon said, putting heavy emphasis on the air quotes. “You-- you can’t, by the way, I’ll never forgive you.”

Benrey sighed. He understood. “I… um… talked to Dr. Coomer, and he said… I could become good. So… I’m gonna try to be good. And, like, help you. I-If you want it. But, not like, all the time, because I don’t actually care--”

“Why?”

Benrey blushed. “Don’t ask.”

“Why?” Gordon repeated smugly.

“Because you’re too stupid to take care of yourself, now shut up.” Benrey scowled, flicking Gordon’s forehead. Gordon winced then chuckled. 

“Okay, Gordon, time for bed.” Benrey said, pushing him towards the bed.

“No!!!” Gordon whined like a toddler, stumbling away from the bed. He knocked against the window and looked out. “... I wanna-- I wanna sit outside and look at th-the city…”

Benrey bit his lip, contemplating. “... Okay, but be careful. I’m comin’ with you.”

He crawled out onto the ledge, taking Gordon with him and keeping an arm on his arm to make sure he didn’t fall off.

Gordon sighed. “‘S pretty.”

Berney nodded. “It is.”

A moment of silence stretched between them before Gordon broke it.

“I still don’t forgive you, y’know.” He lolled his head to the side, looking at Benrey. “And I fuckin’ hate your guts.”

Benrey felt hurt by that. He chose not to respond.

After a moment, Gordon nudged him. “Hey. Did you hear me?”

“I did.” Benrey said.

“M’kay.” Gordon sighed. “... Why’re you… doin’ this?”

“I already told you, it’s because you’re too fuckin’ stupid to care for yourself.” Benrey sneered. “Now fuck off.”

Gordon huffed. “I wish you’d just jump off.”

Benrey’s blood went cold.

“...” 

Benrey groaned loudly and dragged his hands down his face. “Okay! Fine! I’m--” He whimpered, face heating up. “I’m doing this because you  _ deserve  _ it, okay? You deserve someone who’ll take the beer out of your hands, or be with you when you have a nightmare, or get you a new arm, and-- and if that someone isn’t  _ me _ , fine! I’ll find someone else-- but I can’t just  _ leave _ you because I feel…”

He hunched over, embarrassed. “... Guilty.”

“... You what?” Gordon asked, eyes wide.

“I feel  _ guilty!  _ I just told you that inside!" Benrey exclaimed. “Which, by the way, I’ve never fucking felt before! This is all your goddamn fault, y’know? Making me--” He stammered a bit, flailing his hands around before finally throwing them up in the air.  **_“FEEL THINGS!!!_ ** So, I-- I’m doin’ this so I don’t feel guilty! I don’t- uh-  _ like _ you or whatever, I just don’t want to feel like shit anymore!”

Benrey panted, gripping onto the ledge and staring down at the city lights intently, he felt like his face was on fire. Sharing his emotions was  _ so  _ uncomfortable for him, especially towards someone he was  _ supposed _ to hate! Someone he  _ wanted  _ to hate.

Silence stretched on.

Gordon finally spoke.

“Be honezt with me, Benrey. Are you really just doin’ this because you wanna feel better about yourself?”

“...” Benrey glanced at him. Gordon looked very concerned, with a little glint of hope or curiosity in his eyes.

Benrey sighed. Hopefully Gordon wouldn’t remember. 

“No. I… um.” He curled up. “I care about you. Kinda. I, s-somewhat, l-like you. I  _ want  _ to hate you, but I like you. Sorry.”

“...” Gordon nodded slowly, thinking about Benrey’s statement for a long time before he smiled.

“I’m glad.”

“You are?” Benrey asked. “Why?”

“I’d rather you be nice and like me than be mean and hate me… even if I don’t like you yet.”

He yawned and swayed, his head falling against Benrey’s shoulder.

“I’m gonna go to bed now. I feel good.”

He passed out, body losing grip and sliding down. Benrey gasped, catching him and pulling him into his arms.

He smiled to himself.

‘ _ I don’t like you yet.’ _

_ ‘Like you yet.’ _

**_‘yet.’_ **

Benrey hated to admit it, but that seemed like something he could look forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	7. Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey helps Gordon through his hangover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //tw emeto

Gordon woke up the next day with a massive headache. He groaned, opening his eyes and squinting, glancing around as the headache throbbed in his head. Jesus, he must’ve gotten  _ real  _ drunk last night… He was only supposed to only have one glass...

His eyes caught onto something, and he blinked a few times, trying to make out the figure. He saw Benrey, in his old clothes (minus the vest) and helmet, leaning against his kitchen counter and watching Gordon.

“The fuck’re you doing here?” Gordon mumbled.

Benrey raised his brows in surprise. “You’re awake?”

“What--” Gordon cut himself off with a groan, gripping his pounding head. “Ohhh god…”

Benrey walked over and opened the curtains, letting sunlight stream in.

“Benrey.” Gordon whispered. “C’mere.”

Benrey did so, sitting down on the bed. “Hm?”

“I told you to leave.” He hissed. “Why the fuck are you here? Get out.”

Benrey bit his lip, and Gordon could swear he looked  _ hurt _ . “... Fine. But, only after you’re okay.”

“What?” Gordon squinted, rubbing his eyes. He must’ve heard that wrong. “What do you mean?”

“I know humans get fucked up after they’re drunk, right?” Benrey asked. “So, um, when you’re not fucked up, I’ll leave.”

Gordon didn't know how to respond to that.

Benrey held out a hand. “Need help getting up?”

“Who are you?” Gordon asked. 

Benrey sighed. “Damn, is it really that fuckin’ hard to believe I can be  _ nice _ ?”

“Yeah, it is.” Gordon said, taking Benrey’s hand. Benrey helped him up, causing Gordon’s headache to get worse as he cried out and leaned into Benrey. “Fuck…”

“You good?” Benrey asked.

“Headache… f-feel bad…”

Benrey nodded. “Okay, how do you get rid of headaches?”

“Uh…” Gordon shrugged. “Medicine. W-water?”

“Food?” Benrey asked. “Is it true you need to eat before you take medicine?”

“I dunno, I guess… but I just wann-- I--” He gagged. “Sh-shit-- gonna puke--”

Benrey gasped. “Shit, let me--” He tried to pick Gordon up. Gordon stammered and kicked himself out of Benrey’s hold.

“Don’t FUCKING touch me!” He snarled, getting out of bed and swaying a bit. Benrey steadied him, and Gordon yanked himself away from Benrey again before rushing to the bathroom. 

Gordon puked last night's pain out. He didn’t remember when, but Benrey ended up holding back his hair.

Finally, when he had a moment of reprieve, he glanced over at Benrey. Benrey wasn’t looking at him, and his face was scrunched up in disgust. Gordon couldn’t blame him, puke was really gross. 

And yet, he was still holding back his hair.

“... Did the univ-- universe… fuck you up ‘r something?” He asked. “Like, seriously, did someone realize you should be nice then you were nice?”

“No.” Benrey said. “We talked about this last night. Don’t you remember any of it?”

Gordon thought, a few memories coming back to him.

“I remember… you breaking in, me getting angry… I also remember us outside together… and I remember…”

Benrey hugging him, saying something that made Gordon feel weird.

He shook his head. “No, no, that can’t be right.”

“What can’t?”

“I remember--” He chuckled, finding it ridiculous. “You  _ hugging _ me. But that didn’t happen!”

“...” Benrey bit his lip. “It did. We- we hugged. We hugged and you were okay with it and… yeah.”

Gordon furrowed his brows. “What did you say while you hugged me? I remember feeling weird.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Benrey mumbled, getting up. “If you’re done being a cringe ass pukeboy, I made you something.”

“Oh no.” Gordon sighed, heaving himself up and following Benrey into the kitchen. “What kinda shit did you make me?”

Benrey slid a plate with a burnt steak towards him. 

“... Food.”

Gordon stared at it, then rubbed his eyes and stared at it again.

“Am I still dreaming?? What the fuck-- you-- okay, this isn’t breakfast, nor edible, but you made me food? Genuinely? What, is there poison in it?”

“Why would I kill you?” Benrey asked point-blank. 

“‘Cause you hate me, and I hate you.” Gordon deadpanned.

“But then you’d be dead forever.” Benrey stated. “Joshua would be sad. And, um, I wouldn’t…” 

He blushed.

“I wouldn’t be able to make fun of you anymore. I like doing that.”

Gordon blinked, finding his own cheeks dusting pink. This felt so… serious. And domestic… what the fuck was happening?

“Um.” He tapped his fingers on the table, searching for what to say. “... I appreciate that you made me food, Benrey. Sadly, though, steak’s too heavy of a meal for me right now… D- do you wanna order something?”

Benrey shrugged. “Whatever.”

Gordon got out his phone, wincing at the harsh light of the screen. He squinted, opening up his phone app and beginning to dial the nearest take out place. He ordered himself and Benrey some breakfast, then hung up.

“It’ll be here in about… ten minutes.”

Benrey nodded. 

Gordon glanced down at the kitchen table, not really knowing where to look, and noticed things that he hadn’t seen before. There was a bottle of Advil on the table, with a glass of water next to it, and a bag from a convenience store. 

“... Is this for me?” He asked timidly. 

“Well, I’m not the one with a headache, so.” Benrey shrugged, blushing more. “Who d’ya think? Dumbass…”

Gordon grabbed the pill bottle. Benrey grabbed his hand. “Wait--”

Gordon stared up at him. Benrey flushed and let go of his hand. “... Um. You need to eat f-first.”

He opened the fridge and looked for food, then plopped down some yogurt.

“Is this food?”

Gordon nodded, chuckling. “Yes, Benrey, it’s food. Um. But my headache’s really bad, I’d prefer to take some pills now.”

Benrey rolled his eyes and shut the fridge. “Fine. But you better fuckin’ eat that food.”

Gordon nodded, sitting down at the table. “I will.”

He took the pills, then began to eat his yogurt. Benrey watched him intently. Gordon swallowed, feeling a little nervous under his gaze.

“So… what’s in the uh… bag?” He asked.

“Stuff.”

Gordon huffed. “Well,  _ yeah,  _ but what specifically?”

“You have eyes. You can look inside.” Benrey said.

Gordon nodded. That was true. 

He pulled the bag closer to himself and looked inside. In the bag were about five night-lights, all with children’s cartoon themes. 

Gordon started to laugh incredulously, failing to hold back his chuckles. “What th-- you--” He snorted. “What???”

“You, uh, said last night that you had to sleep with the lamp on.” Benrey clarified, pointing to the lamp. “And you didn’t like it. So, I, uh, got you some new, cooler, smaller, lamps, so you don’t have to use the cringe big one.”

Gordon gave him a bemused look. “Okay… uh,  _ thank you _ , but wh--” He pulled out a Power Rangers night light. “Why are they all like this? This is for  _ kids _ !”

“So?” Benrey said back. “Power Rangers are cool. Plus, you  _ are _ a kid.”

“Benrey, I’m 27!”

“27 year old  _ baby _ .” Benrey smirked. “Still scared of the dark~ That’s why night lights are for kids, cause only  _ babies  _ are scared of the dark. Little child.”

Gordon rolled his eyes and looked back in the bag, bursting out laughing as he pulled out a Powerpuff Girls nightlight. “B-benrey!!!” He wheezed. “Fuckin-- POWERPUFF GIRLS!?”

Benrey smiled. “What? C’mon, even a grown man knows that Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles fucking  _ rock _ .”

Gordon wheezed and squeaked out another laugh, slapping his hand against the table and struggling to breathe. “Oh my fucking  _ god _ …”

He slowly came down from his laughing high and wiped his eye. “Man…” he chuckled, looking over the night lights. “Benrey, I really appreciate the thought, but the kids stuff is kinda cring--”

He froze.

Benrey gasped loudly, then broke into a wild grin.

“DID FEETMAN JUST SAY ‘CRINGE’!?!?!?”

“No, no--” Gordon protested, snickering despite himself. “No, I did no--”   


“YOU DID!!!” Benrey beamed, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him excitedly. _“I’M INFECTING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”_

Gordon laughed, snorting occasionally. Benrey began to laugh, too.

“I can’t believe--” Gordon wheezed out, facepalming. “I can’t fucking believe you’ve infected me with your cringe gamer disease.”

Benrey yelped out excitedly and bounced in his chair. _“‘CRINGE GAMER DISEASE!?!?’”_

“That wasn’t--” Gordon buried his head in his hands. “It was _intentional_ that time!”

“EVEN BETTER! Oh my god, oh my god, Feetman’s becoming a true GAMER!!!”

“What  _ is _ it with you and talking like that!?” Gordon asked, still laughing. 

Benrey shrugged. “It makes you lau--” He blushed for a moment, then interrupted himself. “It pisses you off. I like pissing you off. Plus, I, uh, started to do it ironically then it just became unironic.” He gave him a shit-eating grin. “Kinda like you~”

Gordon shook his head and sighed. “Man, I hate you.”

“No you don’t~” Benrey teased. 

Gordon rolled his eyes fondly. 

The doorbell rang and Gordon got up, getting their breakfast and paying the guy before he left. He shut the door and sat back down.

“So, you good now?” Benrey asked.

Gordon looked up. “Huh? Oh, uh, I feel better, sure… Not completely, but I’m fine.”

“‘Kay.” Benrey said, getting up. “Guess I’m out.”

“Wh--” Gordon stammered, grabbing Benrey’s wrist, stopping him from leaving. “Where are you going?”

“Um…” Benrey stared down at his hand. “Coomer and Bubby’s. I’ve been staying with them for a bit, and, you… told me you wanted me to leave.”

He shrugged. “Plus, I really just came back for my stuff, not you.”

“...” Gordon thought. “... O-okay.” He let go of Benrey reluctantly.

Benrey stared at him a moment longer, as if analyzing him, before heading to the window.

“Wait, are you gonna jump out!?” Gordon asked, wide-eyed.

“No? I can clip through to the bottom floor and be fine. Being out the window makes it so I don’t have to exit the building at the bottom floor. I don’t like doors.”

“Oh.” Gordon said. 

Benrey opened the window.

“Wait!” Gordon called. “You, uh, you need to take your portion of breakfast. I can’t, uh, eat all of it.”

Benrey gave him a deadpan expression. “... I don’t  _ need _ to eat. You can just save it for later.”

“You don’t eat?” Gordon asked.

“I don’t  _ need _ to. Or sleep.” Benrey rolled his eyes. “I’m not human, remember?”

“Right…”

Benrey hesitantly turned back to the window.

“Can’t you--” Gordon interrupted  _ again _ . “Can’t you take a little? I’d feel bad if--”

“What’s your deal?” Benrey asked point-blank. “You want me to leave, but you won’t let me. Just tell me what you want to say to me.”

Gordon blushed. “... I, uh…”  He groaned. “Okay. Fine. But, don’t-- don’t take this in a weird way. I hate you, okay? I fucking hate you. But… I want someone… with me.” He bit his lip. “It’s lonely…”

“You can call up one of your friends.” Benrey said, moving to exit through the window.

Gordon grabbed his hand.

“I want  _ you _ ."

Benrey’s eyes flew wide, and his whole face lit up in a blush. Pink orbs threatened to escape him, but he held them back. He stared at Gordon.

Gordon didn’t look him in the eyes, his cheeks red. 

“... B-because… y’know… You’d be the most, um… c-convenient?” Gordon backtracked, letting go of Benrey’s hand. “B-- because I wouldn’t have to spend money on food, and none of my other friends would actually stay over with me… A-and I don’t care if I ruin my relationship with y-you because you’re stupid. And I hate you. I  _ hate _ you, okay? This doesn’t mean I like you. ‘Cause I  _ don’t. _ I just don’t care about you enough to have you around and not  _ care _ if my relationship with you is ruined or whatever because I’m being weird and needy… That’s all.”

Benrey stared at him a moment longer, processing everything Gordon had said to him.

“....”

He smirked, a few pink orbs escaping from the corners of his mouth.

“You  _ want  _ me?”

“Don't--” He scoffed, blush reaching his ears. “Don’t say it like that.”

Benrey smirked warmly. “Hm… I’ll stay. But on one condition. You have to admit you want me here. Just like you did earlier.”

Gordon groaned, getting more flustered. “I hate you.”

“C’mon. I’m gonna leave~”

“...” Gordon sighed. “I… I want you. To-- to be here. Maybe. Sometimes. I might still be fucked up from the beer, I dunno why… it’s you.”

Benrey hopped off the window ledge and patted Gordon’s shoulder. “Because it’s ‘convenient’. Like you said. And, if it makes you feel better, I hate you, too. But I’ll stay since you asked so  _ nicely _ .”

He sat down at the table and picked up some food, eating. “C’mon. Breakfast time.”

Gordon sighed, sitting down opposite him and digging in. He didn’t look up at Benrey for a long while, his face still flushed.

That ‘guilty’ feeling in Benrey’s chest was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	8. Grocery Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey and Gordon go on a trip to the grocery store.

The day from then on was… kind of awkward. Benrey didn’t want to risk pissing off Gordon, so he hardly did or said anything, and Gordon felt weird around Benrey, so he didn’t really interact with him either. They ended up just silently watching Youtube on Gordon’s laptop. Gordon finally found out what an ‘Irate Gamer’ and ‘Angry Video Game Nerd’ were. (He still had no idea why a soldier was mad about them) and Benrey got introduced to a  _ lot _ of new content that Gordon assumed he hadn’t heard of before because he’d never lived anywhere or seen anything before Black Mesa. Benrey really liked Gordon Ramsay’s shows: sometimes cracking jokes along with Ramsay about how stupid the owners were or how disgusting the food looked. He loved it when Gordon laughed at them, but there was always a twinge of discomfort right after.

The next day, Gordon opened up his fridge to make something for himself, and discovered that he had nothing to make breakfast with. All his groceries had either spoiled or been eaten already. 

“Uh oh.” He said.

“What?” Benrey glanced over.

“I’m out of food… I’ll have to go out and buy some.” He frowned, glancing down at his PJs that he’d been wearing for the past three days. “I really don’t want to go out, especially looking like this.”

“Then just change?” Benrey suggested.

“Mmm…” Gordon sneered. 

“What, can’t change your clot--” Benrey began to tease, then cut himself off. He didn’t want to fuck up Gordon again. “Um. You can do it?”

Gordon stared at him. “... Thank… you? I, um, will. Do you mind, um, closing your eyes so I can change?”

Benrey shut his eyes and put his hands over them for good measure. “Sure, but I’ve seen your dick before so…”

“You’ve  _ what _ _!?”_ Gordon shrilled. “WHEN!?”

“Didn’t you remember? When we first met, there was a dick slip in your HEV suit.”

Gordon furrowed his brows. “...  _ That’s _ what you were talking about? Oh my god. Wait-- that’s not possible!”

Benrey snickered. “I know. I’ve never seen your dick. But I can imagine it.”

“Gross.” Gordon chuckled, getting undressed and moving over to his closet. Benrey resisted the urge to peek, failing when he got the  _ tiniest _ glimpse of Gordon’s bare chest, then covering his eyes again. He blushed.

_ Wow _ .  _ What a dad bod.  _ He thought. 

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.” Gordon said. Benrey did so and took a look at his finished outfit. He was wearing a thin sweatshirt and basic jeans with sneakers. It would suffice, Benrey supposed.

“‘Kay, let’s go then.” Benrey said, getting up. 

“You’re not going to change?” Gordon asked.

“Nope.” Benrey said. “I’m wearing this baby 24/7 now that I got it back from you.” He knocked on his helmet for emphasis. 

“Hmmmm…” Gordon narrowed his eyes. “... Okay, but take off your vest. You’d look scary.”

“Scary?” Benrey recoiled. “Uh.” He glanced down at himself. “No? No. I’m not taking it off.”

“Benrey, you could be arrested for impersonating a security guard.”

“But I am a security guard.” 

“Not at-- uh--” Gordon thought. “Whatever grocery store we’re going to!”

“You don’t even know?” Benrey teased.

“Listen, man, this world is being created as we live, I’m sure it’ll just  _ come to me _ in the car.” Gordon huffed. “Take it off and let’s go. I don’t… I don’t have time for arguing today.”

Benrey frowned. As much as he hated it, he shouldn’t push Gordon too hard lest he risk another breakdown. He pulled off his bulletproof vest and folded his arms over his chest. 

“‘Kay? Can we go now? Or am I still scary?”

“Terrifying.” Gordon joked. “But, y’know, just to me. Let’s go.”

Benrey knew that was supposed to be a joke, but it kind of hurt.

They got into the car and Gordon, as he predicted, suddenly knew where the grocery store  _ Simply Fresh  _ was. Honestly, the name kind of sounded fake, but the whole world was so who was he to care? He pulled out of the parking lot and got on the road, putting the radio onto some random station that flickered in and out as he drove.

“This is what you listen to?” Benrey asked. 

“What? Um, no, I uh-- just turned on something random. Go ahead and turn it to whateve-- well.” Gordon thought. “Hm. Yeah, y’know what? Go ahead and turn it to whatever you want. I’m kinda curious to see what your music taste is.”

“Me too.” Benrey said, flicking between channels. He passed by country and indie easily, lingered for a moment on pop, then finally landed on EDM.

“Of course you’d be into Dubstep.” Gordon chuckled. “What did I expect?”

“Hey, c’mon, EDM’s good.” Benrey said. “It’s the shit they play in uh-- in raves. Raves are cool. Not like you’d know.”

“Oh, shut up.” Gordon said fondly.

“What’re  _ you _ into, then, huh? Gordon fuckin-- Lameman.”

“That was weak.”

“I know.” Benrey said. “I think I peaked at Feetman.”

Gordon snorted. “Heh. You did.”

Silence stretched between them.

“... Oh! You asked me my favourite music.” Gordon said, remembering. “Um… I like a bit of everything! And, _yes_ , that  _ includes _ country.”

“Oh.” Benrey said, raising his eyebrows. “Everything, huh? What about-- what about fuckin’, uh, KPOP? Huh? You into KPOP?”

“Why do you even know what that is?” Gordon asked. His eyes went wide and he blinked. “Shit, why do  _ I _ know what that is? Fuck. Um… I dunno! I’ve never listened to any.”

“Damn, guess you don’t like everything then.” Benrey said. “Oh, wait, shit, what about…”

He changed the channels until they were on heavy metal.

“This?”

Gordon listened for a moment, contemplating it, before smiling and nodding. “Sure!”

“Oh, yeah? You gonna, uh, you gonna let your hair out? Fucking headband it? Bet you won’t.”

“Benrey, I'd crash.”

“It’d be real metal if you did, though. Best way to die.”

Gordon laughed at that, making Benrey’s heart skip.

“Okay, sure. I’ll headbang when we get to this stoplight, okay? Uh--”

His hand flinched up to undo his ponytail, but then went back to the wheel as he realized that would be dangerous.

“Oh, I got you.” Benrey said, without thinking, and pulled the hair tie out, releasing Gordon’s curly hair.

Benrey froze.

...

_ Why the fuck did he just do that _ .

“Um.” Gordon glanced at him. “Thank you?”

“Yeah, uh.” Benrey stuttered, quickly putting the hair tie around his thumb and firing it into Gordon’s cheek. “Don’t mention it.”

“Ow.” Gordon winced, braking at the stoplight. “Damn it, now I’m gonna have to fuckin--” 

He leaned down, trying to find the hair tie. Benrey poked him. “Yo, we’re at the stoplight. Headbang.”

“Gimme a second. I have to find this.”

“Just wait ‘til were at the grocery store.”   


“Benrey, stop poking me.”

Benrey smiled, getting ready to poke more, but then hesitated. He sighed and pulled back, feeling guilty  _ again _ . Stupid fucking… feelings. 

Gordon sighed and got up, putting the hair tie around his wrist like a bracelet and driving again, since the stoplight now turned green. Benrey glanced over, blushing when he saw just how  _ nice  _ Gordon looked with his hair down. It was frizzy and curly, bouncing up over his shoulder and framing his face in a wonderful way…

A few pink orbs escaped his mouth and he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth, looking away.  _ What the fuck was that!?! _

“You okay?” Gordon asked. Benrey didn’t dare look. 

“Uh, yeah.” Benrey said.

“Hm. Are you sure? Your face is… oh, it-- are you carsick?”

“Huh?” Benrey mumbled. 

“Whatever.” Gordon huffed, turning his eyes back to the road.

They arrived at the grocery store a few minutes later, Gordon getting out and walking in with Benrey. On the way in, Benrey looked up and saw a security camera. He smirked and made a silly face at it. Gordon glanced over and smiled a little.

“What’re you doin’?”

“Makin’ a face at the security guy.” Benrey answered simply as they walked further into the store. 

“Why’s that? You got something against security?” 

“No. I  _ am _ security.” Benrey said. “Just, I dunno, I uh… Just like to do it? Maybe it’ll give ‘em something to laugh about. Must be boring working here all day.”

Gordon chuckled, grabbing a shopping cart. “Alright, then.”

They walked along the aisles, awkward silence hanging in the air as Gordon did his shopping. Benrey felt weird tagging along, and he could tell Gordon felt the same. Them doing something as casual as grocery shopping together… was oddly domestic? Like they were actually  _ friends _ or something… which, Benrey didn’t know how to feel about that. Were they friends? He wouldn’t mind it, he supposed, but… it would be weird considering their past at Black Mesa.

Gordon was in the same boat. He cast glances back at Benrey occasionally, looking away when Benrey met his eyes. At first, having Benrey around wasn’t weird, it was just something bad that happened to him because the universe decided to screw him over every day. But now, Gordon had made the conscious  _ choice _ to let Benrey into his life. And Benrey… wasn’t even being that annoying. Gordon could tell he was trying not to be, but what Gordon didn’t understand was  _ why? Why  _ be nice to him all of a sudden? Something  _ big _ must have happened that night he was blackout drunk-- and pieces were slowly coming back to him. 

The morning after, he already remembered that Benrey was in his apartment, he himself was angry at him, and then… Benrey was hugging him. He had no idea what he said at the time, and Benrey ignored his question about it, but the moment had been eating Gordon up ever since. 

Then, later in the day, he remembered more. He remembered Benrey saying  _ ‘sorry’ _ (but the rest of the conversation was lost on him), Then, more stuff happened, and then they were on the balcony, watching the city together. Gordon remembered leaning against Benrey... it made him feel weird. 

Today, he remembered more little pieces, but he feared this was all he could gather: Benrey apologized for being mean, _maybe_ , and then kept insulting him afterwards, but for some reason Gordon didn’t mind. On the balcony, Benrey said that Gordon made him _feel_ _things_ (Gordon really hoped he wasn’t referring to _romantic_ feelings or something gross like that) and then… Gordon felt happy. 

Gordon sighed. It was a mystery, and likely would remain one since he doubted Benrey would ever recount the night to him.

“Hey.” Benrey said, startling Gordon out of his thoughts. Gordon glanced over and saw Benrey put some cookies in the cart. “We’re buying these.”

“Benrey, no.” Gordon deadpanned. “I don’t have enough money right now.”

“Then get some.” Benrey said. “Just, uh, steal.”

“I can’t--” Gordon groaned. “No!”   
  
“Okay, I’ll steal.”

“No, sh!” Gordon held up a finger. “You can’t say that here! People will think you’re serious!”   


“I am, though.”

“Benrey!!!”

Benrey smirked. “What? C’mon? You a boot boy or somethin’?”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “ _ No _ , but I do have a healthy fear of the law.”   


“Damn, can’t imagine.” Benrey said, putting another container of cookies in.

“Ah! No!” Gordon said. Taking out the cookies. Benrey put some in, he took them out, Benrey put more in. Gordon groaned and grabbed three boxes of the cookies, slamming them back up on the display and yanking away the cart. 

“Stop!”

Benrey snickered. “Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” Gordon huffed, pushing his cart ahead. Benrey followed him. 

“... I thought you were trying to be nice to me?” Gordon asked. 

Benrey shrugged. “Can’t be nice all the time. C’mon, you know me.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Gordon sighed. “Can’t really get my hopes up…”

Benrey frowned. “I mean, like, I’m-- w-- that was, uh, it was funny annoying, right? Not actually… annoying?”

Gordon furrowed his brows. “What are you  _ talking _ about? Yeah, Benrey, that was fucking annoying.”

“Oh.” Benrey bit his lip. “... ‘Kay, then.”

Gordon contemplated asking him about his sudden shift in behaviour, but let it slip. It probably wouldn’t make sense anyways. 

They kept going, Gordon looking at his list again. Only a few more items, then they would be back home. He could survive a few more minutes with Benrey.

They walked to the freezer aisle, and Benrey just kept following. On the way, he passed by one of those turnstiles with the cars in them and smiled, picking up a small blue corvette, kinda like the one they had that roadtrip in. He smiled and jogged up to Gordon, putting the car on his shoulders and driving it down his arm. 

“Vroooom~” He said. Gordon flinched and stopped, staring at the car. For a second, he looked at Benrey, and Benrey sweat, fearing he would yell, before Gordon laughed fondly, giving Benrey a warm but confused look. Benrey’s favourite.

“What’re you doing?”

“Driving.” Benrey responded simply, driving the car back up his arm. Gordon snickered. 

“What’re you? Five?”

“If I’m five then you’re zero.” Benrey said, putting the car on Gordon’s head. Gordon chuckled again, the car falling off his head. “Noo!!!” Benrey said, putting the car back on his head. “Keep it there.”

Gordon laughed, taking the car off his head. “You’re so  _ fucking _ stupid, oh my god…” He shook his head. Benrey smiled, knowing it was a somewhat fond statement. 

“Oh, well, we can’t all be nerds.” Benrey said, punching his arm. Gordon winced and rubbed his arm, giving him another look.

“Hey, man, I’m not a nerd.” He said, moving along.

“Oh, as if, fuckin’, uh, scientist bitch. Dork.” Benrey teased, following. 

“D--” Gordon laughed. “Dork!?! What, are you, like, a bully from a fucking highschool movie?”

“Uh,” Benrey smirked. “ _ Totally _ , uh--  _ dweeb _ .” He shoved him playfully. “Go do my homework.”

Gordon smiled and nudged him back. “No way!”

“Whatever,  _ dingus. _ ”

“DINGUS!!!” Gordon wheezed. “Ah… stop makin’ me laugh, my face hurts.”

“Never.” Benrey smiled. “You’re gonna, uh, have laugh lines when I’m done with you.”

Gordon, having no retort for that, just weakly pushed against his shoulder and began to put groceries in his cart. Benrey put his car on Gordon’s head again and Gordon kept it up there, making sure it didn’t fall until he looked back down at his list and it went into the cart.

“Oops.” Gordon said, picking it up. “Well, uh, guess that’s the end of this car. Benrey, go put it back, okay?”

“Wha?” Benrey frowned. “Why?”

“‘Cause we’re not buying random toys, okay? I’m unemployed, so, y’know, no extras.”

Benrey huffed. “That’s fuckin’ stupid. What about your kid? Buy it for him!”

“Joshie’s got enough toys. Just put it back.”

Benrey sighed. “...” He smiled. “Hm. Okay. I’ll be right back. Don’t wait up for me, okay? Just-- go back to the car without me.”

“‘Kay.” Gordon said, walking ahead.

Benrey smirked and walked down the aisle, slipping into the bathroom and then clipping into the floor, walking back out into the grocery store.

He grabbed ice cream, cookies, a few more cars, and then stole some money from the cash register, watching Gordon while he did. Gordon left, and a few minutes after, Benrey did too, triggering the alarm. Gordon looked back from the car, confused how the alarm went off with nobody leaving, or the door even opening, before he got his answer.

“Yo.”

Gordon screamed, whirling around and staring at Benrey. He panted and sighed. “Jesus CHRIST, Benrey! Stop scaring me!”

“No.” Benrey said, opening up Gordon’s trunk and putting his goods in. Gordon frowned, then gasped.

“You-- Benrey, we can’t afford that!”

“Uh, yeah we can. Since it was free?”

“Free…?” Gordon furrowed his brows. “D- oh, no, Benrey, you stole those, didn’t you?”

“Yep!” Benrey said proudly. “You’re welcome! And, uh, also got some of  _ this _ .” Benrey flashed the money he stole and smirked.

Gordon whined and facepalmed.

Benrey crossed his arms. “Damn, thought you’d be proud of me. I didn’t get caught, and we got free shit. Don’t be ungrateful.”   


“I’m sorry. It's just…” Gordon scratched the back of his neck. “Stealing?”

“What’s wrong with it!?” Benrey said. “It’s a chain! It’s fine! C’mon, you’re not a boot boy, are you?”

“I’m not.” Gordon said. “Just be careful, ‘kay? And reveal you stole when we’re  _ home _ . C’mon.”

He got in the car. Benrey got in and huffed. “You’re fucking  _ welcome _ , Feetman.”

“Sorry, thank you.” Gordon amended, pulling out and driving home.

The ride was mostly silent. 

Benrey glanced over at Gordon as he drove, going back into his swirling train of thought about this man.  His life was full of contradictions: Gordon was both an asshole and sweet. He was his rival and his friend. He was someone who was real, but now is fake, but is  _ real _ to Benrey, who isn’t real at all. And Benrey… well… Benrey supposed Gordon thought of him as a nuisance, but a good… nuisance? 

Benrey looked out the window again. He had no idea why Gordon kept him around.

He knew what Gordon  _ said _ his reason was: 

_ “ _ _... B-because… y’know… You’d be the most, um… c-convenient?” Gordon backtracked, letting go of Benrey’s hand. “B-- because I wouldn’t have to spend money on food, and none of my other friends would actually stay over with me… A-and I don’t care if I ruin my relationship with y-you because you’re stupid. And I hate you. I hate you, okay? This doesn’t mean I like you. ‘Cause I don’t. I just don’t care about you enough to have you around and not care if my relationship with you is ruined or whatever because I’m being weird and needy… That’s all.” _

Benrey furrowed his brows. At the time, the only lines that really stood out to him were:  _ “It’s convenient?” _ And  _ “I don’t care if I ruin my relationship with you. You’re stupid and I hate you. This doesn't mean I like you.” _

But now… thinking back… what else had Gordon said?

_ “None of my other friends would actually stay over with me.”  _

_ “...because I’m being weird and needy… That’s all.” _

Benrey glanced back at the man in the passenger’s seat. His tired eyes that had seen so much war focused on the road. His hands: one flesh, one metal, gripping the wheel, and his hair, loose and raggedy and very, very, dirty because he hadn’t been taking care of himself…

Did Gordon have no one else to turn to?

Not even himself?

Gordon glanced at Benrey out of the corner of his eye. Benrey looked away, trying to act as if he hadn’t been staring.

Hm.

\----

When they got home, it was a regular day. Benrey helped pack away some stuff, but left most of it to Gordon. He played with his little car for a while, they did their own thing, then watched more TV together until it was time for bed: Gordon on the mattress, and Benrey sleeping on the couch.

Benrey was woken up by the sound of Gordon having another one of his nightmares. He was whimpering, shaking, crying... clearly, it was a traumatic one.

Benrey sighed and got up, kneeling by his bed and watching him for a moment before singing some sweet voice at him: Gold to Brown. Gordon whimpered louder and his eyes popped open as he shot out of bed. Benrey backed up, unsure why his sweet voice didn’t work.

“... Gordon?”

Gordon screamed, pointing his metal arm at him and clenching. Nothing fired, and he panted.

“W--why isn’t-- my…” He stared at his arm. “... B-- wha?”

“You’re not in Black Mesa.” Benrey said. “Your gun arm is gone, too. I, um, stole that one for you.”

“... R-right…” Gordon nodded slowly, watching Benrey like a hawk.

“You good, bro? You, uh, woke me up.”

“... Yeah.” Gordon said. “Definitely. Um.”

Benrey thought back to one of the wikihow articles he looked up a while ago. 

“So… do you want to talk about it?” He asked. 

“I don’t think so.” Gordon sighed. 

“Can you at least tell me what it was about?”

Gordon frowned deeply, tired eyes casting a glance down at Benrey. He sighed, holding his metal arm close to his chest. 

“It was about you.”

Benrey felt his body go cold again, quickly followed by soul-crushing guilt.

“Oh.” 

“... Yeah.” Gordon sighed shakily. “S-sorry, Benrey.”

“Guess, I, um, can’t help you then.” Benrey said, getting up. 

“Guess not.” Gordon shrugged, glancing away for a moment. 

“Well, if it, uh… makes you feel better.” Benrey muttered. “I’m not going to hurt you. You’re, uh… you’re safe. From- from me. I won’t hurt you.”

“... Thank you, Benrey.” Gordon said haltingly, half-believing him.   


“‘Night, Gordon.” Benrey said, heading back to the couch.

“Goodnight, Benrey.” Gordon said, laying down again.

Benrey settled back on the couch, but couldn’t sleep for a long while. 

He just couldn’t shake Gordon’s stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!
> 
> also check out my other hlvrai fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25428655/chapters/61670431


	9. Soda Cans and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon gets scared. Benrey helps him calm down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //tw blood (barely any of it tho)

Their days were slowly forming into a routine.

Benrey and Gordon did their own thing most of the time: but sometimes Gordon would offer for Benrey to come over and watch some TV with him. Benrey appreciated it, thinking of it as progress. Progress towards what… he didn’t know. Maybe friendship? Benrey wasn’t sure he wanted to be friends with Gordon, but he definitely didn’t want to be enemies either…

He didn’t think about it too much, considering Gordon would only ever think of him as a menace.

Gordon had nightmares almost every night, and a good portion of them were because of Benrey. Benrey wanted to help, to comfort Gordon like he used to, but… he couldn’t bring himself to just fuck around like that anymore. He cared too much.

Caring sucked.

In Black Mesa, where he  _ belonged _ , Benrey didn’t care about anything. He just ran around with his friends and goofed off, and that was good enough. He didn’t care if they thought badly of him, he didn’t care if Gordon thought he was annoying or weird-- Gordon was just gonna shut off the game and forget. His friends, too, would forget. Benrey would forget. Because they’d all be logged off, or rather, dead. 

Benrey sighed, leaning against the couch.

“You good?” Gordon asked, glancing over. “We can watch something else if you’re bored.”

“Nah, I’m alright.” Benrey lied, turning his attention back to the computer they were watching stuff on. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“Mm. Kay.” Gordon said. He got up and stretched out. “Well, I’m gonna grab a snack. You want me to grab you anything from the kitchen?”

Benrey shrugged. “Don’t feel like eating. Uh… you got soda?”

“Yeah.” Gordon chuckled. “I knew if you were gonna stay with me, I  _ had _ to get soda. Sorry I didn’t know your favorite kind though…”

He grabbed an orange from the counter and then opened the fridge, getting a Coke.

“Hey, heads up!”

He tossed the Coke to Benrey, who caught it. He brought it down and hummed. “Coke?”

Gordon plopped back down in his seat. “Is that okay?”

Benrey nodded. “S’ good, I guess. My faves, uh, Sprite, by the way.”

“Not Mountain Dew?” Gordon joked.

Benrey rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, how could I forget? I love me some _Mountain Dew: Dorito flavoured_. Hey, while you’re at it, can you get me a fuckin’, uh, gamer chair?”

Gordon snorted. “‘Course.”

Benrey opened up his can and took a long sip. Gordon unpaused the screen.

They stayed like that for a while, binging a season of Kitchen Nightmares with some snide commentary on the side. Gordon got really into his favourite contestant, getting actually mad when they went home. Benrey allowed himself some jibes at Gordon, which Gordon took in good spirits.

After a while, while the next episode was loading, Gordon glanced over to Benrey, playing with the tab of his own soda that he grabbed. “...”

Benrey glanced back at him out of the corner of his eye. Gordon bit his lip and looked away.

“What?” Benrey asked.

“Uh- nothin’.” Gordon said.

“...” Benrey sipped his coke, thinking. He really wanted to know what Gordon thought, but he didn’t want to push him…  _ augh, this sucked… _

“No, uh, tell me.” He finally said, looking at Gordon. 

Gordon sighed. “‘S just, uh… I dunno. I was just thinking to myself how weird this is…”

“Weird?” Benrey quirked an eyebrow. “We’re… just hanging out?”

“I know!” Gordon said. “That’s-- I…” He chuckled, giving Benrey a sheepish look. “We used to hate each other. And now… we’re living together. Fuckin’ crazy, right? I mean, who would’ve thought the asshole who ruined my life would now just be, in my apartment! Hanging out!”

Gordon laughed, turning back to the screen. “I never would have been able to predict it.”

Benrey stared at him for a while before slowly nodding, taking a sip of his soda. “... Yeah, ‘s crazy.”

He gulped, grip tightened around the can and making it crack. He jolted at the noise and got up abruptly, setting down the can. 

“I need to piss. Brb.”

“‘Kay.” Gordon said, letting him go.

Benrey went into the bathroom, turning on the fan and letting out a shaky sigh. He sank to the floor and yanked off his helmet, chucking it at the ground before clawing through his hair, panting.

_ The asshole who ruined my life-- _

He kicked the counter and snarled, feeling rage prickle in him as well as shame and disgust. He’d never felt so strongly before in his life, and he fucking HATED it.

What was Benrey even supposed to say to that? Huh? Was he supposed to  _ laugh  _ along and just  _ agree  _ with Gordon? 

_ ‘Oh, yeah, I know right! How fuckin’ crazy! It’s so crazy how I’m an asshole who ruined your fucking life and now you tolerate me! Barely! How you don’t even want me around--’ _

He growled and dug his claws into the sides of his scalp, blood prickling at the edges. 

Why was Benrey still fucking here? Gordon didn’t want him. Gordon hated him. Gordon had  _ nightmares _ about him…

Benrey's mind went back to that night. The night he came ~~_home_~~ back to Gordon’s apartment and saw what a fucking mess Gordon was. He made a promise that night-- a promise to help him out and make sure he took care of himself. And Gordon  _ wanted _ him back, but…

Maybe he was changing his mind.

He sighed and got up, trying to shake off his emotions and get back that apathy he had in Black Mesa. Maybe then, he wouldn’t feel so torn up inside.

He then took a quick piss (he did actually drink a lot of soda) and then went back to the couch with Gordon. Gordon glanced at him, but didn’t give him any other sort of acknowledgement, turning back to the screen.

Benrey didn’t give him any, either.

A few minutes later, Benrey was done with his third soda can. Instead of just setting it down on the coffee table, he decided he’d try and make it into the trash can across the room. He crunched it in his hand, then did an overarm toss towards the trash can.

Gordon’s eyes caught a quick sight of something round and small flying through the air past him and he screamed, dropping his soda can and falling off the other side of the couch, hiding behind it and putting his arms over his head. 

Benrey stared at him for a moment. Gordon whimpered, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. Benrey slowly kneeled down and picked up Gordon’s soda, placing it safely on the table before leaning over the back of the couch.

“Hey--”

Gordon screamed again, staring up at him with wide eyes before he let out a harsh breath and clutched his chest. “H-- B--... b… wh-- Holy FUCK.”

He whined and laid down, putting his hands over his face. “Hhh…”

Benrey tilted his head then walked over to Gordon, sitting by him.

“... You okay?”

“B- Benrey… this is a stupid qu-question, but where are we?”

“... Your apartment.”

“Okay.” Gordon sighed, then chuckled. “Man, I must be  _ real _ fucked up be-because I thought that soda can was a fucking  _ grenade _ , ah ha…”

“Oh.” Benrey frowned, laying down by him. “Want some, uh, calm down voice?”

“N-no, you-- I can’t--” He sighed deeply. “Is it okay if you um, actually l-leave me alone f-for a bit? You- you  _ also  _ bring up bad memories.”

Benrey scowled, getting up immediately. 

“Fine. Whatever, just-- trying to help.” He muttered, hopping over the couch and laying down on it. He turned back on the TV and waited.

It was 10 minutes before Gordon got back onto the couch, still a bit shaken but mostly okay. He gave Benrey an uncertain and awkward smile. Benrey didn’t look at him.

Gordon furrowed his brows. “You good, man?”

“Yeah.” Benrey spat venomously. “I’m good.”

“... You don’t sound goo--”

“What do you care, Feetman?”

Gordon blinked. “Feetman? Y-- uh--” He frowned. “Okay, something’s wrong. Why are you mad? Is it cause I freaked out? ‘Cause if that’s it, you’re being an asshol--”

_ “FUCK OFF!” _ Benrey shouted, crimson sweet voice attacking Gordon. Gordon swallowed some and coughed, backing up.

“...” He smacked his lips. “That tasted really  _ bitter _ , Benrey. What’s wrong with you?”

Benrey rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Even if I tell you, you won’t care.”

Gordon sat up. “Okay, try me.”

“...” Benrey groaned loudly. “Fine. I just--” He white-knuckled the couch, rage bubbling up inside him. “I just think it’s funny how I, like, am being all nice to you and shit, but you’re not nice to me back??? Like, you said you wanted me here, but you’re just an  _ asshole _ .”

Gordon blinked, then gave Benrey a deadpan look. “Benrey, I am being  _ very _ nice by even allowing you into my  _ house _ . I don’t have to be a kiss-ass to you, especially after all the shit  _ you’ve _ caused--”

**_“OH!?”_ ** Benrey shouted.  **_“_ ** _ ALL THE SHIT  _ **_I’VE_ ** _ CAUSED, HUH?!” _

Gordon crossed his arms. “Yeah. Y’know, like fucking me up mentally? Black Mesa? My  _ arm _ ? That ring any fuckin’ bells!?!?”

Benrey fumed, crimson sweet voice dripping from his maw. The anger, boiling in his gut, exploded out of him in a furious shout:

**“FUCK YOU, GORDON!”** He screamed. **“** **_IT WASN’T JUST ME!_ ** **BLACK MESA WAS FUCKED FROM THE** **_START_ ** **AND YOU KNOW IT! THE ALIENS, THE MILITARY, THE GUNS-- THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT FUCKED YOU UP!”**

Gordon recoiled. “Y--”

**“AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? HUH?”** He continued, getting closer to Gordon and grabbing him by the shirt, claws ripping through. **“ME** ** _AND_** **BUBBY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR CUTTING OFF YOUR ARM! BUT, OH, YOU FUCKING FORGAVE HIM** ** _INSTANTLY_** **! BUT ME? I DON’T GET THAT, CAUSE I'M JUST** ** _THE ASSHOLE WHO RUINED YOUR LIFE_** **, ISN’T THAT RIGHT!?!??!”**

Gordon gulped. “B-Benrey--”

**“I GET IT!”** Barney barked out, an exasperated chuckle hanging off the edge of his words. **“I WAS THE FINAL BOSS. I TORMENTED YOU, I ANNOYED YOU, I’M ONE OF THE REASONS YOU’RE FUCKED UP, BUT IT’S NOT** **_ALL_ ** **ME! AN- and…”**

His trembling hands slowly loosened their grip on Gordon’s shirt. His teeth ground together as his face screwed up tight before a sob snuck through and twisted his face into despair. He choked on his sobs, spitting out dark blue sweet voice.  He sat back, wrapping his arms around himself.

“And I didn’t… I didn’t know you  _ felt _ it.” He murmured. “You  _ know  _ that. You-- you didn’t even feel it at the time, you weren’t like me, Gordon, you could’ve left the game at  _ any _ time, or, hell, restarted it! But you kept going…”

He buried his head in his hands. “And I know you felt it now. I know you did-- but how was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to care about how you felt if you weren’t even real? W-when none of this… none of this was real.”

He sighed. 

“... I thought that when you finished the game, I would die. So, I decided to be the final boss in hopes of stalling you.  _ Is that so bad? _ Wanting to-- wanting to fucking live for a bit? Have some fun before you get reset or shut off forever?”

He hiccuped, actual tears forming in his eyes. He’d never felt so intensely before. And it was all Gordon’s fault.

Silence stretched between them, and Benrey didn’t dare look up at Gordon’s face. Eventually, though, Gordon paused the TV. Benrey heard some shuffling before he felt a warm, strong, hand on his knee.

“... Benrey, I um…” Gordon trailed off, choosing his words carefully. “... You’re right. I shouldn’t be so hard on you and so soft on the others. Bubby was just as much of an ass as you, I just…”

He sighed. “Bubby didn’t show up unannounced and make me have a breakdown, y’know?”

Benrey’s eyes widened and he glared up at Gordon, crimson spurting from his grit teeth.  **_“You--”_ **

“Not done.” Gordon shushed gently. “ **But** , I can tell you’re making an effort. Why? I can’t say. But… you’re definitely trying to be nice to me and you-- well-- you make… life better. A-a little. Now.” 

He blushed. 

“... But, even then, I’m never gonna forgive you, or, maybe the others, too, for what they and you did in Black Mesa. Even if it wasn’t ‘real’, or I didn’t feel it… it still affected me and I-I can’t just let that go.”

Benrey sighed sadly, putting his head down again. 

“... I know.”

“But I can look past it.” Gordon said, resting a hand on Benrey’s shoulder. Benrey’s head shot up again, meeting Gordon’s eyes. Gordon gave him a nervous, but hopeful, smile.

“But only if you really are… y’know. Better. And, uh, I guess I gotta get better too.”

He squeezed his shoulder. “Thank you, Benrey. For being here for me. I do  _ honestly  _ appreciate it. And I appreciate your efforts in not pissing me off, either. Lord knows that’s the last thing either of us need.”

Benrey stared at him for a long while before his gaze softened and he leaned into Gordon’s touch, looking away from him. “... It’s just hard. I’ve never felt like this before you.”

Gordon raised his brows. “... Like what?”

“Like anything.” Benrey mumbled. “I never knew I could get so…  _ angry _ . Or care so much. You-- you ruin me, man.”  He sighed. “But… I-- I also feel…  _ good _ . Sometimes. Wh- when I--”

He brushed off Gordon’s hand. “Actually, fuck this. I’m-- I’m cutting the sappy shit. Nope.”

Gordon chuckled. “Aw, c’mon, we were just getting to the best part!”

“Shut.” Benrey mumbled.

“Mm.” Gordon sat back. “... You, um.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, if it makes you feel better: I got something sappy to say, too. You, uh, you make me feel less lonely… and I kinda feel, uh, like that a lot. So thank you, man.”

Benrey glanced at him. “... Even though I’m ‘the asshole who ruined your life’?”

Gordon frowned. “... Well, I guess you’re not  _ that _ much of an asshole anymore. And, you’re right, it wasn’t  _ just _ you who ruined it.”

Benrey chuckled, then sighed and turned back to the laptop.

“Can we just go back to watchin’ TV now? I’m, uh--”

“Yes.” Gordon interrupted. “And, don’t worry, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Cool.” Benrey said, a soft smile on his lips as Gordon hit the space bar.

\----

That night, Gordon had another nightmare. He was twisting and turning in bed, clawing at the sheets and flexing his right arm instinctively.

Benrey walked over to the side of his bed, kneeling down. He attempted his sweet voice again: gold to brown. Once again, it didn’t work, and Gordon shot out of bed. Benrey flinched when Gordon screamed at him and pointed his arm, trying to fire.

Benrey sighed and got up. “Another nightmare ‘bout me?”

Gordon stared up at him for a moment before it seemed to click in his head that he was past Black Mesa. He sighed shakily and nodded.

“Guess I can’t help you, then.” Benrey said, turning to leave.

“W-wait.”

Benrey turned back to him. Gordon looked sheepish, hugging his pillow to his chest. 

“... You can help me.”

Benrey’s eyes widened. “But--”

“J-just come here.”

Benrey nodded and sat down at the edge of the bed. Gordon glanced up at him, waiting for him to do something. Benrey paled, realizing he never got that far in the Wikihow article.

“Uh, just lay down, bro.” Benrey said, gently guiding Gordon. Gordon did as he said and hugged his pillow tighter, still shaken.

“... You want some good, uh, calm voice?” Benrey asked. “Promise no cocoon unless you give me permission.”

Gordon nodded. “S-sure.”

Benrey opened his mouth and began to sing: the gold to brown sweet voice gently floating out, working together with his wonderful melody to put Gordon at ease.

Gordon watched the sweet voice fly around the room, dancing along his ceiling like fireflies. He smiled, calming down, and reached out to touch one. He barely grazed a golden ball, before it popped and splashed on his face.

Benrey laughed, interrupting the flow of the voice. Gordon looked over at him for a moment in silence before he began to laugh, too. 

Eventually, they both calmed down, laying happily next to each other.

Gordon looked away from Benrey sheepishly, a faint red dusting his cheeks.

“... Hey, um, Benrey?”

“Yeah?”

Gordon bit his lip, his mechanical arm twitching anxiously before it gently grazed Benrey’s hand, and placed it on top of his.

Benrey blushed bright pink, staring down at their hands.

“Thank you.” Gordon murmured, giving Benrey’s hand an unsure squeeze, not fully holding it, before he let go entirely. 

Benrey stared at him, even if Gordon was facing away. Slowly, he felt a warm feeling flutter in his chest, and he smiled.

“Y-you’re welcome.” He said, a few pink orbs coming out with his words.

Gordon glanced back at him and returned the smile.

They laid there, the silence filling the room, but not quite as awkward as before. Gordon eventually laid on his side, and pulled his pillow under his head.

“Goodnight, Benrey.”

“Oh.” Benrey said dumbly, sitting up. “Goodnight, Gordon.”

Gordon gave him another warm smile before shutting his eyes.

Benrey stayed there for a moment, just watching Gordon, before he got up and headed back to the couch.

Gordon slept peacefully throughout the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you enjoyed!!!


	10. Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy invites the Science Team over for a party at his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings! this is just fluff, babyyyyyy. also this is long as FUCK whoa
> 
> disclaimer: i have no idea how poker works and i did zero research lol

The next day, things were calm. Gordon woke up, made breakfast for himself and Benrey, they ate together, talking about whatever random topics popped into their heads. Gordon found that Benrey had a hard time staying on one train of thought, but that was fine. He could keep up. Benrey seemed to appreciate that.

It was about 11 in the morning when Gordon’s phone buzzed while he was on the couch. He checked it, seeing a text from an unknown number.

_ ‘Hi, Mr. Freeman! It’s me, Tommy!’ _

Gordon’s eyes widened and he texted back.

_ ‘Tommy??? How did you get my phone number?’ _

_ ‘Looked you up in a phone book :) Anyways, how are you?’ _

Gordon furrowed his brows. Was that even possible? For his cell phon-- whatever. If the universe wanted them to text, so be it.

_ ‘I’m good, surprisingly. I’m back home, got that damn suit off, and I’m going in for an interview tomorrow. How about you?’ _

_ ‘That’s nice! And I’m good, too, Mr. Freeman. My dad got me a nice place to live in with Sunkist and I’ve been making new friends since I’ve gotten out of Black Mesa. _

_ Actually… I was wondering if maybe you’d want to come over? I’m inviting the whole science team! I miss you guys :(‘ _

Gordon smiled to himself. 

_ ‘I’d love to come over. When is it?’ _

_ ‘Today at 6. Night party :) Bring snacks please.’ _

_ ‘Will do.’ _

“Who ‘ya texting?” Benrey asked, leaning over the couch and looking over Gordon’s shoulder. Gordon looked back at him and smiled.

“Tommy! He’s having a party tonight with the whole team.”

Benrey frowned. “Why… didn’t I get an invite?”

“Uh.” Gordon thought. “Maybe he’s gonna text you next? Hold on.”

_ ‘Hey, Tommy, is Benrey coming, too?’ _

_ ‘Isn’t he dead?’ _

“He thinks you’re dead.” Gordon said. Benrey huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Well, tell him that I’m not.”

“‘Kay.” Gordon said.

_ ‘Nope. He’s actually living with me. He wants to know if he can come.’ _

_ ‘Sure! But tell him that he can’t be mean at the party. I know he stressed you out a lot in Black Mesa, so…’ _

_ ‘He’ll be fine. And thanks for looking out for me anyways. :-)’ _

_ ‘No problem. :D’ _

“You can come.” Gordon said, looking up at Benrey. Benrey smiled. 

“Sweet.”

Tommy texted Gordon his address, and Gordon thanked him, saving it for later.

\---

It was now 4:54 PM. Gordon had put on some decent looking clothes and was heading for the door.

“Yo, where you going?” Benrey asked. “Party’s in, like, an hour?”

Gordon grabbed his keys. “I’m going on a snack run. Tommy said to bring snacks. You, uh, want anything?”

Benrey’s eyes sparkled at the thought of good snacks, before he started thinking about what he wanted. “Hm… How about... hm…”

“Make a decision, man.”

“Fuckin’, uh, Lays. I like Lays.” Benrey said.

Gordon chuckled. “Seriously? That’s so  _ bland _ .”

“Damn, fine, hot cheetos. Extra spicy.”

Gordon nodded. “‘Kay, got it. And I’ll get some sprite, too. Or… should I get beer…?”

“Sprite.” Benrey said, scratching under his helmet. “Tommy loves soda.”

Gordon nodded. That was true. 

He slipped on some shoes and went to open the door, before he heard Benrey grunt in pain. He looked back at him and saw that Benrey had both hands under his helmet, scratching incessantly.

“Benrey? You okay?”

“Fuckin’--” Benrey grunted. “Helmet’s too tight… feels bad.”

“Then take it off?”

“Noooo! I need a hat.” Benrey argued. “Just-- this one’s so FUCKIN’ tight and, and OLD and ARGH!”

He scratched some more before groaning and chucking the helmet, ruffling up his slowly growing out hair and sighing. “... Whatever.”

“Hm.” Gordon hummed to himself. He turned and left.

\---

It was 5:09 when Gordon came back, a bag in one hand, and his other hand hidden behind his back.

“I’m hooome~” He called.

“Yo.” Benrey greeted from the kitchen. He put down a dirty plate next to the sink and sat back on the couch. “Lemme see the goods.”

“We’re gonna eat them at the  _ party _ , Benrey. Also, wash that dish.”

“You’re the one who washes the dishes, bro.” Benrey said. 

Gordon set down the bag on the table. “Alright, but I really think if you’re not paying rent--”

“I’ve been getting us food!”

“You’ve been  _ stealing _ us food.” Gordon corrected. “And if you won’t pay rent or get a job, you gotta do the chores.”

“Blugh.” Benrey groaned. “No.”

“I’ll give you something if you do~” Gordon smirked.

That caught Benrey’s attention. He looked up at Gordon curiously.

Gordon brought out his hand from behind his back, showing off a gray beanie. 

Benrey gasped loudly, sitting up and staring at it with starry eyes before he glanced at Gordon. “For… me?”

“Yeah.” Gordon smiled. “I, uh, figured… since I was already out… and your helmet was buggin’ you…”

“Bro…” Benrey smiled, genuinely grateful. It made Gordon’s stomach flip for a reason he didn’t understand. Gordon blushed and hid it behind his back again.

“But you’ll never get it if you don’t do the chores. It’s still got the tags on, y’know. I can return it.”

“OH!” Benrey scoffed, offended. “Damn, low blow… Fine, whatever.” He said, hopping off the couch and putting his dish in the sink. He glanced back at Gordon, then turned on the water and gestured, showing that he was, indeed, doing chores.

Gordon chuckled and tossed the beanie to him. “Thank you, Benrey.”

Benrey caught it and took off his helmet, pulling on the nice beanie instead. He practically purred, low sweet voice trailing out of his mouth and floating towards the ceiling. Lavender to pastel pink.  _ (Lavender, to a pink that’s rosy… means I’m feeling cozy!) _

Gordon walked over to where he was, watching the sweet orbs bubble around his kitchen while he grabbed himself a snack from the fridge. Benrey looked over at him, and Gordon looked back.

“... Does it look good?” Benrey asked him.

“Yeah.” Gordon said easily. “You look good.”

Benrey’s eyebrows raised a bit and some pink sweet voice burst out, messy and startled. Gordon took a second to get what he was surprised about, but once he got it, he flushed the same pink.

“Um.” He gulped. “W… Well, I mean, it looks good  _ on _ you. And, uh, it suits you. So, yeah. Uh--”

He shut the fridge door, heading back to the couch. “Looks, uh, nice.”

Benrey turned back to the dishes. “... Thanks.” He mumbled, the pink still bubbling out of him.

\---

At 6PM, they arrived at Tommy’s home. Tommy’s house wasn’t that big, but it was definitely enough for a party. There was one sleek black car parked outside of the house, which Gordon assumed was Mr. Coolatta… and another one that was yellow. Definitely Tommy’s. 

“Huh, guess we’re the first here.” Gordon said. “Nice house.”

“Yeah.” Benrey said, grabbing the soda. “Let’s go.”

Gordon nodded and grabbed the chips, following Benrey up to the front door. Benrey knocked, then rang the doorbell twice. Gordon yanked his hand away and scolded him. Benrey chuckled in response.

Tommy opened up the door a moment later, and smiled. “Hi!!!”

“Tommy!~” Benrey called, scooping Tommy’s slender frame up in his big arms. Tommy giggled and hugged back to the best of his ability. 

“Hi, Benrey!”   


Benrey let out a long drawn out fuschia note then dropped him. Tommy laughed. “Nice to see you, too.” 

He turned to Gordon. “Hi, Mr. Freeman!”

“Hi, Tommy.” Gordon smiled. “We, uh, brought snacks.” He raised his bag a bit for emphasis.

“Oh, nice!” Tommy smiled.

“Yo, you aren’t gonna give your best bro a hug?” Benrey asked, elbowing Gordon. Gordon gave him a miffed side glance.

“Oh.” Tommy opened his arms. “Well, I like hugs!”

Gordon smiled and hugged him, happy now that Benrey said something. He squeezed tight before letting Tommy go and lead them inside. 

Inside of Tommy’s house was nice. The ceilings were high, there were some expensive knick-knacks around, and a generously sized TV. Beside them was the kitchen, with some soda and snacks already on it. Gordon and Benrey joined their snacks with the others.

Dr. Coomer and Bubby were lounging on the couch with Sunkist. Sunkist, who was now a fully formed dog, rolled over on Dr. Coomer’s lap as he cooed to her. Bubby heard them come in and looked back at them. He waved.

“Hey, losers! Took ‘ya long enough!”

Gordon furrowed his brows. “It’s 6. Exactly on time.”

Bubby rolled his eyes at him. Dr. Coomer looked up and waved back.

“Hello, Gordon! And Benrey! Come join us on the couch, we’re watching some dramatic TV!”

“Dramatic TV?” Gordon furrowed his brows, sitting down by Dr. Coomer. Benrey sat next to Gordon. Tommy sat by Benrey. 

Gordon looked at the screen, and saw that the TV channel was indeed turned to a drama. He was never really fond of those, but then again, he enjoyed reality TV trash, so it couldn’t be much different.

“So, how have you two been doing?” Gordon asked, looking over at Dr. Coomer and Bubby. 

“Just splendid!” Dr. Coomer informed. He held Bubby’s hand. “We’re very happy together in our new home!”

Gordon gaped. “Wait, wait, together? Are you two…”

“Dating? Yes.” Dr. Coomer beamed.

“Jealous?” Bubby taunted.

Gordon smiled. “No, not at all! I’m happy for you guys!”

“Aw, thank you.” Dr. Coomer said. “How are  _ you two _ doing, though?”

Benrey's eyes widened. Gordon tilted his head in confusion. “Huh?”

“Well… when you kicked Benrey out, he came to live with us for a short while--”

Benrey shot out a loud, ear-splitting sweet voice. Everyone cringed and covered their ears.

“Benrey!” Gordon hissed. “The fuck!”

Benrey didn’t respond. 

Dr. Coomer cleared his throat. “Alright, then. Just tell me: are you two getting along?”

Benrey glanced at Gordon. Gordon supposed it was up to him to answer that.

“I… think we’re starting to.” Gordon said. “Except for a few bad moments, like that  _ horrible screech _ ,” He glared at Benrey. “We’ve been doing fine.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Dr. Coomer clapped. “Now we’re  _ all _ friends!”

“Uh.” Gordon stammered, glancing back at Benrey. Benrey stared at him. 

Were they friends?

Gordon didn’t think he could easily call Benrey a friend, and he was sure it would be  _ weird _ to be friends with the guy who ruined y--

…

To be friends with one of the  _ factors _ that ruined your life. 

Right, Gordon, he didn’t fuck it all up. And, well, he was trying to make amends. Gordon would be lying if he said didn’t enjoy Benrey’s company most of the time. He wouldn’t consider them  _ friends _ … but they weren’t  _ not friends _ , either.

Halfway friends. 

“So, what’re we doin’?” Bubby asked. “Movie?”

“If you want.” Tommy said. “I also have cards.”

“Nice.” Bubby smiled. “I’m about to wreck  _ all of you _ in Poker.”

Tommy smirked, getting up and grabbing a deck. “Oh, yeah? I doubt that.”

Bubby narrowed his eyes. “Why’s that?”

“‘Cause  _ I’m _ the best at poker!” Tommy declared, moving to the table. “Get ready to have your ass handed to you, Bubby!”

Bubby grinned, competition ignited in him as he slid into the chair next to Tommy. Tommy pushed him away with his foot. “No cheating~”

“WHA--” Bubby exclaimed, offended. “CHEATING!? I NEVER CHEAT!”

The rest of the science team sat down at the table as Tommy and Bubby bickered. Coomer was next to Bubby, Benrey next to Tommy, and Gordon between Dr. Coomer and Benrey. 

They all settled down and began their game of Poker. Benrey was new to the game, so Dr. Coomer read off the Wikipedia article for Poker verbatim until Gordon told him that he could just explain it to him as they went along. 

At some point in the game, Tommy got a text from Darnold. Apparently, Darnold couldn’t come because he was ‘busy.’ Tommy theorized that he just didn’t like groups, though. 

Tommy ended up winning Poker, with Benrey in a close second somehow. Gordon was in dead last. 

“What the fuck…” Gordon buried his head in his hands. 

_ “HA!” _ Tommy cheered. “I win!”

“Fuck you!” Bubby hissed. “Let’s play another one!”

“Can we play a simpler game?” Benrey asked. “This one was hard.”

“You nearly won!” Gordon exclaimed exasperatedly. 

Benrey smirked. “Yeah, I know."

Gordon smirked back and pulled his beanie over his eyes as retaliation. Benrey sputtered for a moment before pulling it back up and stealing Gordon’s glasses.

“Hey!” Gordon griped, trying to get them back.

_ “WHOAAA.” _ Benrey looked around the room with his glasses exaggeratedly.  _ “GORDON BLINDMAN!!! CAN’T SEE SHITTTTTT--” _

Gordon snatched back his glasses and laughed. “Oh, shut it!”

“No.” Benrey stuck out his tongue. Gordon stuck his out back at him.

“Are you two five?” Bubby sneered. 

Gordon blushed and sat back in his seat. “Uh-”

“Yeah.” Benrey said. “I’m five and I beat you at poker. Loser.”

Bubby screeched, fire erupting from him. 

“Oookay, new game!” Tommy said. “What should we play?”

“Slapjack!” Bubby announced. “Easy game, and I’m good at it!”

“Yes!” Dr. Coomer agreed. “I love Slapjack! It’s just like in the ring!”

“How?” Gordon asked.

“You hit people!”

Gordon’s eyebrows raised. “Uh-”

“I think it sounds fun.” Tommy said, dealing out cards.

They played Slapjack for about three minutes before it got out of hand. Benrey kept using his claws, Tommy had the ability to manipulate time and could see faster because of the soda, Bubby kept making his hand  _ just hot enough _ to lightly burn everybody else without actually lighting it on fire, Dr. Coomer had his inhuman strength, and Gordon used his heavy robot arm to crush everybody’s knuckles.

“I think we should stop…” Tommy whimpered, rubbing his bruised knuckles. “I have light burning, and my knuckles feel weird.”

“Pussy.” Bubby taunted. Tommy glared at him, eyes flashing yellow.

Gordon inspected his prosthetic, seeing a few scratches in its surface. “Yeah… we should stop. Maybe watch a movie to calm down?”

“I don’t need to calm down.” Bubby crossed his arms. “But,  _ fine _ , we can watch a movie ‘cause you’re all too chicken to play Slapjack right.”

“You don’t hurt people in Slapjack!” Gordon argued.

Dr. Coomer smiled at him. “Whatever you say, Dr. Pussy!”

Gordon grumbled to himself before getting up and moving to the couch where everyone had gathered. He and Benrey sat next to each other, a bit squished in considering there were three grown men and a massive dog on the couch with them. 

Benrey’s knee touched Gordon’s, and Gordon huffed. “Dude, can you, like, move your leg a little? Cross ‘em?”

“I got a better idea.” Benrey smirked, pulling his leg up and then throwing it over Gordon’s. Gordon huffed and repositioned so his leg was on top. Benrey then threw both legs over his lap and leaned back against the arm rest, getting comfortable. Gordon chuckled and shoved his legs off, and in response Benrey just put them back on.

“Gordon and Benrey, please settle down.” Dr. Coomer said, the unlucky man who was sitting next to that whole debacle.

Gordon flushed and immediately straightened out. “S-sorry.”

Benrey barked out a laugh and laid his feet across Gordon’s lap again. Gordon rolled his eyes and sighed, focusing on the TV screen.

Tommy had turned on a movie that Gordon hadn’t seen before, and he missed the title because he was too busy playing around with Benrey. It looked… surprisingly mature. Not that he expected Tommy to put on fucking  _ Barney _ or something but it was still hard to grasp that Tommy was almost a decade older than him.

_ God _ , he really was one of the youngest people here, wasn’t he? He had no idea how old Benrey was, or if Benrey even knew, but that realization just made him feel worse about his previous behaviour. He was a  _ grown _ man, damnit, he couldn’t be playing around with Benrey like that. It was just… something about Benrey made him  _ want  _ to do stupid shit. It was like an  _ aura _ of stupidity. When Gordon was alone, he was fine, but if Benrey was around, he just wanted to goof off.

Gordon sighed, putting his chin in his hand and resting it on Benrey’s leg without realizing. Whatever. It didn’t mean anything, he didn’t know why he was thinking about it so hard.

Benrey moved his leg around in retaliation and Gordon slipped, his head almost bonking into Benrey’s foot. He huffed, but couldn’t help the smile on his face as he yanked Benrey up so he was sitting. Benrey snickered and shoved him, and Gordon accidentally bumped into Dr. Coomer. 

Dr. Coomer gave him a look, and Gordon sweat, hoping that his embarrassed expression was enough of an apology. 

Dr. Coomer glanced between Benrey and Gordon, smiled a little, and turned back to the TV.

Gordon furrowed his brows. Huh. Weird. But whatever.

Most of the movie went by with little to no fanfare. At some point Tommy got up to make popcorn, and Bubby offered to help.

He set the bag on fire.

After  _ that  _ mess was taken care of, Tommy heated up a new bag in the microwave properly and brought back a big bowl of popcorn that was passed around as they watched. 

Gordon had it in his lap now, chowing down. Benrey scooted it a little towards him, and without looking away from the screen, Gordon reached down to the bowl.

He felt a hand brush against his.

His attention snapped to Benrey, and Benrey was already staring at him. Gordon and Benrey both moved their hands back, letting out awkward chuckles before trying again. 

They touched hands again.

Gordon snorted and pulled back his hand for a second before Benrey also dove in. It was like when two people were in a hallway, and they couldn’t pass each other. Their giggling got louder and Gordon laughed when Benrey finally just grabbed his hand, yanked it away from the bowl, and dove his other hand in to grab the popcorn.

“Can I have the popcorn?” Tommy whispered from across the couch. Gordon looked over and nodded, sliding it his way. He also noticed Dr. Coomer had a little sparkle in his eye, and Bubby was giving them a distasteful look.

“Dumb idiot.” Benrey whispered. “Can’t even gab popcorn good, wow.”

Gordon snorted. “Shut up!” He whispered back.

Benrey let out a chuckle, a small amount of sweet voice bubbling out, before he turned back to the screen.

\---

After the movie, it was getting late, so Dr. Coomer and Bubby had headed home. Apparently, the reason that there wasn’t a car outside before was that Bubby  _ was _ the car. And Coomer hitched a ride in him.

Gordon didn’t want to think too hard about that.

So now it was just Tommy, Benrey, and him. Gordon was getting tired, so he was gonna leave soon. He definitely didn’t want to overstay his welcome.

They were playing cards when Benrey announced bluntly that he had to go piss, and left for the bathroom.

After he had left, Gordon set down one of his hands. When Tommy didn’t play something back, he looked up at him. Tommy was smiling, a glint in his eye.

“Sooo…” Tommy drawled out. “You and Benrey?”

“What?” Gordon blinked.

“Living together? How is it?” Tommy asked innocently.

Gordon laughed nervously. “Uh… it’s… well, it’s weird. But we’re getting along fine, I think. I mean…” 

He spared a glance at the hallway where Benrey had left them. “... It’s still weird, being friends with the guy who was… uh… partially responsible for this--”

He waved his prosthetic.

“But, he’s also being really nice?”

He sighed.

“I dunno. He’s making an effort to be good to me, he even  _ got _ me this new arm… and I think I’m warming up to him, but I don’t wanna, like, be too sudden or… forgive him.”

Tommy nodded. “That’s nice! I’m glad you two are getting along. Well, mostly.” 

Gordon nodded back, mind drifting before he spoke again.

“Actually… can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” Tommy set down a card.

“What does, uh, pink mean?”

Tommy furrowed his brows and looked up at him. “Huh?”

“Pink. Sweet voice?” Gordon asked. “Like, sometimes, Benrey will randomly shoot out pink sweet voice, and it’s all messy and weird... Like he didn’t mean to do it, kind of? He did it earlier, and, I just-- what does it mean?”

“Was it  _ just _ pink? And what kind?”

“Man, I dunno!” Gordon threw his hands up. “Fuckin--  _ just _ pink, and a light pink? But not pastel?”

“Ooh…” Tommy thought for a moment before he raised his brows, eyes widening.

“What?” Gordon asked, put off by his expression. “What does it translate to?”

“Nothing, really.” Tommy said, looking down at his cards. “But, uh, if he’s shooting it out, and it’s messy and pink… and it was an accident… I’d say that’s basically his way of, uh, blushing?”

Gordon blushed. “What?”

“It just means he’s flustered, or embarrassed, or… something? Sometimes, it-- it can mean he’s in love! But, y’know.” He shrugged. “Lots of meanings.”

_ In love?  _ Gordon frowned. He shook his head. No, no, that was just  _ one _ definition, it could also mean embarrassed, or flustered… people blushed for a lot of reasons!

“Yoooo.” Benrey announced, walking back in. Gordon startled and stared at him. Tommy smiled and greeted him easily.

“Hello!”

Benrey sat down and picked back up his cards. “Soo… who’s winning now?”

“Me!” Tommy smiled. “I’m great at cards.”

“I know.” Benrey chuckled.

Gordon looked back down at his deck.

\---

They arrived back home around 10:50, and Gordon could  _ feel _ how heavy his eyelids were. He dumped himself on the couch, and Benrey sat right down next to him, looking how Gordon felt.

Benrey yawned, showing off his sharp teeth. “Holy shit…”

“Yeah.” Gordon yawned back. “I’m tired as fuck.”

Benrey yawned louder. Gordon chuckled and suppressed another yawn. 

“Stoopppp you’re gonna make me yawn again!” He shoved him. Benrey chuckled and shoved him back, sticking out his tongue.

Gordon chuckled. “Jeez, we really are five.”

“Yeah.” Benrey snoofed.

“...” Gordon bit his lip. “Benrey, how old  _ are _ you? Actually.”

“Uhh…” Benrey shrugged. “Dunno.”

“What do you mean you  _ don’t know _ ?” 

“I just don’t know! I mean, I dunno, I’m not human, so maybe I’m like… 1,000 or some weird bullshit… or maybe i'm not and, uh…”

He huffed. “Fuck.”

Gordon thought. “Hm… can I see your license?”

Benrey stared at him. “... Did-- did  _ you _ just ask _ me _ for ID?” He smirked.

Gordon furrowed his brows in confusion before they shot up high and he laughed. “Oh my god! Uh--” He put on his best Benrey impersonation, monotone. “Can I see your, uhhhhhh, hm," He smacked his lips. "passport?”

Benrey hunched up like a little goblin and in a nasally, nerdy, voice that sounded nothing like Gordon said: “Passport?! You mean  _ company ID???” _

Gordon barked out a laugh. “I do  _ not _ sound like that!”

“I  _ do not _ sound like that!” Benrey mimicked, voice edging into a mix between Jimmy Neutron and Squidward. 

Gordon laughed, too tired to get heated about it. Benrey chuckled and got his wallet- which he apparently had on him- giving Gordon his license. 

“Here’s my FUCKING passport.” He said in the bad Gordon voice. “Leave me alone.”

Gordon took it and looked it over. It was blank until he blinked, and suddenly it had all his information on it. 

Well, except a last name.

And an address.

And sex.

Whatever. All he wanted was the date of birth.

_ DOB: 10/31/1991 _

“You were born on Halloween?” Gordon asked.

“Yo, what? Really?” Benrey leaned over. Gordon chuckled. 

“Wow, you really don’t know your birthday?”

“Don’t be mean.” Benrey huffed, though Gordon knew he wasn’t hurt.

Gordon looked back down at his birthday and hummed. “... Okay, so, 1991…”

He paled. “Shit.”

“Huh?” Benrey raised a brow.

“You’re a year older than me…” Gordon laid back on the couch dramatically. 

Benrey beamed and laughed loudly, leaning over Gordon and beginning to coo to him like a baby.

“Oooh, baby Gordon!!! Tiny baby Gordon!!! Little baby 22 year old--”

“I’m 27!” Gordon fired back. Benrey pinched his cheeks and wiggled them, still cooing.

“Wow!!! Double digits!!! Big boy 27--”

“Oh, shut it.” Gordon smacked his hands away. Benrey reared back and hollered out a laugh, snorting occasionally. Gordon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.”

Benrey wiped one of his eyes and sighed, sitting back up. He was still giggling a bit, and Gordon was, too, finding his laugh infectious.

They just looked at each other for a while before Gordon glanced back at Benrey’s license. 

“Honestly, It’s kinda weird you don’t have anything else really on here.” He said. “I mean, technically, everything’s being generated as we see fit... I don’t even know, like, where you’d live before this, so… or what your last name would be…”

He shrugged, hearing a yawn beside him.

“Oh, hey, y’know what? I think you’re… a Scorpio! That’s cool… I’m an Aries-- do you- wait, do you know about star signs? Honestly, they’re probably bullshit, but I think it’s cool, so--”

He felt a weight hit his shoulder.

He stiffened up and glanced down, finding that Benrey had fallen asleep, and was now leaning against him.

Gordon stared at him for a moment, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to wake Benrey up, even though that would probably be the common solution, and he didn’t want to just  _ stay _ here…He couldn’t pick up Benrey, either, even though Gordon was strong, Benrey was  _ big _ , so there was no chance of that happening. 

He leaned away a bit, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. Okay, he had to really figure out what he was gonna do before he passed out or something.  _ God _ , how embarrassing would… _that… be...?_

He passed out, Benrey laid on top of him, with his face smushed into Gordon’s chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed! Please leave comments I consume them for power


	11. Breakfast and Singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey and Gordon have breakfast together. AKA: fluff time

Sunlight streamed in through Gordon’s window, the curtains blowing lightly as wind and the noises of the world filtered inside his little apartment: the chirps of birds, the ambiance of cars, the chatter of people…

Gordon squinted at the window and yawned quietly, shuffling around and nuzzling deeper into the warmth beside him. His eyes flickered up to whatever the warmth was, finding Benrey’s face beside him. He was half expecting it to be Benrey, so he wasn’t bothered. His eyes fluttered shut again as he tried to drift back to sleep. 

Benrey cracked open an eye and looked down at him. Gordon looked up. Benrey smirked and Gordon shut his eyes for the third time. He really didn’t wanna get up right now, but...

“What time is it…?” He asked groggily. 

“Mm…” Benrey looked up at the clock. “9 AM.” He replied.

“M’kay.” Gordon said, pulling his blanket over them. “‘M sleepin’ some more.”

“You, uh, want me to wake you whenever?” Benrey asked. 

“Nah. ‘M good.” 

Gordon cuddled closer to Benrey, finding his warmth to be wonderful and his touch starved body seemed to agree. Benrey wrapped his arms around him hesitantly, delicately, as if Gordon could be broken if he jostled him too hard. Gordon chuckled and readjusted a bit before drifting off once again.

\---

When Gordon woke again, it was 11 AM. 

He was squinting at his clock, watching minutes tick by. He knew he needed to get up and eat, or go to the bathroom, or  _ something _ , but he  _ really _ didn’t want to… He was just so warm and cozy and…

He yawned again, eyelids trying to close. He wouldn’t let them.

“Lil’ baby Gordon sweepy?” Benrey asked teasingly. Gordon rolled his eyes. 

“I’m only one year younger than you…”

“Baby?”

Gordon felt his face heat up. He knew Benrey meant it in an insulting way, and that it wasn’t a pet name… but it kind of sounded like one, and for some reason it made his heart skip a beat.

“Don’t call me that.” He mumbled, pushing whatever weird anxiety had risen in his chest down again. 

“Babby Gordos cranky time? Need nappy?” Benrey smirked.

Gordon whined, finding it too early for this shit, and plopped his hand on Benrey’s face. “Shuuuuutttt uppppp…”

Surprisingly, Benrey obliged and was silent. That didn’t stop him from being annoying other ways though, as he licked a stripe up Gordon’s palm. Gordon made a disgusted noise and shook off his palm. 

“Dude…” He winced.

“Rude to rest your palms on my face, Feetman.” Benrey smirked, propping himself up on his hand. 

“Well, it’s rude to call me a baby when I’m a grown man.”

Benrey rolled his eyes. “Whatever, infant.”

Gordon turned his gaze back to the clock. “I’m not responding to that.”

“You just did.”

Gordon didn’t respond to that comment, moving his legs a bit to try and make his body get the message that he wanted to  _ get up _ . After a few beats of silence, Benrey spoke again.

“Sooo… we just chillin’ here for the day? ‘Cause my arms goin’ numb.”

“Nah. I need to get up. Just gimme a second.”

“Why do you need to get up?”

“Because, uh…”

Gordon trailed off. He searched his mind for a reason.

“Because I need to eat?”

“Right now?”

“Uh.”

Gordon looked down at his stomach. He wasn’t hungry this  _ instant… _

“No… guess not.”

“Then why do you wanna get up?”

Gordon shrugged. “Guess… I don’t have to.”

He rolled over, facing Benrey now. He stared into his eyes, gaze half-lidded and calm. He couldn’t remember when he began to feel calm around Benrey, safe, even, but now it seemed so… natural to be here. He didn’t think much as his eyes trailed over Benrey’s face, taking in his almost human features and the quick blush that was dusting his cheeks. Before he could react, pink sweet voice bubbled out of Benrey and popped on Gordon’s face. Benrey’s eyes widened.

“Shit, uh, sor--”

Before Benrey could finish, Gordon licked his lips, getting a little of the sweet voice in his mouth. Benrey went fushia and tensed up as Gordon tasted it.

Suddenly, Gordon felt really giddy and started to giggle. Butterflies filled his chest. 

“Uh.” Benrey stammered, watching him. “What’s so funny?”

“N-nothing!” Gordon giggled. “I-- I think-- oh, wow, your--  _ ehehe _ \-- your sweet voice makes people-  _ hehe--  _ makes me laugh!!!”

Gordon kicked his legs a little, stimming out his energy as more wonderful lovey-dovey giddiness filled up his heart. Of course, to Gordon, it just felt like excitement. 

Benrey stared at him, eyes having a special shine as he saw Gordon giggle, before he finally put two and two together.

“Oh… is it ‘cause you tasted it?”

“M-maybe???” Gordon chuckled, slowly coming down from his high. His giggle fit was gone, and he was back to laying down in Benrey’s hold, shutting his eyes and catching his breath, with a big smile still on his face. Benrey chuckled a little and wiped some extra pink off of Gordon’s face. “Sorry. Didn’t, uh, mean to.”

“‘S okay.” Gordon said. “It felt… kinda nice.”

“Oh.” Benrey blushed.

Gordon looked away. Maybe what he said was kind of weird.

They laid together in silence for a bit before Benrey spoke.

“‘M hungy.”

Gordon narrowed his eyes at him.  _ “Hungy?” _

“Yeap.” Benrey smacked his lips. “Pwease food?”

Gordon sighed deeply, a fond smile on his face. “Sorry, Benrey, I honestly don’t think I can get up on my own. I’m too comfortable.”

Benrey smirked. “Want me to help you with that?”

Gordon’s eyes widened. “Uh…”

Benrey shoved him off the couch and Gordon fell off, bonking his head on the table. He fell to the ground and held the back of his head, hissing in pain. Benrey laughed and looked down at him.

“Clumsy boy? Clumsy baby take a fall?”

Gordon glared up at him, and Benrey’s smile slowly faded. “Uh…” He frowned and tilted his head. “Are you mad?”

“Yeah, I’m fucking mad.” Gordon deadpanned. “My head hurts like hell. It fucking-- you pushed it  _ into  _ the table!”

Benrey gasped in horror, eyes immediately growing concerned and shameful as he crouched down by Gordon, tenderly almost reaching out.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry- uh- I didn’t… I didn’t mean to…” He frowned. “I didn’t... ‘m sorry… Are you okay?”

Gordon stared up at him, the thudding in his head momentarily on pause just so his whole brain could process how  _ genuine _ Benrey was. He was expecting Benrey to maybe give him a half-hearted sorry at  _ best _ , but this…?

Gordon felt his face heat up. Well, he couldn’t complain… it was nice that he cared so much. He smiled a little and got up, rubbing the back of his head. “Nah… ‘M fine, Benrey. Just hurts a bit.”

“You sure?” Benrey tilted his head cutely.

“Yes.” Gordon said, a bit clipped. Benrey didn’t seem convinced, biting his lip and thinking about something before he turned Gordon around. Gordon’s eyes flew wide. 

“What’re you--”

He felt a cool liquid on the back of his head. He tensed up and tried to turn, but Benrey held his head in place. 

“Heal beam.” Benrey murmured. Gordon blinked in surprise, then relaxed a bit.  _ Oh. _

Gordon let it happen, feeling his pain ebb and flow away as the sweet voice sank in. He purred, shutting his eyes and listening to Benrey’s  _ beautiful _ voice… it really was pretty… even in Black Mesa, when he hated Benrey’s guts, he thought so. So calming, too…

The voice stopped, and Gordon frowned slightly. 

“Done.” Benrey said, moving away from Gordon entirely. “... is it better?”

Gordon smiled, appreciating his sweetness. “Yes, Benrey, it’s better now. Thank you.”

Benrey hummed. “You kinda sound mad.”

Gordon furrowed his brows. “I’m not? Benrey, I mean it. Please, let’s just go eat, ‘kay?”

Benrey nodded, getting up with Gordon as they headed towards the kitchen. Gordon moved to the stove, and Benrey sat on the countertop beside him, idly swinging his legs. 

“So… what do you want?” Gordon asked. Benrey thought for a moment before shrugging. 

“Don’t know much about human food.”

“Ah.” Gordon nodded. “Well, how about pancakes? I like mine with chocolate chips and blueberries.”

“Don’t know what those are, but alright.”

“You don’t-- you what???” Gordon chuckled incredulously. “You seriously don’t--”

“Nope.” Benrey said, popping the ‘p’. “Never heard of ‘em. I don’t think I… I ate things. Before you. I dunno.”

“Well, here.” Gordon said. He crouched down, opening up the cabinet and taking out his tupperware of chocolate chips and the other of blueberries. He set them on the counter and opened the chocolate chip tupperware. “Take one.”

Benrey looked at it for a moment before grabbing about five and popping them into his mouth. Gordon scowled. “What’d I just fuckin’ say?”

Benrey didn’t respond, just chewing and face slowly becoming a little brighter. He hummed in delight and tapped his hands against the counter as he let out a brown to white sweet voice  _ (chocolate to a white that’s pasty, means this is tasty!) _ . 

Gordon chuckled fondly. “You like it?”

Benrey nodded, going for more. Gordon shut the lid and scolded him. “No, Benrey, this is for pancakes. You’ll eat ‘em when I put ‘em in.”

Benrey whined loudly. “Nooooo…”

Gordon opened the blueberries and Benrey took around three this time, popping them into his mouth. He chewed, and gave an indifferent hum. Gordon moved to grab a pan from a cabinet. 

“Yeah, the berries aren’t really the highlight, but they’re healthy, so…”

“So?” Benrey shrugged. “Who cares about that?”

“ _ I _ do.” Gordon said, turning on the stove. “If I don’t eat healthy, I feel like shit.”

“Kinda weak.” Benrey said, kneeling and looking at the stove as one of the circles flashed red before Gordon put a pan on it. Gordon looked up at Benrey curiously, tilting his head.

“You just gonna watch?”

“Ya.” Benrey said. “... That ok?”

“Yep, it’s fine.” Gordon said. “Maybe next time, you can make pancakes.”

“Sweet.” Benrey smiled. “I’m ‘boutta beat Gordon Ramsay’s ass.”

Gordon snorted. “Oh, yeah, why don’t you apply to Masterchef right now?”

“Definitely will.” Benrey replied, hopping down from the counter and leaning a little over Gordon’s shoulder. Gordon’s cheeks got hot and he looked over at Benrey. Benrey glanced back at him, seemingly not getting that he was  _ very _ close. Gordon cleared his throat and poured some oil into the pan.

“What’s that?” Benrey asked. 

“Oil.” Gordon replied simply. Benrey scrunched up his face. 

“Like they put in cars?”

Gordon sputtered out a bubbly laugh and shook his head. “No!!! This-- there are more than-- oh my god.” He snorted and sighed. “Benrey… this is  _ cooking  _ oil. Oil in cars is  _ motor _ oil.”

“What’s the difference?” Benrey asked. He was smiling now, liking Gordon’s laugh.

“You can eat this one.”

“Oh.” Benrey nodded dumbly. “‘Kay.”

They stood in Gordon’s kitchen for a while in silence, Gordon flipping pancakes and letting Benrey watch. The silence wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t  _ un _ comfortable either. If anything else was making noise, like a pet or the TV, it would be fine.

“It’s, uh, real quiet right now, huh?” Gordon asked, not really to anyone. 

“Yep.” Benrey said. “‘Cause we’re not talking.”

“Yep.” 

Silence.

“...”

Gordon flipped another pancake. “... Wanna put on some music?”

Benrey shrugged. “I dunno…”

Gordon tapped his foot, stimming out his awkward energy. “... Or, you could sweet voice or something.” He chuckled awkwardly, trying to joke. “Your sweet voice sounds nice enough to be music.”

Benrey flushed pink, and a few orbs came out of his mouth. “Wha- uh- you mean it?”

Gordon realized he was letting this one burn and hissed out a curse, moving it to a plate. “Uh-- yeah. I do. I mean… uh… if it’s-- sorry, it was wei--”

“Wasn’t.”

Silence. Gordon stole a glance at him. Benrey looked away from him. Gordon looked back to the pan, expecting there to just be more silence. Instead, Benrey starting singing. Gordon startled at first, but soon his brain registered what the sound was, and he calmed. He calmed… a  _ lot. _

The song was beautiful and slightly haunting, filling his body with a deep calm and peace he hadn’t known for a while since Black Mesa. His pouring got lax and a few pancakes got burnt. He was done soon, and turned off the stove… but he didn’t move from his spot, wanting to keep listening.

The song crept into his skull, making it tingle, and under his skin, making his muscles relax. He shuddered, eyelids drooping. He felt so… warm… and cozy… and peaceful… and Benrey’s voice was so  _ breathtaking _ …

Then, slowly, the voice stopped.

“... Uh… Gordon?”

Gordon lazily opened his eyes, looking over at Benrey. “Hm…? Yes?”

“You good?” He cracked an unsure smile. “You fallin’ back asleep? Bored or… somethin’?”

“Nah, nah…” Gordon rubbed his eyes. “Your, uh, voice… like, not to be gay or anything but it’s  _ super _ nice…”

“Huh?” Benrey’s eyes widened. “What?”

“It’s nice.” Gordon repeated, taking his plate and strolling over to the table. He plopped himself down in a chair and his head immediately sank into his folded arms. “Mm…”

Benrey grabbed his own plate and sat by Gordon. “... Did my voice make you all… sleepy, bro?”

“Yeah…” Gordon yawned. “Sorry…”

“Uh, nah, don’t… be.” Benrey said, haltingly. “... Does that mean it’s nice? I, uh, I thought people only fell asleep from people speaking if the person was boring.”

“No, no.” Gordon shook his head. “They also fall asleep if it’s like a… lullaby. Your voice is…” He cut himself off, realizing how fucking  _ gay _ it would be to say  _ your voice is like a lullaby _ .  _ Jesus Christ, Gordon, don’t come on too strong! He’ll think you’re actually gay for him or some shit. _

“Is…?” Benrey led. 

“Uh-” Gordon quickly searched his brain for a compliment that was genuine but not gay. “... Relaxing. Very relaxing.”

Okay, that was a  _ little _ gay. Oh, well, if you’re not a little gay with your buds, are you really buds? 

Benrey’s face heated up again, and Gordon could swear he saw a sparkle in his eyes. He quickly looked back down to his food, hiding his face. Though Gordon could see a small smile on his lips.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, cutting into his food.

“No problem.” Gordon answered, finding himself also shyly looking away. What was with him today…?

\--

The day continued on as normal: Gordon went out for his job interview, Benrey left to explore the city a bit, they both crashed on the couch and watched trash TV, snacking til the sun went down. It was a comfortable day, and Gordon found himself laughing until his stomach hurt when he was watching stuff with Benrey. Benrey’s cheeks similarly hurt from smiling and they both collapsed on each other in a giggle pile. 

It was nearing midnight now, and Benrey paused the laptop. “Yo, Gordon, isn’t it uhhh sleepy time?"

Gordon looked over at the clock and frowned. “Hm… I guess. But I don’t wanna go to bed right now-- we’re almost at the finale!”

“Buuut it’s bedtime.” Benrey repeated. “And you said you wanted to start going to bed earlier.”

Gordon groaned loudly and flopped his head onto the back of the couch. Benrey shut off the show, ignoring Gordon’s protests. 

“Benrey!!! C’mon, I can stay up a little later!”

Benrey got up, pointing to the bed. 

Gordon groaned. “Dude, c’mon…”

“You told me you wanted to sleep at midnight, my guy.” Benrey stated. “Soooo sleep.”

“I’m not sleepy, though.” Gordon deadpanned. “Can’t just, fuckin’, flip a switch and get sleepy.”

_ That was true… humans couldn’t do that.  _ Benrey thought to himself.  _ Gordos gotta get sleepy...  _

“Whatever.” Benrey waved his hand dismissively. “Brush your teeth or something.”

“Fine.” 

Gordon got up, reluctantly going into the bathroom and shutting it.

Benrey flopped back down on the couch, leaning against the armrest with his hands behind his head. His thoughts started drifting, and eventually landed on that morning’s events. Him singing, Gordon making that tasty food…

_ “They also fall asleep if it’s like a… lullaby. Your voice is…” _

What was a lullaby again?

He got up, no clipping over to the computer and opening it up. He typed ‘ _ What does lulaby mean?’ _ Into the search bar and hit enter.

_ A lullaby, or cradle song, is a soothing song or piece of music that is usually played for children. The purposes of lullabies vary. In some societies they are used to pass down cultural knowledge or tradition. _

Benrey tilted his head. For children?

_ ‘Can you sing a lullaby to an adult?’ _

_ And there's a common solution: a  _ _lullaby_ _. But it turns out  _ _lullabies_ _ don't just help babies relax, they help  _ _adults_ _ , as well, explains author Kathy Henderson, who collected  _ _lullabies_ _ from across the globe for her children's book, Hush, Baby, Hush. _

Benrey tapped his fingers against the desk idly as he mulled this information over. Gordon re-entered the room and Benrey shut the laptop, swiveling the chair o face him. He watched Gordon walk over to his bed and slip under the covers, giving Benrey a glare and mumbling to himself about being treated like a child. Benrey didn’t know why he was angry, he had  _ asked _ for Benrey to hold him accountable after all.

…Maybe the baby needed a little calm down lullaby so he wouldn’t throw a temper tantrum.

Benrey got up from the desk and sat on the edge of the bed instead. Gordon squinted up at him in confusion. 

“What is it?”

“Yo, you, uh, gotta be nicer. To me.” Benrey said.

“What?” 

“You keep glaring at me. ‘Cause I sent you to bed. But you asked me to, so… stop being a little baby and throwing a tantrum?”

Gordon sighed. “I’m not a baby, and, uh, sorry, I guess. You’re right. Thanks for… holding me accountable. I just don’t feel like going to bed right now, my brain’s still in high energy mode.”

“... What if I sang you… a lullaby?”

Gordon’s head snapped to stare at Benrey, his face heating up. He was silent for a few moments before he looked away again, embarrassed. 

“Um.”

“Well, like, adults can listen to stuff like that, too, right?” Benrey said, growing a little shy himself. “So, um…”

“...” Gordon bit his lip and looked up at him, then smiled softly and nodded. “Sure, Benrey, if you want to. Um, it’d probably make me settle down, at least…”

Benrey nodded. He didn’t actually know any lullabies, but Gordon seemed fine with what he sang this morning, so…

He took a deep breath, then began to sing. The sweet voices’ weightless bubbles carried beautiful colours of midnight blue and gold like starlight throughout the room. His voice was near angelic to Gordon, a siren song that would lure a hundred to the depths of the sea. It was almost like he was one of them, watching how the lights cast their colours across his walls and ceiling not unlike the flowing ocean. 

Gordon felt his body’s tension let go, and his thoughts run to a stop. He yawned, eyes drooping, and laid back into his pillow. He fell asleep soon after.

Benrey all the while was watching Gordon with curious and awing eyes. He’d never seen Gordon so relaxed (unless him sleepily mumbling about blood while dying counted) and it was… nice. His hair sprawled out behind him on the pillow, curling up and around his face and shoulders. Benrey couldn’t tear his gaze away, and the calming midnight blue to the gold of starlight got a few pink hiccups in its melody. 

After Gordon had been sleeping for a while, Benrey let the song stop. All that filled the room was the soft sound of Gordon breathing and his occasional mumblings.

Benrey smiled, feeling a warmth in his chest that was growing by the day. And one day, it would be too big to ignore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment I consume them for power
> 
> EDIT: OOPS I FORGOT TO TELL Y'ALL: Midnight Blue to Gold Like Starlight means I Hope You Have a Good Night :)
> 
> EDIT TWO: WOW OH MY GOD THERES FANART NOW??? OF MY FIC??? AUUUUU I CANNOT TELL U HOW SURREAL AND AMAZING JT WAS TO JJST B SCOLLING AND SEE MY FUCKING FICS DIALOGUE IN A COMIC!!! BRO!!!
> 
> So... This is for the fanartists: thank you!!! And btw some things abt my gordos and Benny: 
> 
> Gordon is black, benrey and Gordon are chubby, and they both have ADHD. 
> 
> Ok that's all tysm for ur fucking content its wonderful!!!


	12. Joshua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua comes back home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for being so patient, guys. I've been busy w school, holidays, and other fics so i haven't had much time for this one! But I hope you're still all here and you enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> no tws im p sure. other than a brief mention of stockholm syndrome (no actual content of it tho) and like, joshie talkin about guns in his cowboy movies.

The next morning went much like the last: Gordon and Benrey woke up together, chatted for a while, and then Gordon made breakfast. Benrey sang for him again and Gordon felt the morning wash over him warmly. They ate together, talking about whatever popped into their heads, and laughing about some other things.

They were on the couch watching something when Gordon’s phone rang. He sighed and picked it up, expecting a spam call. He was surprised to find that it was actually Mallorie. 

“Oh, shit.” He mumbled, getting up. Benrey shot him a curious glance but Gordon just waved it off, saying that he’d be back in a second. 

He walked off and answered the call. 

“Mallorie! Hey, what’s up?” 

Mallorie didn’t bother answering his question. “Gordon, uh, listen, I know things are difficult for you right now… but is it possible for you to take back Joshua? It’s been a long time now…”

“Oh! Uh…” Gordon bit his lip, glancing back at Benrey. Benrey was watching him out of the corner of his eye, but turned back to the TV when caught, pretending he wasn’t.

“Is the creepy guy still there?” Mallorie asked, hushed. “I really think you oughta call the cops about that…”

“No, no, he’s… well, yeah, he’s still here, but it’s not that bad anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s not as dangerous as I thought. We’re, uh, actually kinda getting along now…?”   
  
“... Gordon…”

“I know! I know!” Gordon interrupted. “Sounds like I’m crazy! But I’m not, I promise.”

“No, no, I was gonna say this sounds like… uh, I dunno, Stockho--”

“It’s not.” Gordon deadpanned.

“... Gordon, say yes if you need help.”

“Mallorie.” He pinched his brows. “I’m fine, really. And, y’know what? I can take back Josh now. I think he’ll be okay.”

“You  _ think _ or you  _ know _ ?”

“I think.” Gordon answered uneasily. He bit his lip. “... Listen, I, uh…”

He glanced behind him again. This time, his eyes didn’t meet Benrey’s.

“... I’ll keep an eye on them, okay?” He whispered. “I know having another mouth to feed probably isn’t the best…”

“Aren’t you unemployed?”

“Not anymore! Got a job a little bit ago. So I can handle Joshie, okay?”

“If you say so.” Mallorie sighed. “But don’t hesitate to call if there’s a problem, okay?”

“ _ I know, Mallorie. _ ” Gordon groaned. “Listen, if you don’t believe Joshie’s safe here, you can call him whenever and he’ll tell you what’s going on. I don’t care. Nothing bad’s happening.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll see you in, like, 20 minutes. That good?”

“Sure.” Gordon shrugged. “Thanks, by the way, for taking him for me.”

“No problem. Bye.”

“Bye."

He hung up. 

He sighed and went over to the kitchen, beginning to clean up for Joshie.

“So… Joshua’s comin’ back here?” Benrey asked from couch.

“Yeah.” Gordon said. “For a while. Uh- is that… okay?”

Benrey furrowed his brows. “Why’re you asking me?”

Gordon sweat, looking away as he put a wrapper in the trash can. “Uh. I dunno.”

“... I’m not gonna hurt your kid.”

“I know.” Gordon said.

“I don’t think you do.”

Gordon looked at Benrey, but Benrey was watching the TV, a tense expression on his face. His posture seemed relaxed, lounging on the couch, but Gordon could feel how stiff those shoulders were just from looking at him. Gordon sighed and shut the trash can, walking over and leaning against the couch.

“Listen, Benrey, it’s not that I don’t trust y--”

“Stop.” Benrey groaned, tugging down his beanie. “Just-- just stop. Don’t lie to me. Be fuckin’ honest with me.”

“Wha-- uh- I am!” He sputtered. “I…”

He sighed.

“No, you- you’re right… Okay, fine, you want me to be honest? I’ll be honest. I don’t fuckin’ trust you still. I trust you, like, enough for you to be here and for me to sleep around you. I’m confident you aren’t gonna cut off another part of my body or kill me but… Joshie’s a kid. A very impressionable, very small, kid. And he’s special to me! Hell, I wouldn’t even trust  _ Coomer _ around Joshie and he’s a nice guy! Y’know?”

He tapped his fingers on the couch, searching for something else to say. 

“... But, uh, I… I’m giving this a shot, y’know? Letting Joshie come over. And. Uh. Be around you.”

Silence filled the room as Gordon waited for Benrey’s response, avoiding looking at the man on his couch. Finally, Benrey’s shoulders slumped as he sighed, then shrugged.

“... ‘Guess so. Um… thanks. For… y’know.”

Gordon tilted his head. “‘Y’know’?”

“Letting Joshie come over. Letting me be around him. That’s- like-  _ some _ trust. So… thanks.”

Gordon smiled. “No problem.”

He went back to the kitchen.

\---

Around eighteen minutes later, after Gordon was done cleaning up, Mallorie rang the doorbell. Gordon answered it and greeted her and Joshie, with Joshie running up to Gordon and hugging his leg.

“DADDY!!!”

“Hey!” Gordon chuckled. “Jos--”

“DADDY!” Joshua punched his father’s leg. “I’m staying!”

“Oh?” Gordon raised his eyebrows, crouching down. “Well, yeah, I planned on--”

“Forever.” Joshua finished, grabbing his dad’s hair. “And ever and ever. I don’t care if there’s a- a- creepy man in here! I’ll kick his teeth in!”

“Wha--” Gordon’s eyes widened. “Josh, buddy, where’d you learn that phrase?”

“Yuh-tube.” Joshua answered. “BOOM!” 

He slapped Gordon on the mouth and Gordon laughed. “Joshua, please. Settle down.”

Mallorie chuckled, too, then held out Joshua’s school backpack. “Here, all his stuff.”

“Thanks.” Gordon took the backpack, standing up again. “And uh, thanks for taking care of Joshie. Again.”

“You’re welcome.  _ Again _ .” Mallorie smirked. She glanced to the side of Gordon, seeing Benrey. “...”

“Are you sure about this…? I dunno about this… guy…” She whispered.

“Benrey?” Gordon quirked a brow, looking behind him at Benrey. Benrey looked at them, muttering his ‘huh, whuh’ confused noises. Gordon turned back to Mallorie.

“Nah, he’s good.”

Benrey’s eyes widened at that.

“If you say so…” Mallorie sighed. “But don’t be afraid to call me. I can make room for you, too.”

“I know. Thanks.” Gordon smiled, beginning to shut the door. “See ‘ya, Mallorie.”

“Bye, Gordon.” She waved.

He shut the door, sighing once it was closed.

“Okay…” He put the bag down on the kitchen table. “Joshua, we need to talk about some stuff, okay?”

He glanced back at the door, expecting to see Joshua where he left him. Joshua wasn’t there.

“Uh, Josh?” He looked around, then saw Joshua, standing in front of Benrey.

Joshua tilted his head up at Benrey, looking him up and down. Benrey looked back, expression blank.

“... You look weird.” Joshua said. 

“Rude.” Benrey responded. “ _ You  _ look weird.”

“No, I don’t!” Joshua huffed. “Why’re your teeth like that?”

“Like what?”

Joshua gestured for Benrey to come down. Benrey sat down on the ground and Joshua stuck his hands in his face, opening his mouth and looking in.

“Hmmm…”

Benrey furrowed his brows, clearly thinking something akin to ‘what the fuck’.

“Shark teeth.” Joshua concluded, putting his finger in Benrey’s mouth. Benrey let out some Olive to Vermouth sweetvoice and Joshua gasped, backing up and watching the colours. 

“What!?” He gasped. “What??? What??”

Gordon, initially going to scold Joshua for getting close to Benrey, decided to pull out a chair from the table and sit down, watching them.

“What?” Benrey mimicked.

“What!” Joshua mimicked him back. 

“What.”

“What!”

“What?”

_ “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.” _

“Ow.” Benrey rubbed his ear. “You sound like a foghorn.”

Joshua laughed and made another loud noise, similar to a foghorn. Benrey opened his mouth and let out a high pitched sweet voice stream, which made Joshua cover his ears.

“Your singing sucks!”

“Wasn’t singing.”

“Sing?”

“Huh?”

Joshua sat down beside Benrey. “Sing.”

“I sing?”

“Yeah.”

Benrey sighed. “You and your dad are the same.”

Gordon snickered. Joshua scrunched up his face. 

“Ew, no.”

Gordon scoffed in mock offense. Benrey chuckled. 

“Okay, uh…” He thought. “... I guess I’ll sing.”

He took a deep breath and started to sing with the sweet voice, creating a calming melody. Gordon sighed and rested his head against his arms, finding it calming.

“ _ AAAaaAAAA~”  _ Joshua mimicked, trying to sing with Benrey. Benrey broke and started laughing when Joshua sang, the sweet voice bubbling up in conjunction with his laughter. 

“NooOOoo!” Joshua smacked him. “Keep going, fuckhead!”

“JOSH!” Gordon scolded, mostly out of surprise. “Don’t-- What did I tell you about swearing!?”

“Not to do it.” Joshua responded.

“So don’t do it.”

“Fuck you.” Joshua smiled.

“Yeah, fuck you!” Benrey grinned. “Let him say the fuck words.”

“Oh, god.” Gordon buried his head in his hands. “You guys are gonna be trouble together…”

Benrey laughed again, while Joshua crawled up into his lap. Benrey stopped laughing quick, and stared down at him. 

“Uh-”

“Show me how.”

“Huh?” 

“I wanna-- I wanna… Wanna do the lights.. Things.”

“My, uh, Black Mesa Sweet Voice?”

“Yeah.”

Benrey thought for a moment before answering. “‘Kay. But you, uh, gotta be cool to do it. You cool?”

“YEAH!”

“Good. I was uh… worried ‘cause your dad-- he’s not cool, so--”

“Hey!” Gordon chastised playfully. “I’m cool!”

Silence.

“Anyways, here’s how you do it.” Benrey said to Joshua, scooting him back a little. Gordon huffed.

“First, you gotta… gotta feel somethin’, okay? Something good and- and strong.”

“Okay.” Joshua nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating.

“What’re you feelin’?”

“Stabby!”

“Pfft--” Benrey snickered. “Okay, angry. Stabby. Good. Now think of somethin’ to say. Somethin’ short.”

“Stab!”

“A sentence.”

“I wanna stab!”

“Josh, this is getting really violent, bud.” Gordon chimed in. He was ignored.

“Okay, so, you wanna stab. And you feel stabby. Good.” Benrey nodded. “Now feel the sweet voice deep in your uh- your gut. Feel it… rise it… and then… do it. Sing.”

He opened his mouth and sang gold to pink. 

“Now you try.”

Joshua opened his mouth. 

“Aaaaahhhh!!”

He coughed and kept going.

“Aaaaah-- ah--”

One bubble of sweet voice, crimson red, came out. He coughed heavily and opened his eyes, amazed by the voice. “WHOA!”

Gordon’s eyes flew wide. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- HOW!?”

Benrey smiled. “There! Good job.”

“No, hold-- hold on.” Gordon moved in, sitting by Joshua. “How the f-- how--??? That’s-- he’s human! That’s not a thing humans can do! What’d you do to him?”

Benrey frowned. “Uh- humans can sweet voice.”

“Since  _ when _ !?” Gordon demanded. 

“Dr. Coomer sweet voices.”

“No he doesn’t.”

“Yeah, he does.”

Gordon narrowed his eyes. “... I’m gonna text him.”

While Gordon got out his phone, Joshua scooted back over to Benrey. 

“What’s your name?”

“Benrey.”

“Ben… Benny-- Benry. Benry? Singing hurt.”

“Then don’t do it.”

“No! It’s cool!”

Benrey shrugged. “You can just human sing.”

“‘M not human!”

Benrey raised his brows. “... You’re not?”

“No! I’m a cowboy!”

Benrey looked at Gordon. “Gordon, your sons not human.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Yes he is. A cowboy is a human.”

“Noooooo cowboys are cooler.” Joshua said. “Benry, are you cowboy?”

“Uh.” Benrey thought. “... What’s a… cowboy? Again?”

“You don’t know what a cowboy is?” Gordon asked, surprised, putting his phone away. “Well, a cowboy--”

“DADDY!”

“You don’t need to shout, Joshie, I’m right here.”

“LET ME EXPLAIN COWBOYS!”

Gordon sighed. “Oh no…”

Joshua got up and sat in Benrey’s lap again, fidgeting as he talked.

“Okay, cowboys are-- they’re cool! They ride on horsies and- and um... do you know horsies?”

“Yep.” Benrey nodded. 

“Okay, horsies are really cool! Um- and they ride on them. And they’re in the Wild, Wild, West! Which I think is Texas! And sometimes they-- they stop bad guys!! And rob trains! And say Yeehaw! I like ye-- YEEHAW!” 

“Yeehaw.” Benrey chuckled. 

“Yeah, like that.” Joshua said. “So they said ‘yeehaw’ and then they-- they go to the  _ Saloon _ , where there’s, um, people? And then the- the big doors open and close and everybody looks… at… you! And it’s bad, but then it’s fine. And- and sometimes there’s women with, um, their boobies are out--”

Gordon sputtered out a laugh. “Joshie, I might have to start supervising your--”

“And they’re really nice to the guy! And he’s all- he’s like ‘ _ no. Get a- get away from me, you- you son of a gun!’  _ and then they play card games but then they fight… I don’t-- I think cowboys should be friends.”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah, they should be.”

“Very insightful, Josh.” Gordon mumbled fondly as he checked his text messages. 

_ Dr. Coomer: Yes, Gordon, of course I can use the Black Mesa Sweet Voice! Everyone can! You just never tried :) but tell your boy i’m very proud of him! I cannot wait to see him one day.  _

_ Huh. _ Gordon thought.  _ Guess if everyone can do it, it should be fine… _

_ Gordon: Is it dangerous? _

_ Dr. Coomer: Only if you’re a pussy! _

Gordon snickered, then put away his phone, tuning back into the conversion his son and Benrey were having. Benrey had laid down now, lazily watching Joshua act out one of his favourite cowboy movie scenes.

“And- and then he said: ‘You’ll just have to be patient!’ and tossed him the- the money! And so then the guys kept shooting people and one guy killed the train con- conduc-tu-or and stole it. And- and he did a cool pose like this--”

“Uh- huh.” Benrey nodded, watching Joshua do a ‘cool pose’. He smiled. “Very cool.”

Joshua kept on rambling, and Gordon’s gaze went back to Benrey, watching him as he followed along with whatever Joshua was saying. Gordon thought it strange- he never expected Benrey to be good with kids. He was so calm and well behaved right now, too. He expected Benrey to start teaching Joshie swears and how to prank Gordon, but instead he was just... talking to him and playing with him like a normal person.

Benrey laughed at something Joshua said, making his eyes crinkle and shoulders shake. He tilted his head back a bit and a few bubbles of yellow and pink sweet voice came out. Gordon felt his heart flutter in his chest and his face heat up as he watched. Immediately, he recoiled and looked away, beginning to sweat.

_ What was that!? _ He fretted, putting a hand over his heart. Why did he feel like that when looking at Benrey…? The only time he’s felt something like that was--

“Feetman, you good?” 

Gordon startled. “Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. I’m fine.” He chuckled. “Just, uh, i dunno.”

Benrey furrowed his brows. 

Joshua ran over to the kitchen table, seemingly done with his cowboys talk and grabbed his backpack. 

“I’m gonna go to my room, daddy!”

“Okay, Josh!” Gordon called back. 

Joshua went down the hall and into his room.

Benrey sat up. “Wait, whoa, you had a second bedroom this whole time?”

“Uh, yeah? Why wouldn’t I?” Gordon titled his head. “You didn’t think I made Joshie sleep on the couch, did you?”

“No, but… if you had another bed, why didn’t one of us sleep there?”

“Huh?”

“... Instead of sleeping in the same bed?”

Gordon flushed. “OH! Uh…”

He shrugged, chuckling nervously. "I forgot... that was an option. Oops.”

Benrey smirked and laid back down. “Yeah, whatever, you just wanted to cuddle.”

“Wha!!!” Gordon crossed his arms. “ _ No…!  _ That-- I did not want to  _ cuddle  _ you, you weirdo!”

“Uh-huh.” Benrey said playfully, opening his arms. “Bring it in.”

Gordon snorted and got up. “No. I’m not cuddling you.”

“Aww… and after I sang to you this morning?”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Gordon said, leaning against the couch.

Benrey dropped his arms, seemingly conceding.

There was a moment of silence between them, and Gordon could faintly hear Joshua playing cowboy movie clips from his bedroom. He thought for a moment about supervising him, but decided it was probably fine. 

“Hey, uh.” 

Gordon looked down at Benrey, who was sitting up now, playing with the strings of his hoodie.

“Yeah?” He responded.

“... When… when you said I was… ‘good’. Did you mean it?”

“Huh?” Gordon tilted his head. 

“At the door. To… to Macy or whoever.”

“Mallorie.”

“Yeah, her. Did you mean it?”

“That you were… good?”

“Yeah.”

Gordon thought.

“... Well, yeah. I guess. You seem to be good around kids, which is  _ really _ fucking surprising. Uh- Joshie likes you! So that’s--”

“No, no, not--” Benrey cut him off. “Not good like that. Good like… a good person?”

“Oh.” Gordon’s eyes widened. “... I… don’t know! I didn't mean good like that.”

“Oh.”

Benrey bit his lip and looked down at the carpet. The apartment was filled with silence for a while, save for Joshua’s movies.

Gordon tapped on his arm, fidgeting in the awkward stillness.

Finally, he spoke. “... But. Um.”

Benrey perked up. 

“I think you’re… not a  _ bad _ person.” Gordon said, gesturing vaguely with his hand. “You’re- you’re a lot better than you were, that’s for sure.”

“I mean--” He continued, letting his words flow like a stream of consciousness. “What even  _ is  _ good anyway? It’s so  _ subjective. _ Is a good person only good because they do good things? Or… is it their intentions? Is somebody who… who does bad things, but means well, good? Or is it the opposite? There’s-- there’s so many definitions… that it’s hard to define. But, um… hm.” 

He thought.

“... I guess if  _ I _ had to add to those definitions I’d say that… a good person is somebody who tries to be good. Yeah! Yeah, somebody who has good intentions and does good things. Not- not  _ all  _ of the time, because, you know, we make mistakes, but... as long as they’re trying. Y’know? And you… you try. I can tell you try. And… you’ve grown. So.”

He looked down at him, giving Benrey a small smile.

“I’d say you’re…  _ mostly _ good. Like… 90%.”

Gordon was a bit taken aback by Benrey’s expression. Benrey was looking up at him like he said something really profound: his eyes sparkling and colour in his cheeks. He stared at Gordon for a few moments longer before looking away shyly and smiling to himself, tugging down his beanie.

“... Thank you."

Gordon cracked a lopsided smile at that. 

“How about me? Am I good?” He asked casually.

“Yeah!” Benrey responded immediately. “You’re the-- the best person.”

Gordon felt his cheeks heat up again and his stomach flip. Benrey seemed to blush, too, eyes widening at what he just said.

Gordon laughed awkwardly. 

“No! No-- I uh, because you’re-- uh--” Benrey backtracked, stumbling a bit over words. “You’re the most good out of all the people I’ve met? No- well- yeah- uh- because you don’t kill people and you’re nice and stuff and good and because you’re the most good you’re the uh, the best? That’s- that’s what I meant, ‘kay?”

Gordon nodded, looking at him fondly. 

“Thank you, Benrey.”

“‘Welcome.” Benrey muttered, sparing Gordon a soft smile of his own. 

Gordon felt his heart flutter again, and he frowned. What  _ was _ that? It happened  _ twice _ now! Was he nervous? Why? Benrey wasn’t any danger (anymore) so… it can’t be that. The last time he could remember feeling like this was when--

Oh.

_ Oh. _

_ Oh no. _

_ When he was  _ **_in love._ **

He paled and gripped the edge of his shirt, stomach flipping for a different reason now.

**_Was he in love with Benrey?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh... the famous "oh" and then the italicized second "oh"! So happy I got to put that in <3
> 
> comment please! they make me feel like my work is good and motivate me to do more. without comments, i probably wouldn't post much lol. 
> 
> sweetvoice translations:   
> Olive to Vermouth means get outta my mouth  
> gold like a key to pink like a kiss means “See, like this!”


	13. Cuddles and Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon thinks about his feelings towards Benrey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // tw mention of (imaginary) child death, mention of dismemberment, and (imaginary) manipulation. 
> 
> not completely satisfied with this chapter but whatever!!! I hope y'all like it anyways :) Also thanks for the comments u guys! U make me wanna write more of this

**_Was he in love with Benrey?_ **

He had been pondering this question over the past couple days, and it was slowly starting to eat him up inside. Every look, every laugh, every touch from Benrey was electrifying-- and he wished he could say it was the good kind.

No, the electricity that went through Gordon when he got flustered by Benrey was not just the normal love kind, the kind he’d felt numerous times before with his now ex-wife, this kind was mixed with a different kind of electricity:  _ dread. Pure dread. _

He didn’t want to love Benrey.

And not in a cutesy high-schooler way either like ‘ _oh nooo i’m in love with him but he’s way out of my league--’_ **No.** He did _not_ want to enter a relationship with the entity that made him have breakdowns in the most horrible place on Earth, that tried to kill him, that had a hand (ha) in cutting off his hand, that mocked him relentlessly, that _killed people_ in front of his eyes, that made him _break_. **Everything** about Benrey was a red flag, and Gordon was risking enough as it was by allowing him to stay here. Who knows what kind of damage Benrey could do if Gordon opened up his heart to him? **_Loved_** him? What would happen to Joshie? He didn’t wanna put the kid through another messy relationship that ended in tragedy. Especially not with some asshole with god-like powers that could probably kill him in an instant. 

So for now he’d lay low, pretend he didn’t have feelings for this man, and wait for it to pass. Hopefully, everything would work out and soon they’d be back to their routine with  _ no _ feelings attached. 

“Daddy!” Joshie called, breaking Gordon out of his thoughts. He planted a kiss on his father’s cheek and Gordon smiled, giving him a kiss back. 

“I’m leavin’ for school!~”

“Bye, Joshie!” Gordon waved. “Love you, bud!”

“Love you, too, fuckhead!”

Gordon laughed, turning around to call after Joshua: “Don’t say that in school!” but Joshua had already left. 

Gordon sat back down, a smile still on his face. Benrey was chuckling beside him, and Gordon’s heart fluttered again. He scowled and looked pointedly at the show they were watching. Silence washed over them before Benrey broke it.

“Hey, uh, ‘m gettin’ kinda bored. Do you have any games on your computer?”

“I have a Steam, but there’s not much.” He shrugged. “Not really gonna game much until i become a streamer.”

Benrey snorted. “You seriously wanna stream?”

“Yeah.” Gordon smiled despite himself. “It seems so fun, y’know?”

Benrey leaned over to the computer, opening up Gordon’s steam. “Well, if you start streaming, I’ll be there to spam the chat with pogs.”

Gordon chuckled. “I’ll make sure my mods ban you.”

“I’ll make another account.”

“I’ll ban that one, too.”

“I’ll make another account again.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Fine, you can stay. But behave.”   


“Nice.” Benrey grinned. He scrolled through Gordon’s game list, humming. 

“Nothin’ good on here… Stardew Valley? Seriously?”

“It’s a good game!” Gordon defended.

“Hm…” Benrey kept clicking. “Any of these shooters?”

“Uh, Borderlands?” Gordon suggested, then snoofed. “Man, I knew you’d be into shooting games.”

“Uh-huh. Love ‘em.” Benrey said, opening up Borderlands and sitting back with his controller. 

Gordon leaned back, too. “What’s your favourite shooter?”

“Uh- only the most  _ hardcore _ shooter out there, Gordon.” Benrey rolled his eyes. “I play the pros games.”

“Oh, so, like, COD?”

“Nah. Splatoon.”

Gordon wheezed. “Oh,  _ shut up! _ ”

“What?” Benrey asked, cracking a smile. “You don’t know  _ real _ gamer rage until some dude squidbags you.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh. The kids game about paintball is  _ so _ hard.”

Benrey scoffed in mock offense. “Haven’t even tried it and you’re already hating… Tsk, thought better of you, Gordo.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Gordon dismissed.

They sat there for a while, Gordon watching Benrey play his game. It was nice at first, comfortable silence between them, only broken by Benrey’s angry mutterings when he fucked up or Gordon’s occasional commentary. But sometimes Gordon would look over at Benrey and see his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, or see how his eyes narrowed when he got cornered, or how he bounced in his seat in joy when he survived an area, and Gordon would feel that same rush of love, sadness, and dread creep up into him. 

Gordon sighed and shuddered a bit, only now feeling how cold his apartment was getting. Darn Autumn…

“You cold, bro?” Benrey asked.

“Yeah, a little.” Gordon sighed. “Here, lemme get a jacke--”

“No, it’s uh- okay.” Benrey said, scooting closer to him. “We’ll uh- do what we did last time?"

“Last time?” Gordon raised an eyebrow.

Benrey sidled up to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close.

“Here.” He smiled smoothly, but Gordon could hear the nervousness in his voice. “We’re like penguins, uh, sharin’ body heat.”

Gordon felt electricity all throughout his body, hyper-aware of how soft Benrey was to hug, how he could hear his breathing, how they were  _ so close _ and Benrey was slowly pulling him even clos--

He shot up out of Benrey’s hold, startling him and making him drop the controller.

“I-I uh.” Gordon stammered, backing away from the couch and avoiding Benrey’s confused look. “I gotta-- I’m gonna go… grab some snacks, okay?” He smiled nervously, pulling on a coat. “It’s nice out anyways- what do you want?”

“Um-”

“Nevermind, I’ll just grab something for you. See ‘ya!” 

Gordon shut the door behind him, jogging down the stairs while his heart was still racing. He didn’t see Benrey’s confused eyes get a touch of sadness and shame to them as he watched the door, then slowly went back to his game, colder now.

\--

Gordon sighed as he walked along the sidewalk, hands stuffed in his pockets.  _ God, how stupid could he get? Benrey was just cuddling him like they’ve done before, and now he’s freaking out about it? How were things supposed to go back to normal if he ran away everytime?  _

He made a turn left into the park near his complex, letting his legs take him wherever.

_ But friends don’t cuddle, do they? _ He thought to himself.  _ Friends don’t do that shit, and friends don’t just wrap their arms around eachother like ‘penguins’ or whatever dumb bullshit he said. Then again, Gordon hadn’t  _ **_had_ ** _ many friends before, so maybe this was normal?  _

He sat down on a bench, putting his head in his hands.

_ Was he just so lonely and anti-social that having a real friend for the first time made him think he liked him  _ **_romantically?_ ** __

He facepalmed and dragged his fingers down his face, groaning loudly.

“ _ God _ , how sad is that?..."

“How sad is what, Mr. Freeman?”

Gordon gasped, opening his eyes. 

“Tommy???” He stood up. “What-- what are you doing here?”

Tommy smiled. “I always walk Sunkist on Wednesdays, Mr. Freeman! I just thought I’d change- change up parks this time! She- she got bored of the old one.”

Sunkist boofed from beside Tommy, sitting down and looking up at Gordon. Gordon smiled and pet her.

“That’s nice.” He said. “... Hey, Tommy? Can I uh… ask you something?”

“Sure, Mr. Freeman! You wanna walk and talk?”

“Sure.” 

Sunkist got up and began walking ahead, Tommy behind her. Gordon noticed now that Sunkist didn’t have a leash as he followed them.

“How come she doesn’t have a leash? Or a collar?” He asked.

“Oh, Sunkist is- is very smart, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy answered simply. “I know she can take care of herself, so I don’t need to keep her on a leash.”

“Ah.” Gordon nodded slowly. “She is the uh  _ perfect dog _ after all, right?”

Tommy nodded.

“...” Gordon bit his lip. “... So, um, about that question…”

“Ask away!”

“Okay, so… do- can- uh-” He blushed a little, looking away. “Can friends… cuddle?”

“Of course!” Tommy answered. “Friends can do lots of things! Dating is only dating if you call it that, y’know.”

“Right, right…” Gordon nodded. “... What if- what do you do if… you like somebody, but you don’t... um…”

“Is this about Benrey?”

Gordon whipped his head around to stare at Tommy, entire face red at this point. “ _ What???” _

“Oh, come on.” Tommy chuckled. “I’ve seen the way you two look at each- eachother, Mr. Freeman.”

Gordon sputtered. “What- wha-- I do  _ not-- _ what--  _ how _ \-  **okay,** that’s  _ not. _ Uh- true. Okay? That’s not--  _ how am I looking at him??? _ ”

“Remember at the party how you were- you were always trying to make him laugh, Mr. Freeman? And- and he was doing the same? You two- you two had a- a  _ sparkle _ in your eyes! It was really cute-- but I think only me and Dr. Coomer thought so… I guess Bubby isn’t that much of a roman--”

“Hold on,  _ hold on _ .” Gordon waved his hands in a  _ stop _ motion, still floundering. “We  _ did not _ have sparkles in our eyes! And I wasn’t trying to make him laugh!”

“Then why were you messing around with him?”

“Because! Uh-”

Gordon paused.

“Because…”

_ Was he trying to make Benrey laugh? _

“...”

Gordon sighed and stopped walking, putting a hand on his forehead in disbelief. “... I guess maybe I  _ was _ trying to make him laugh… But not for any romantic reasons!”

Tommy stopped too, letting Sunkist keep going and sniff all the flowers. 

“That’s fine, Mr. Freeman. A lot of friends do that just because they like eachother!” He smiled. “... But I’m pretty sure friends don’t agonize about  _ cuddling _ in the park all alone.”

Gordon huffed. “...”

“You like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah…” Gordon sighed. “... But don’t tell him, okay?”

Tommy held out a pinky. “I promise!”

Gordon was too lost in thought to take it. Tommy dropped his hand and his smile, tilting his head. 

“So… you wanna know how to make a move, or…?”

“No!” Gordon snapped. “I don’t like him!”

Tommy crossed his arms.

“Well…” Gordon backtracked a bit. “I  _ do _ but I don’t  _ want to _ .”

“Why not?” Tommy raised his brows. “Love is a beautiful thing, Mr. Freeman! It’s what- what makes the world go ‘round!”

“I thought that was money?” Gordon tilted his head.

“That’s just what the capitalists want you to think.” Tommy winked. 

Gordon chuckled. “Can’t argue with that... But, um, I just… I’d rather be in love with  _ somebody else _ . Somebody  _ nice _ and- and  _ safe _ and… not Benrey.”

Tommy frowned. “But isn’t Benrey nice to you?”

“Yeah…”

“And he hasn’t hurt you, has he?”

“Not recently.”

“So…?”

“But he did in the past!” Gordon argued. “I mean he ruined-- he was a factor… in ruining my life, y’know? He cut off my arm, he tried to kill me, and… and he tried to kill you, too! How are you just  _ cool _ with that?”

Tommy thought, furrowing his brows.

“... I guess I just don’t hold it against him. He- he wasn’t serious, anyways. It’s- it’s like how you forgave Bubby!”

Gordon pressed his lips into a fine line. “But I never forgave Bubby.”

Tommy’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I said I never forgave him.” Gordon repeated. “... I just… I guess I just moved past it because… there was nobody else there for me, y’know? You guys were… were all I had. I depended on you for- for survival and leaving Bubby behind meant that there was a higher chance of getting killed. So… I moved past it.”

He gulped. “But I… I don’t… trust him. Still. Don’t tell him that.”

Tommy frowned, sighing. “... I don’t think that’s- that’s very nice, Mr. Freeman. But I… I understand. He did also… kinda tell the soldiers about you, which led to your arm…”

“Yeah.” Gordon shut his eyes, running his fingers over the cold metal of his arm. “...”

“... Do you trust _me_ , Mr. Freeman?”

Gordon’s eyes widened. “Wha-- of course! Tommy, you’re the best!”  He blushed and took a step back, chastising himself for being so honest.

“W-well, um, what I mean is… uh.” Gordon stammered. “You’re very nice, and you were one of the only ones who showed me concern and… you’re a great friend. I trust you.”

Tommy smiled, though it had a hint of melancholy behind it. “Thank you, Mr. Freeman. I trust you, too. You’re very rational and level-headed.”

“Thanks, Tommy.”

“... So… you don’t want to like Benrey?” Tommy asked again. Gordon nodded. 

“Well, I don’t think your feelings are the problem, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy said. “I think it’s how you _perceive_ Benrey. You gotta just realize he’s- he’s not out to get you anymore.”

“But what if he is?”

Tommy’s gaze hardened. “Is he?”

“Well…” Gordon looked away. “Maybe?”

“What has he done that makes you think that?”

Gordon opened his mouth.

“ _ Recently.” _

Gordon shut his mouth.

Recently?

Gordon thought back on all his interactions that were  _ recent _ and…

“Nothing comes to mind.” He sighed. “But he could be manipulating me.”

“ _ I _ could be manipulating you, Mr. Freeman. I could have you right where I want you.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “No, you aren’t.”

“Maybe that’s just  what  I _want_ you to think.” Tommy shrugged. “You have just about as much evidence for me as you do for Benrey.”

Gordon groaned. “... Well, okay, fine, maybe I’ll  _ work  _ on it- but how do I get rid of these feelings?”

“You can’t get rid of feelings, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy stopped walking, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at Gordon. “Feelings are a big part of you-- they  _ are _ you- and if your heart is telling you something with all it’s might, you gotta believe it. Either that, or you just have to work through those feelings and direct them into something else. You can’t just  _ ignore _ feelings… that just makes them want to get out more.”

Sunkist jogged up to Tommy, headbutting him affectionately. Tommy smiled down at her and gave her a little pat before looking back up at Gordon.

“But what you do is- is up to you, Mr. Freeman. I’ll support you no matter what relationship you choose to have with Benrey, or no relationship at all. Do whatever  _ feels right _ .”

He turned. 

“I gotta go with Sunkist now, it’s starting to get cold.”

He walked away, sparing a wave to Gordon who stood on the pathway in silence. 

Gordon frowned, picking at the end of his sleeves. Even if he didn’t like it, Tommy was right. Benrey hadn’t done anything recently to warrant Gordon not trusting him, and they actually got along really well, so well that his heart  _ loved _ the guy… and he couldn’t push those feelings down, apparently. So… either he had to go to Benrey and tell him he loved him, and get all that love out, or work through his feelings and… channel them into something else?

…

Guess it was time to work through some emotions.

He headed out of the park and towards the nearest coffee shop:  _ Solomon’s _ . Both because coffee shops were generally quiet and a good place to think, and because he was cold and hungry.

He entered the shop and ordered a coffee and a pastry, then sat down near one of the windows, putting his arms up on the desk and placing his jaw in his hands, looking out at the coffee shop.

There were a few people inside: a college student in the corner, hunkered over a laptop, someone who was reading a book a few tables away from him, her earbuds dangling from her ears and into her phone, and a couple who was talking quietly to each other and laughing about something.

Gordon focused on the couple, watching them for a few moments. The girl on the left, wearing a red beanie, was talking about something. She had a warm smile on her face as she spoke, little chuckles sprinkled into the conversation. Her partner, who he supposed was a ‘partner’ and not a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ because they had a nonbinary pin on their bag, was gazing at their girlfriend like she was the most beautiful thing in the world, smiling and chuckling along to her story.

The sight made Gordon’s heart warm and cold at the same time. He felt lonely, because he didn’t have someone like that, but he felt warm because… what if he could? 

What would his relationship with Benrey  _ be  _ like?

He shut his eyes and tried to picture it.

_ Maybe they’d be in a coffee shop, similar to this one, on a date? _

_ Benrey would sit across from Gordon, wearing his beanie that Gordon got him and talking about whatever gamer shit he was into. Gordon would watch him and laugh, or joke along with whatever he was saying… They'd have a wonderful time, and Gordon would realize that their friendship and their relationship were no different: that either way, he was spending time with someone he loved and trusted. _

_ Or maybe it would be like when he was at Tommy’s… _

_ They’d be in a booth somewhere, and Gordon would push Benrey playfully as Benrey laughed over a bad joke he made. Gordon's lungs would hurt from laughter, and his cheeks would, too. Benrey would give him a look with sparkles in his eyes, And then, while Gordon was giggling, Benrey would give him a quick kiss-- _

Gordon shuddered. Eugh. No. 

_ Although… _

_ A kiss? _

_ Benrey… kissing him. _

_ His lips would be so soft and smooth-- _

_ No, who’s he kidding? They’d be chapped and gross-- _

_ Maybe they’d be a combination? _

_ Benrey’s lips would be  _ fine _ \- nothing dreamy but nothing bad either. He’d kiss Gordon quick,  _ because Gordon didn’t really want to imagine them making out just yet, _ and it’d taste like his sweetvoice… Pink. Bubblegum. Cute. _

_ Cute? _

_ Was Benrey cute? _

Gordon shook his head. He was getting off track. What would dating Benrey be like?

_ Maybe it would be kinda like the people across from him… or like at Tommy’s… _

_ Or maybe it would be really awkward.  _

_ Gordon’s hands would wrap around his warm coffee, tapping against the cup and looking everywhere except for his date. Benrey would be doing the same, and the silence would be deafening between them. _

_ Gordon would try and break it, asking a mild ice-breaker question about Benrey like: what video games are you into? Or What’s your favourite colour? _

_ Benrey would give a one word answer, and then it would be silent again. _

_ And all the chemistry they had would be gone, and they would never be friends again, and then Gordon would have nobody in his life-- _

Gordon shuddered and turned his head in his arms, scrunching up his face. No, that was too horrible to think about. Maybe it wouldn’t be awkward?

_ Maybe it’d be an absolute **nightmare**. _

_ Maybe Benrey would be charming, handsome, amazing and sweet. He’d kiss him passionately and make Gordon feel like he was young again. And then they’d go to the coffee shop, sitting down, holding hands on the table as they spoke, then Gordon would bring up his son, and how excited he would be to have another parent. _

_ And Benrey would grin. _

_ And say, in a devilish voice: “What son? I killed him this morning.” _

_ And Gordon’s heart would sink and he’d know all along he’d been played. _

_ Then he’d collapse and cry and beg for answers but Benrey would just stand and cackle evilly and grow 50 ft tall and teleport them to Xen and then raise his boot and stomp on hi-- _

Gordon sat up and shook his head wildly, eyes wide.

Okay, that was just unrealistic. Benrey may be a bit fucked up, but he’s not  _ cartoonishly _ evil, Gordon, _Jesus Christ._

He sighed and rested his cheek in his hand. 

Truthfully, he had no idea what dating Benrey would be like. 

Maybe it would be nice.

Or fun

Or weird.

Or awful.

The only way would be to ask him and… find out.

_ “Gordon!” _

Gordon perked up and looked at the employee holding his order. He went up to him and took his coffee, thanking him before sitting down. He took a long sip and sighed at the warmth filling his body.

\----

Gordon stayed at that coffee shop for a long time, relaxing and drinking his coffee while he watched snow begin to fall outside. 

By the time he left, it was a dark out, and much colder than before. He made his way back to his apartment, shivering, and sighed in relief when he finally got inside.

“Finally done with your snack run?”

Gordon jolted, staring at Benrey, who was glaring back at him. He sweat.

“Uh- yeah. Sorry… I met Tommy and got sidetracked-- we hung out for a while and I… ended up not getting anything.”

Benrey turned away from him, resuming his game, which was different from when he left.

“Yeah, sure. That’s definitely not a lie.”

Gordon bit his lip. “... I-It’s not. You can ask Tommy yourself.

Benrey didn’t respond, only the sound of gunshots and screaming from the TV filling the room as Benrey mashed the buttons.

“All… right.” He said awkwardly. “Is uh- Joshie home?”

“Mhmm. Made him lunch. He’s in his room now.”

“Okay.” Gordon nodded. “... I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

Benrey didn't say anything, and Gordon slinked off to the bathroom, sighing and relaxing at finally being alone.

_ These next few weeks were gonna be hell.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment!!! They encourage me to keep going and not abandon the fic i work on and make me very happy!!!


	14. You Don't Know What You Have Until It's Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey is confused, sad, and lonely, but thankfully he can shove all those emotions into one box: anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if im happy with this but ive been wresting with it for a while so just take it. ill say this though: its very hard to take a character who canonically is just there for comedy and doesn't have any actual motivation or depth and give him that without making it ooc. but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“I-I uh.” Gordon stammered, backing away from the couch nervously, hands up. “I gotta-- I’m gonna go… grab some snacks, okay?” 

He hurriedly pulled on a coat, already opening the door. “It’s nice out anyways- what do you want?”

Benrey furrowed his brows, feeling utterly confused. “Um-”

“Nevermind,” Gordon waved his hand dismissively. “I’ll just grab something for you. See ‘ya!”

Gordon slammed the door behind him, and Benrey stared at it with a confused expression, feeling a touch of sadness in his heart and shame creeping up his spine.

He sighed, turning back to his game and picking back up the controller. 

_ Was that too much?  _ Benrey thought to himself, unpausing the game and resuming shooting.  _ We’ve cuddled before…   
_

The heat of shame washed over him again and he sunk back into the couch. How come whenever he and Gordon start to get along, he always does something to fuck it up? He’ll overstep boundaries, or say the wrong thing... and then Gordon is just as distant as he was before. 

Benrey feels like they’ve been making progress, but  _ apparently not  _ considering how whenever he’s confident that Gordon thinks of him as a friend,  _ trusts  _ him… he does something to disprove that. Hesitant to bring Josh around, hesitant to call him good, leaving out of nowhere… it  _ sucked _ .

Benrey heard a scream from the game and looked up, seeing the screen turn blue. Shit, he died.

He groaned and paused the game, throwing the controller to the other side of the couch.  _ What was he doing wrong?! _

He was nice to Gordon, he was nice to his kid, he left him alone when he wanted him to be left alone, he came back when he needed him, he bought him things, he held his hair back, he did fucking  _ everything _ right, and Gordon  _ still _ hated him! Benrey had been  _ so _ nice to him after he understood that Gordon felt everything in Black Mesa, that he had trauma, but Gordon still treated him like a fucking criminal. 

He yanked down on his beanie, then remembered that Gordon was the one who got it for him.

… He supposed it wasn’t  _ all  _ bad, as Gordon treated him nicely sometimes. He got him this beanie, he let him stay in his house, he fed him, he allowed his kid around him…

So why did he still feel like shit?

_ Maybe you can't be friends with him.  _ Some part of his mind chimed in. _He'll never forgive you, and you'll never be friends again. **You're** the source of all his pain, all his anger, and no matter how nice you pretend to be, he sees right through i--_

Benrey's eyes widened and he gasped, knocking himself out of that train of thought before he could spiral. He swallowed hard. 

Slowly, he retrieved the controller from the other side of the couch and went back to the game, unpausing it and continuing to play.

…

…

He swallowed again, trying to focus on sniping the enemies in the distance.

...

_ You’re responsible- _

_ You’re an asshole. _

_ That’s why he hates you, you cut off his a- _

_ It’ll never grow back _

_ You laughed when he crie- _

_ He’s scared of you _

_ He pities you _

_ He hates you _

_ His kid hates you _

_ Everybody hates y- _

**I made a mistake. I didn’t know he felt it.**

_ But he did _

_ He felt it _

_ He screamed _

_ You didn’t care _

_ You don't care _

_ You’re only doing this because you feel like shit _

_ He’s only letting you stay because he’s scared of you _

**Shut up. He** **_likes_ ** **me. We are** **_friends._ **

…......

_ [The apartment was dark, and Gordon had just got out of the bathroom. He was staring at Benrey, helplessness and fear taking over his expression. _

_ “...Benrey?” He whimpered. _

_ Benrey smirked, feeling powerful in the wake of Gordon’s fear. He looked over and saw the hole in the wall and chuckled: “Haha. Damn, did you do that? You’re a little clumsy boy, ain’t’cha?” _

_ He looked at Gordon, expecting him to scream and yell, to shoot at him and storm off.  _

_ Instead, he saw pure, raw, dread and hopelessness well up in Gordon’s eyes, his chest rising with an objection, then his shoulders sinking as he shut his eyes and cried. He  _ **_sobbed, hopelessly,_ ** _ unfiltered and exhausted. It was nearly heartbreaking.] _

**-[ARE]-**

_ [Benrey leaned back in his seat, feeling smug. “ _ _ Woooow, after everything I’ve done for you, you’re not gonna make sure I’m safe? Rude.” _

_ “Everything you’ve done for me?” Gordon glared at him. “Oh, yeah, right, you badgered me endlessly in Black Mesa hell, you tried multiple times to kill me, you traumatized me by killing innocent people with no regards to how they or I felt and-- and you turned into some nightmare demon that still haunts my dreams. How… H-how selfless of you, Benrey. You really made sure I was safe…” _

_ Gordon’s voice began to crack as he spoke, and by the end, he had tears in his eyes, white knuckling the steering wheel and struggling not to break down. Benrey’s smug grin was gone. _

_ Benrey bit his lip, unsure how to respond. He felt… a strange pain in his chest. (that he would later realize as “guilt”). He cleared his throat. “Damn, you see me in your dreams, bro…? That’s kinda gay.” _

_ Despair washed over Gordon’s face. “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. You’ll never care. You’re incapable of caring about me or-- or the fact you fucked me up for life. And that you-- you’re the fucking reason I’m going to the hospital today.” _

_ He waved his gun-arm around for emphasis.  _

_ “Why did you do it, huh? Why’d you fucking cut my arm off? For a laugh?” Gordon glared at him. “You asshole. Everything’s funny to you.” _

_ The pain grew.] _

**-[YOU]-**

_ [“So… do you want to talk about it?” Benrey asked, kneeling down next to Gordon. He’d seen him have nightmares before, but this one looked really bad.  _

_ “I don’t think so.” Gordon sighed.  _

_ “Can you at least tell me what it was about?” He asked, thinking back to the wikihow articles. _

_ Gordon frowned deeply, tired eyes casting a glance down at Benrey. He sighed, holding his metal arm close to his chest.  _

_ “It was about you.” _

_ Benrey felt his body go cold again, quickly followed by soul-crushing guilt. _

_ “Oh.”] _

**-[SURE?]-**

_ [... “If you really fucking cared about me, you would’ve stayed the  _ **_FUCK_ ** _ away from me, Benrey. I never wanted to see your fucking face  _ **_AGAIN_ ** _. I’ve only let you stay here because I’m too  _ **_scared_ ** _ to kick you out! I’m scared that-- that if I put my foot down, you’ll ruin everything, just like  _ **_you always do!_ ** _ You’ll kill me, or my son, or go on a murderous rampage, because you _ **_don’t. Fucking. Care.”]_ **

**…**

Benrey’s hands shook around the controller, teardrops rolling down his cheeks.

“...”

He set it down, putting his head in his hands.

_ He hates you. _

**Yeah.**

_ You fucked up, and you can’t ever undo that. _

**Yeah.**

_ You ruined his life.  _ **_Forever._ **

**I did.**

He just wanted to make it up to Gordon.

He just wanted to be  _ loved. _

He wiped his eyes, letting some deep blue sweet voice escape from his mouth as he grabbed his phone.  He scrolled through his contacts and found Tommy, hitting the call button.

It began ringing, and only then did his brain kick into gear. He panicked and hung up before it could ring a second time, gripping the phone.

_ Shit! What was he thinking!?  _

He whined and yanked his beanie down. Goddamnit, he hoped Tommy didn’t notice... he shouldn’t bother him with this bullshi--

His phone rang.

Fuck.

Benrey sighed and hung up.

...

His phone rang again.

He groaned loudly and picked up.

“Benrey?” Tommy’s voice came through the receiver. “Did you just call me?”

“Uh. Maybe.” Benrey mumbled.

“What’s up?”

“...”

“Benrey?”

“... Nothin’.”

A moment of silence passed.

Tommy huffed. “I can hear that somethings wrong just by your voice, Benrey. What’s wrong?”

“...”

“Is it about Gordon?”

Benrey’s eyes widened and he shot up, holding the phone to his ear. “Uh- yeah, why?”

“I just passed by him, he was in the park.” Tommy said. “He talked to me about some stuff.”

“Like what?”

Benrey could hear Tommy’s smile through the phone. “Aw, well, if I told, I wouldn’t be a very good friend, would I? Guess you’ll just have to ask him later!~”

Benrey sighed. “... Was it bad?”

“What?” Tommy’s smile dropped.

“What?" Benrey parroted, hoping they could drop it.  


“... Um." Tommy took a moment, remembering what Benrey said. "N... not entirely bad? I guess? I- why? What happened?”

“...”

“Benrey. What happened.”

“... Hey, Tommy?”

“Yeah?”

“I- uh-” Benrey scratched the back of his head. “... Sorry, I shouldn’t... um... I don’t wanna, like, bug you--”

“You’re not.”

“‘Kay. Uh. Do you- do you hate me?”

“ _ What? _ No! I love you, Benrey! You’re a good friend!!”

Benrey blushed a little. “Even though... I tried to kill you? And cut off Gor--”

Tommy groaned.

Benrey bit his lip. “...”

Tommy gasped softly. “Oh! Sorry! I’m not- I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at Gordon. Is he still holding that over your head?”

“Uh...” Benrey frowned.  _ ‘Holding it over his head’? _ “No...? I-I dunno.”

“Then why are you calling me about it?”

“... Uh... I... dunno.”

There was silence. Benrey guessed it was his time to talk. He was already here anyways.

“I just- I feel like... shit. About. What I did to him. And... I want him to like me. But he doesn’t. He hates me. I think. I- I don’t know. He’s so... weird. We get along, and then suddenly he hates me. It feels like he both  _ hates _ me and  _ likes  _ me. And randomly switches between that. I hate it. I just-- I dunno.”

Silence.

Benrey gulped.

“... He likes you.” Tommy mumbled. 

Benrey raised his eyebrows. “He does?”

“Yeah, but he’s definitely f-fucking weird about it.” Tommy huffed. “Does he still bring up all that stuff you did in the past?”

“Yeah...”

“That’s not right.”

“Huh?”

“I said: That’s- that’s not right. You shouldn’t have to- to be, to be worried about whether somebody you live with hates you or not.”

“But- I dunno. Maybe it’s just me. I mean, he has reasons to fuckin’ hate me.” Benrey sighed, leaning back. “I  _ know _ he hated me when I first, like, broke in. Made it a point everyday. But now he’s chilled out, I guess. ‘Cause I’ve been- I’ve been  _ nice _ and trying to be  _ good _ but... it’s not enough. I don’t think I’m trying hard enough.”

“ _ ‘Trying hard enough’?” _ Tommy asked suspiciously.

“Yeah.” 

“... What are you trying to do?”

“Get him to like me.”

“Why?”

“Uh.” Benrey blanked. 

_ Why? _

_... _

“I- I dunno. Guess I just... want him to like me. Don’t wanna be... don’t want him to be scared of me anymore.”

“He’s scared of you?”

“I think so. He definitely was before. He says it’s, like, fine now. I guess. But he ran off today for no reason.”

Tommy took a deep breath. “ _ Okay, _ so- so let me get this straight. You’ve been trying to...  _ ‘be good’ _ for Gordon so he  _ doesn’t hate you _ ... but you think he still hates you because he keeps bringing up old shit around you and... that makes you feel like you’re...  _ ‘not trying hard enough’  _ aka, you’re  _ ‘not good’  _ so you’re  _ ‘bad’. _ ”

“Uh.” Benrey thought. “... I... I guess? I mean... he’s not bringing up old shit but it’s still, like, an iss--”

“You’re still unsure if he forgives you.”

“No, I know he doesn’t.”

“What?”

“He told me, one day, he’d never forgive me. But he could look past it.”

“...”

“...”

“Benrey, this- this is bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“Gordon’s treating you badly.”

“Uh...” 

“You deserve to be treated better and- and to know whether he likes you or not.”

Benrey was silent, furrowing his brows and thinking it over. Gordon didn’t... treat him badly, did he? Maybe in the past, but now he was just kind of vague... but Benrey- Benrey deserved that. ‘Cause he was an asshole.

“He’s not treating me badly.” Benrey said. “He’s just vague. And it’s- it’s fine. I’m the asshole so--”

“No, you’re not.”

“Huh?”

Tommy sighed, exasperated. “Listen, I don’t know what kind of fu-fucked up relationship you guys got going on over there, and I’m sure Gordon isn’t aware of the way he’s making you feel by being- being unclear but I can tell you guys are on  _ completely different pages right now. _ And you need to have a  _ very _ serious discussion about- about it because from what I’ve just heard? You have been  _ way  _ too nice to Gordon.”

“Huh?” Benrey repeated, brain whirring. 

“You’re not evil, Benrey, you’re a person and you- you made mistakes in Black Mesa that you- you’re more than making up for!”

“But I tried to kill hi--”

“He tried to kill  _ you _ .”

“Huh?” Benrey said for what felt like the millionth time. This whole discussion was turning out much differently than he thought it would. “What... wha?”

“In the test chamber. I saw him tell you to go to the center of the chamber. That would have killed you instantly.”

Benrey paled.

“... What?”

“Don’t you remember that?” Tommy asked. “I mean, I don’t really hold it against him, we all killed people and we all did bad- bad shit but if we’re really getting into  _ who did what to who and who’s the worst _ then Gordon did some bad things to you.”

“...” 

Benrey thought back to that day. He was unfamiliar with the test chamber, and was just exploring it. He remembered Gordon telling him to get out, that it was unsafe, but then... 

_ [Benrey stood at the side of the center of the test chamber, looking down into it. Gordon stood beside him, rambling about something.  _

_ “Look at all those buttons.” He said. Gordon stopped talking and looked down, too. “Bugs? We keepin- we keeping bugs in--” _

_ “Buttons.” Benrey corrected. _

_ There was a moment of silence before Gordon put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey, why don’t you press some of those?” _

_ Benrey didn’t respond, instead looking up to the area where the scientists were. Gordon pressed further. _

_ “Actually, y’know what? I changed my mind. You’re  _ **_more_ ** _ than welcome here. Go in, that’s where, that’s where you go!” He smiled, gesturing inside the hole. “That’s safest for a... citizen! That’s where the radiation misses! Everywhere else, you’re fucked!”] _

Benrey narrowed his eyes. “Yeah... he did.”

Tommy hummed in agreement. “And- and he shot at you a lot. I remember that.”

“He did.” Benrey replied, wiping the tear tracks on his cheeks. “... I didn’t do anything to him. He just tried to kill me because I was around him.”

“Yeah.”

“...” Benrey grit his teeth. “That  _ asshole _ .”

“Well...” Tommy made an unsure noise. “I don’t hold-- I personally don’t think either of you should hold things against each-eachother and should both forget your--”

“That  _ asshole _ !” Benrey stood up. “He tried to kill me! He makes me feel like shit, and-- and he-- Why the hell does he even keep me-- I’m SO nice to him, and I don’t even get a THANK YOU!?”

“Uh, Benrey, I think you’re taking- taking this the wrong--”

Benrey seethed, letting out some bright red sweet voice that popped loudly.   


“Benrey--”

“Bye.” He growled.  


Benrey hung up.

_ Tommy was right. He deserved to be treated better for his hard work! He’d been acting so good every single day for Gordon and Gordon gave  _ **_nothing_ ** _ back! He’d string him along, play nice, then dump him and make him feel small again!  _

_ I bet he knows he’s doing this- _

_ He’s using you _

_ He’s making you feel bad on  _ **_purpose_ **

Benrey tore off his beanie and chucked it at the wall, red sweet voice dripping from his maw.

Fine. Gordon didn’t think he had changed? 

Then maybe he  _ didn’t  _ change.

Maybe Benrey should give up the whole ‘good’ facade and be who he  _ truly  _ was, who Gordon thought he was all _along_.

He grabbed the controller and sat down, unpausing the game and blasting some enemies head off with a shotgun. 

_ He was going to make these next few weeks hell.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment if you enjoyed! they fuel me greatly

**Author's Note:**

> btw my tumblr is space-is-the-place2. Feel free to scream @ me abt this there :)
> 
> also check out my other hlvrai fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25428655/chapters/61670431


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